Afraid of work

I worked my butt off and got my masters degree a few years ago. It also got me in significant student loan debt. I've worked a couple different jobs since graduation but at each one I've had a hypomanic/mixed/or depressive episode.

I'm afraid that working 40 hour weeks is too triggering for me. I'm afraid I'm never going to be able to work "properly". I know this is a little black and white of me and probably just a symptom of my current depression but I'm honestly afraid of working.

araya, I'm afraid of work too, with my current depression. I just got fired from a temp job doing data entry after two days. I have a law degree and used to have my own practice. I've really slid back in terms of my functionality.

Did your illness change since graduation? School is a "job" too so maybe it is a matter of finding a job that utilizes similar skill sets. Just brainstorming...

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i was always afraid of work. i wanted the the money but working was scary i was told a lot of bad stuff about jobs. i heard more bad than good and i was told the only good thing is a paycheck! wtf?!? when i was in college, yea, it's like a job and i did pooly in college. i had a job in college and did poorly. for me, i had poor parents who were terrible at jobs and had no real idea how to go about it.

they don't know i am working and i am trying to be more positive about it. my boss wants me to learn more about help desk and i do feel scared about not knowing what to say i feel as though my english isn't great (i am an american born and raised english is my first language). anyway, i believe i am getting better....

thats a good a idea...and I'm looking into working at a university. But yeah, my illness has gotten worse since school. I had a severe mixed episode during my 2nd (of 4) semester in grad school but otherwise did ok. I've had several severe depressed/hypomanic/mixed episodes since school though. So the frequency has gotten much worse.

My husband wants me to take some time off to rest and heal but I just don't know how long I need to rest. Although, as I type that I think he'll be able to tell me when I'm ready to work again even if I'm not sure. He knows me very well and I know has my best interest in mind.

Can you find a job at a university (or sort of place similar to what you studied), sort of similar to studying? You were a successful student, just carry some of those skills forward. Pretend it is a practicum or make a plan (so, for your purposes it is a practicum) and then the outside influences won't be so scary because you will just see them as part of the tasks you have to complete like papers and tests.

If you can afford to take time off to rest and heal, go for it! You may surprise yourself by running across the thing you really want to do. Actively exploring different options without having to take any of them is also very liberating and educational.

Arya, it is admirable that you are honest about your fears. That is a good (no, great) first step. And recognizing the black and white thinking is good, also. As I have gotten healthier I've tried to think of many decisions I make as 'trials'. If something doesn't work out or isn't a fit, it is OK to move on AND it doesn't make me a bad person. It sure takes the pressure off when I think in these terms.

i am disabled mentally and pshysically so i can't work, but always wished i could after an accident i was in. i say you should take a break and/or find something you like doing, as the saying goes- you'll never have to work a day in your life if you like what you're doing

Just a thought...take some time and rest and if you find yourself wanting or ready, maybe start off volunteering at a company you wish to eventually work for. It might give you more leeway than a paying job and it can be a test run as you might be better able to play with how many hours you put in.

Thanks everyone for the input.

After talking with my husband and best friends, and getting an offer at the interview, I'm going to accept a position at a coffee shop near my house. I worked there years ago and remember it being relatively stress free (compared to the jobs I've had in my chosen profession). At the very least it will get me out of the house for a few hours a week, I'll make some money, and I'll get free coffee. (really, this is a huge selling point for me. I love coffee)

In the meantime, I'm going to look into getting some more training in an area of my chosen profession that I've enjoyed doing, gotten some contract work to do, and isn't nearly as stressful.

Thanks and I hope this is the right decision.

Good for you and congrats on the job. I just wanted to say after college I have had great difficulties with working. I was fine before college and I worked full time while in school full time. I don't know what happened to me. I went to school in my late 20s. Every day going to work is a struggle. I guess I wanted you to know you are not alone. I wish you well with the new position.

Congratulations on the new job - - that's awesome!

I know what you mean. When my BP and GAD were not well controlled, I was so stressed I did not feel like I could function at all at work. I felt like I either wanted to scream at my boss or just sit in a corner and stare into space.

After a resume killing long list of jobs I finally got with a p-doc who helped me with the right combination of meds. Now I am able to function at a high level. I still have problems with anxiety, but at least I am not bouncing off the walls anymore because I am cycling.

Hang in there! Things will get better. I felt like a failure for a long time because I could not hold onto a job. However, I think the mental health system failed me because I did not get the help I needed.

This sounds like a good plan! Sometimes it's nice to have a "decompression" phase after school. If you didn't allow yourself that sufficiently, stress can really take a toll. Good luck!