[winterglen]

I forgot I was supposed to cover a shift today. So I was late. Very late. After two hours my boss calls me to see what the deal was. I apologized and rushed over to cover the rest of the time, but that doesn't matter. The boss pulled me aside and told me that if I did this again, I would have to be terminated.

I apologized. I said it was entirely my fault. I did not say it would never happen again, because if I had power over that, it wouldn't have happened the first time.

I will try as hard as I can to be an exemplary employee, but eventually I'll let my guard down and make another major mistake. It could be a month from now, or two months. I'm sure there's some other infraction I'm doing that I'm completely unaware about. Something that will be glaringly obvious in hindsight, but that I just can't seem to grasp now.

I'm beginning to hope I will be fired. The problem is not the job; it's me. I'm sick of my own incompetency. I'm sick of trying to improve, only to have all my efforts erased because I unwittingly do something else wrong.

I don't think I work enough hours to qualify for severance: my severance will be relief that I'm not being penalized for not trying hard enough or not wanting the job enough or having my coworkers hate me for being an entitled little snot.

[Strive4health]

Originally Posted by winterglen

I forgot I was supposed to cover a shift today. So I was late. Very late. After two hours my boss calls me to see what the deal was. I apologized and rushed over to cover the rest of the time, but that doesn't matter. The boss pulled me aside and told me that if I did this again, I would have to be terminated.

I apologized. I said it was entirely my fault. I did not say it would never happen again, because if I had power over that, it wouldn't have happened the first time.

I will try as hard as I can to be an exemplary employee, but eventually I'll let my guard down and make another major mistake. It could be a month from now, or two months. I'm sure there's some other infraction I'm doing that I'm completely unaware about. Something that will be glaringly obvious in hindsight, but that I just can't seem to grasp now.

I'm beginning to hope I will be fired. The problem is not the job; it's me. I'm sick of my own incompetency. I'm sick of trying to improve, only to have all my efforts erased because I unwittingly do something else wrong.

I don't think I work enough hours to qualify for severance: my severance will be relief that I'm not being penalized for not trying hard enough or not wanting the job enough or having my coworkers hate me for being an entitled little snot.

I don't mean to sound like I am passing judgment on you, but from what I have been able to see from your recent posts is you are stuck in a rut. I think finding another job would be beneficial because if you get fired you can lose your unemployment due to employee misconduct-- showing up late like that can be used against you.

Has counseling helped?

[winterglen]

Counseling has helped.

The ideal would be for me to find another job before I make the final mistake, but face it, my attitude really sucks right now.

Employee misconduct -- God, I hate those words. My boss was telling me the importance of being reliable and arriving to work on time. I know that. I wasn't trying to be rude or inconsiderate. I didn't plan on shirking my extra shifts. I realize it was my fault for forgetting but I hate that everyone seems to think that I am choosing to do this. I don't like that I did this.

I'm tired of this. I'm tired of trying so hard and wanting so much to do my job well, only to make some enormous mistake like this. I'm tired of constantly worrying about what I'm forgetting or what I'm doing wrong or how I'm unknowingly alienating people. I'm tired of being afraid to ask for help. I'm tired of feeling like I'm bothering people simply by existing. I just want to get away from it so I don't feel like this anymore. I don't want to be the person that everyone resents and tries to avoid, even if I know I deserve it. It hurts and I just want to stop hurting.

I'd love to change, but I simply don't have the energy or the knowledge to do so. I know it's my fault and I'm doing my best to correct it, but I have a feeling my best isn't going to be good enough. People seem to be overestimating how much control I have. They seem to want to believe I secretly take pleasure in being an inconvenient pest. I don't. I don't want this. I am trying to change, but I'm too exhausted from guessing what I'm supposed to be doing only to get it wrong most of the time.

[winterglen]

Originally Posted by Strive4health

I don't mean to sound like I am passing judgment on you, but from what I have been able to see from your recent posts is you are stuck in a rut. I think finding another job would be beneficial because if you get fired you can lose your unemployment due to employee misconduct-- showing up late like that can be used against you.

Has counseling helped?

I'm sorry for the long rant. It's not aimed at you. I know you're not being judgmental, and I know I deserve the employee misconduct label.

You're certainly right that I could use a fresh start at another place. I know I'm making my life harder by letting myself be lazy. I wish I could get out of this lethargy and do something productive.

[Strive4health]

I mention the misconduct because someone I'm close to lost their unemployment due to the way it can be interpreted It sucks, but it's something you have to remember.

Would meeting with someone who specializes in career counseling help? Or a job support group, or a job transition group?

[winterglen]

Originally Posted by Strive4health

I mention the misconduct because someone I'm close to lost their unemployment due to the way it can be interpreted It sucks, but it's something you have to remember.

Would meeting with someone who specializes in career counseling help? Or a job support group, or a job transition group?

Maybe. There's one career counselor I tried to contact and explained my situation. Haven't heard back yet.

Thank you for not being as judgmental on me as I am on myself.

[Strive4health]

I think we all can use an understanding ear from time to time

[waterknob1234]

Good luck with your situation. It sounds so similar to mine. My job was hard before a new company took over, but at least I knew what the situation would be like everyday and I knew how to do my job. When the new company took over they changed the way everything is done and set up unreasonable tasks and duties. Add to that their threats and bullying. They also make me feel incompetent. I too want another job but I don't want to go back to minimum wage work. I'm too exhausted to even put together a resume and look for another job but I need to and it sounds like it would be beneficial as well. You need to be where you don't dread work or feel incompetent. Good luck and best wishes.