[clairmontman]

Hello all, I don't know if it is okay to post on here or if its the right place to be doing so, but here goes anyways..
I'm a 32 year old male, I work in a management position in an extremely cut throat and demanding industry. I've been doing this for about 5 years and I have become very successful at what I do. I have a girlfriend of 2 years, that has relocated with me across the country to a position within the same organization.

for a long time now I have been becoming more and more stressed out, to a point where i'm feeling numb to a lot of things. Amazingly I have not been bringing my work home with me, which is probably the only reason why my relationship is still together right now. My significant other and I have been distant for a long time. She is not interested in any activities that I enjoy, and I am constantly doing what she likes to keep things "copacetic". She is not the type to show affection, or much of any similar emotions, which is unfortunate as I appreciate them and find them very comforting. I can be a very stubborn individual, and I make some things a lot more difficult than they need to be. I badly want to feel the love from a woman in ways that I have felt before, and although I know she loves me, she doesn't show it either physically or emotionally. Wanting something like this without receiving it is very difficult for me to deal with. sometimes my mind wanders and I start to think about finding happiness elsewhere, but I would rather have this work out.

As far as work goes, I am caught in a position where every day there are insurmountable odds to finish each day on a positive note. I don't believe there is any possible way to complete each day without any issues, but I am very successful in fixing issues as they happen and finding ways to lower the chance of them happening again. That being said, the toll it takes from always striving so hard and never being able to reach a goal, can be very overwhelming. I am the only one in charge of a decent amount of people, so showing weakness or self doubt is not an option. So I do not show either.

I do like my job, although it feels like it is killing me (doesn't make much sense I guess). I do love my spouse, although the lack of emotion is taking a serious toll on me...

It feels like I am a lone soldier fighting the same battle every day, then I go home to a cold unwelcoming house. I want to feel successful. I want to be wanted by my spouse. I've been doing this for so long and it is tearing me up inside..

This may seem like a typical problem that most guys have, and to a degree it is. I have had similar issues in the past with other jobs and other women, but it wasn't remotely comparable in intensity to what it is now..

I hope this isn't taken as being whiney, and I don't expect a miracle answer to my issues. I guess it just feels good to get it off my chest and hopefully someone out there can listen without being too judgemental.

[bluekoi]

clairmontman, What do you really want?

[H3rmit]

My husband is like you, wants verbal affection. I make an effort to express in his terms. Seems a reasonable thing to do - and I want to please him. Negotiating expectations is often complicated. Have you talked with her about this? Your need is hardly unusual, and I hope you two can resolve it.

Good for you not bringing work home. Wish I were good at that.

[clairmontman]

Originally Posted by bluekoi

clairmontman, What do you really want?

I guess I'm not sure what I want. Maybe to just be happy overall. to help her be happy and for her to do the same for me. Would be nice if I could find a way to deal with the stress at work too.

I have to find my own happiness.. It's very trying with so much negativity around though. Thanks for listening to my venting. it does help to put my thoughts out there..

[clairmontman]

Originally Posted by H3rmit

My husband is like you, wants verbal affection. I make an effort to express in his terms. Seems a reasonable thing to do - and I want to please him. Negotiating expectations is often complicated. Have you talked with her about this? Your need is hardly unusual, and I hope you two can resolve it.

Good for you not bringing work home. Wish I were good at that.

Thanks

Yes I have brought it up. it is taken somewhat defensively, but ends with a positive note. However things do not ever change. I wish I could express just how important it is to me.

Good job to you too for recognizing that you can be more supportive of your husbands needs

[thickntired]

Hi,

I can relate to your situation. I worked in shark tanks where every co-worker was cut throat. It was a horrible situation, and I didn't have what it takes to even defend myself. I couldn't imagine if I had direct reports like you. At the height of my career I had a MBA, excellent references, and was making good money at fortune 500 companies. Then I just cracked under all the pressure. I started keeping pill bottles stashed in my desk and popped hydrocodone all day. A few times I fell asleep at work or went home for lunch and returned 3 hours later after my nap. Then when it came time to provide my sales analysis I became completely manic and typed up crazy jibberish. I lost 2 jobs in 3 years, and the last job fired me for incompetence after 4 months!! Anyway, I thought my life was over. My entire resume and all of my work history was in high pressure employment. I ended up going on disability in 2012. Today, I have nightmares that I have a spreadsheet or PowerPoint presentation due and wake up in a complete panic. I believe that I have mild ptsd from my career. I can't tell you how relieved I feel when I know it was a nightmare and I don't have to go to the office. I barely have any money. Long gone are the days of pedicures, expensive dinners, salon haircuts, massages and travel. But, I'll take happy and poor any day of the week.

My point is that you are very valid in your claims. Work related stress is hush-hush in our society, and almost no employee has a healthy work/life balance. There are definitely damages that mental and physical health can suffer from any kind of stress and work is usually the biggest culprit.

[clairmontman]

Originally Posted by thickntired

Hi,

I can relate to your situation. I worked in shark tanks where every co-worker was cut throat. It was a horrible situation, and I didn't have what it takes to even defend myself. I couldn't imagine if I had direct reports like you. At the height of my career I had a MBA, excellent references, and was making good money at fortune 500 companies. Then I just cracked under all the pressure. I started keeping pill bottles stashed in my desk and popped hydrocodone all day. A few times I fell asleep at work or went home for lunch and returned 3 hours later after my nap. Then when it came time to provide my sales analysis I became completely manic and typed up crazy jibberish. I lost 2 jobs in 3 years, and the last job fired me for incompetence after 4 months!! Anyway, I thought my life was over. My entire resume and all of my work history was in high pressure employment. I ended up going on disability in 2012. Today, I have nightmares that I have a spreadsheet or PowerPoint presentation due and wake up in a complete panic. I believe that I have mild ptsd from my career. I can't tell you how relieved I feel when I know it was a nightmare and I don't have to go to the office. I barely have any money. Long gone are the days of pedicures, expensive dinners, salon haircuts, massages and travel. But, I'll take happy and poor any day of the week.

My point is that you are very valid in your claims. Work related stress is hush-hush in our society, and almost no employee has a healthy work/life balance. There are definitely damages that mental and physical health can suffer from any kind of stress and work is usually the biggest culprit.

That is quite the story there! I am sorry that you went through that (and still are with the ptsd). It sounds like in the end you have won the battle as far as inner peace goes though, so that is excellent .

I have done the pill thing and the nap thing before. It's a bit shocking how similar of a situation it is. I hope I can keep going without breaking. I just hope I don't have a major anxiety attack or heart attack in the meantime.

Thanks for sharing your story. It feels a lot better knowing that I am not alone!

[thickntired]

I have done the pill thing and the nap thing before. It's a bit shocking how similar of a situation it is. I hope I can keep going without breaking. I just hope I don't have a major anxiety attack or heart attack in the meantime.

Oh No! This is not good at all. If you crossed the line into pills you have started breaking - in my opinion. What kind of pills? Are you drinking alcohol at when you get home? Adderall can cause a heart attack. I got caught doctor shopping and just started chomping on Musinex. If they had a surveillance camera my boss would know that 60% of the time I was paid for nodding off in front of my monitor. Also, I was having anxiety or panic attacks so frequently I didn't notice because they seemed normal. I would become short of breath, break out in red hives, my face felt like it was on fire, it was hard to maintain my balance because my legs felt like jello and I was petrified that I would start screaming curse words, act insane or do something perverted. Do you get regular check ups from a MD? Because during all of this I had to go on blood pressure medication. And if a MD or shrink puts you on any benzo (anti-anxiety) pill you're wasting your time. After about a month you'll build a tolerance, and they are so addictive most won't write a refill. It's the last thing anyone wants to hear, but exercise, sleep and therapy help more with anxiety.

Maybe you could write down the most stressful things about your job and the things you can handle then look for a different, comparable position? Trust me, you don't want someone else to make this decision for you or kill yourself trying to prove you can accomplish the impossible. In this job market employees' work loads are triple what they would be in a good economy. I understand that and everywhere will have an amount of stress. But, the days of company loyalty are gone, and different positions on a resume can show diverse knowledge.

[thickntired]

"As far as work goes, I am caught in a position where every day there are insurmountable odds to finish each day on a positive note."

Oh, and this seems like a completely unrealistic goal for any occupation including stay at home wife.

[aventurapsych]

have you tried to take up a hobby that you can get some real self fulfillment from?

[clairmontman]

Originally Posted by thickntired

I have done the pill thing and the nap thing before. It's a bit shocking how similar of a situation it is. I hope I can keep going without breaking. I just hope I don't have a major anxiety attack or heart attack in the meantime.

Oh No! This is not good at all. If you crossed the line into pills you have started breaking - in my opinion. What kind of pills? Are you drinking alcohol at when you get home? Adderall can cause a heart attack. I got caught doctor shopping and just started chomping on Musinex. If they had a surveillance camera my boss would know that 60% of the time I was paid for nodding off in front of my monitor. Also, I was having anxiety or panic attacks so frequently I didn't notice because they seemed normal. I would become short of breath, break out in red hives, my face felt like it was on fire, it was hard to maintain my balance because my legs felt like jello and I was petrified that I would start screaming curse words, act insane or do something perverted. Do you get regular check ups from a MD? Because during all of this I had to go on blood pressure medication. And if a MD or shrink puts you on any benzo (anti-anxiety) pill you're wasting your time. After about a month you'll build a tolerance, and they are so addictive most won't write a refill. It's the last thing anyone wants to hear, but exercise, sleep and therapy help more with anxiety.

Maybe you could write down the most stressful things about your job and the things you can handle then look for a different, comparable position? Trust me, you don't want someone else to make this decision for you or kill yourself trying to prove you can accomplish the impossible. In this job market employees' work loads are triple what they would be in a good economy. I understand that and everywhere will have an amount of stress. But, the days of company loyalty are gone, and different positions on a resume can show diverse knowledge.

Yes I do feel like I have already started breaking.. its harder almost every day. not trying to sound like "poor me" but it might come off that way.. I have taken Percocet, muscle relaxers, T4s.. They make things feel bearable. I haven't overdone it. maybe once every week or two when things get really bad. I also have short breath and my face gets all hot and sometimes feel kinda dizzy.. no hives though. maybe it's a panic attack or something, I'm not sure. I find myself craving alcohol a lot, but Im pretty good at keeping it to maybe 4-6 beers in the evening, although I feel like drinking a lot more than that. (I'm a really bug guy (not really fat though), so It takes a lot more than that to get a buzz)

Where I live there aren't enough doctors around that I can do a regular check up. I think your idea of looking for something else is really good, and I have typed up a resume, however I make just enough and have just enough perks to hold me back from going for it.. i'm afraid of losing seniority and respect and money..

Sorry for the late reply, And thank you for yours

[clairmontman]

Originally Posted by aventurapsych

have you tried to take up a hobby that you can get some real self fulfillment from?

I do have a couple hobbies that I really enjoy. They don't seem to make any sort of lasting difference but it is nice to do something enjoyable whenever possible

[thickntired]

I would take the time to go see a Dr no matter how far a drive. Your symptoms could also be caused by high blood pressure. You might want to buy a wrist monitor and keep track of your vitals. The drugs will only keep things bearable temporarily. As far as losing senority, money and respect are you willing to keep those and trade in your health?

[liveforfish]

Originally Posted by thickntired

"As far as work goes, I am caught in a position where every day there are insurmountable odds to finish each day on a positive note."

Oh, and this seems like a completely unrealistic goal for any occupation including stay at home wife.

I feel the same way. The stress has caused me physical health problems as well.