[CosmicRose]

I'm 22. I currently work as an at-home telemarketer for a company that sells things I don't care about. I don't have a college degree because I'm scared of going into debt or taking out a loan and having to pay it off for the next 5 years. I live with my 68 year old dad but I'm planning on moving out and buying my own house as soon as I save up for a down payment, and I'm even planning on moving to another state but this won't be for another year or even two. I'm scared to get a "real job" where I have to drive to work every day, interact with coworkers and customers face to face, and stay there from 9-5, I am very shy and just plain scared of this. I was super lucky with this at home job but its all on commission and its a struggle. The last job I had was in retail and I quit after 2 months because it was hell for me. I have nothing on my resume except a volunteer position I did when I was 18. I feel like I'm wasting my life or not doing what I should be doing like getting a degree or having a "real" job. My mom makes me feel like crap about this and my dad even comments about me still living with him. I'm so depressed right now I'm about to cry. I feel like a total loser. I just broke up with my boyfriend yesterday because I wasn't in love with him and he was a good guy. I can't believe my life right now, I don't know what to do. I'm scared and feel stuck. I'm terrified of "growing up" and actually being out on my own, but I crave the freedom so bad. I got in a fight with my dad tonight and I feel like ***** because I went off the handle and yelled at him, even though he helps me as much as he can. I'm so lost...

[Rose76]

You do sound very unhappy with your circumstances. I'm wondering what happened to you that you became so cut off from the world. Five years ago, you were probably in high school. Was that a miserable experience? Something happened to you that convinced you that life was not really worth participating in. I think you have to work through that before you will have any much hope of changing anything. Something was not right many years ago, even before you became a teenager.

I don't believe that you are incapable of having more of a life. Your parents denigrating you is not helping. Has that been going on all your life?

[CosmicRose]

High school was so bad I started doing homeschool in 10th grade. Before that I was bullied and experienced a lot of social anxiety in school I was going through a terrible time at home because my mom was a "functioning" alcoholic. They divorced, but not before my mom brought her new boyfriend in to live with all of us. Then I was raped at 15. I always imagined I'd be going to a university by now and my mom even works at one, but I'm scared and you're right I don't even feel like participating in society. But why do you think something "wasn't right" even before I was a teenager? I was a happy kid.

You are not a failure.
Life is difficult. Be determined to be the best you can be.
Put into practice everything you have learned thus far.
There is much for you to learn.
Life is all about learning.
There are many mysteries for you to solve.
Be courageous and find out who you are and why you are here

[hvert]

If it weren't for the $$$, would you want to go to college?

[IceCreamKid]

Dear. You are far too young to be a failure. You've had some crummy breaks and have reacted just about the way one would expect since it sounds like you didn't get enough professional help. Now is the time. Please enlist your mom or dad in helping you with your fears and anxiety and make an appointment with a counselor or therapist. I see a very nice young woman who is not the least bit threatening and yet she is very helpful; there are all kinds of people who are therapists and counselors. I am sure you can find one you can be comfortable with.

Look into online classes and various programs of study. You could also look into Coursera.org; it is free. If you want to get your feet wet doing college level work, try a free class in a subject that interests you. You don't have to get a 4-year degree if you don't want to; you could get an associate of arts degree in 2 years. A friend of mine started out with a 2 year degree, now she is in a Master's degree program!

Enlist the tools and help available to you and start creating a happy future for yourself. You can come here any time for support, to gripe, to tell us of the successes you've made, and just to chill Courage!

[CosmicRose]

Originally Posted by hvert

If it weren't for the $$$, would you want to go to college?

I don't know, I don't even know what I would want to major in because I don't know what job or career I want. Like I said, going to a 9-5 job almost terrifies me, so lets say I got a bachelors of science, I'd have to get a regular job with that degree. What I really really want to do is start my own business but I just have the outline for it right now. I realize I should have at least an associates for my future but I feel like whats the point of getting a degree if its just to be unhappy in a job I wouldn't like?

[Travelinglady]

CosmicRose, the first couple of years of college are usually general courses. You don't need to actually declare an official major until later. You might try on Intro to Business class, though.

Also, I really hope you can find a clinic that will let you just pay what you can and talk to a therapist. You might have something like social anxiety that can be treated.

You are absolutely not a failure. Please try your best to ignore your parents' negative comments. I have a 23-year-old who is back at home, taking college classes. He also works part-time. As long as he is working toward a goal, I am satisfied. You are not the only young person these days who is still living at home. Things are different from when we old fogey parents were getting out of high school.

[CosmicRose]

Yeah I often thought about social anxiety but I also feel like its something to be embarrassed about. So I don't like to go to therapists because they just validate it and basically talk me deeper into it, amplifying the problem, so to speak. So I try to like brush it under the rug so it doesn't get amplified, if that makes sense. Because I feel like if I don't validate it, I might be able to totally get over it quicker. Part of me just wonders if its like an internal compass trying to steer me towards my passions vs. what society whats me to do, like a follow the sheep sort of thing. I've been struggling with this for years and I've been to a few therapists, they don't help, they just stare at me and say "Get out more" or "Go to the YMCA and get a group hobby."
Thanks for reminding me that I don't need to declare a major right away, I keep forgetting that.
Yeah things are different, my mom and dad always talk about how much easier it was back then, my dad was already married and bought his own house at my age, but this was in the 60s when houses were like $13,000 LOL jk.

[Travelinglady]

Okay, have you talked to some other people here about social anxiety or just maybe being shy? Do you think you might have an issue with self-esteem? I was really shy and therapy helped me by building up my self-confidence, for one thing. Now I talk to anybody and everybody, perhaps too much sometimes!

[hvert]

I think not being sure about what you want to do can be very stressful. I'm in my 30s now, but when I was in my 20s, all I knew was that I wanted to buy a house. Looking back, I am not even sure why that was so important to me, why renting seemed like a bad option.

I did the undergrad degree path, even though I was unsure, because it seemed to keep my options for the future more open, if that makes sense. You may be able to find scholarships-- or even just ask to audit a class for free, to see if you like it.

You may also want to contact SCORE and SBDC to see what kind of classes they have for would-be small business owners. Knowledge is power-- even if you aren't sure whether or not you want a business, you'll have more information about what skills and tools you would need.

I don't think you are a failure at all -- you are struggling with big questions and decisions.

[Rose76]

Originally Posted by CosmicRose

I was going through a terrible time at home because my mom was a "functioning" alcoholic. They divorced, but not before my mom brought her new boyfriend in to live with all of us. ---------- But why do you think something "wasn't right" even before I was a teenager? I was a happy kid.

I don't think your mom became an alcoholic on your 13th birthday. Not that it makes a huge difference at what age you started feeling bad, but it can help to see what was lacking in your early years. My strong guess is that the roots of this are not in the fact that you were raped at age 15, or in the fact that you were bullied in the 10th grade. Those things sure didn't help, but I believe that, if a person makes it through their first 12 years getting all the experience and love that a child needs, it's not real likely that this person is going to become profoundly depressed a few years later. I can imagine that there are exceptions to that, but I don't think they are many.

I'll bet your parents were letting you down a lot earlier than age 13. If you remember those years as happy, then maybe your idea of "happy" sets the bar kind of low for what is happiness. At the very least, your mom was not providing you with a good role model for how to live well and feel successful. A child needs that. Kids can't figure out everything from scratch.

You have kind of had to be your own parent. That's an awful burden on a young person. I think your life has been not much fun from way back when. I've lived with alcoholics. It's not fun. So you don't have much of a conception of the joy that life can offer.

I think what you need more than anything is a connection to people who can provide some of what you didn't get at home. That's awfully tough to find. But it's sure you won't find it by staying in the house with your parent. Out in the workplace, or in a school setting, if you try your best at getting something done, you will attract the notice of adults who will encourage you. That could be the kind of positive attention that could help you understand that there is a place for you in the world where you will be valued. I think you need to find a good mentor. That's why I make those suggestions.

I never found any therapist who affected my life as deeply as a good supervisor who valued my efforts on a job where I tried hard to turn in a good day's work . . . . or a teacher who respected my effort in an academic program. The encouragement I got actually surprised me. Maybe I was lucky in the places that I landed up in. But I made a lot of moves looking for a congenial environment. One year I quit 6 different jobs. You don't have to stay anywhere you go to, if you hate it. But what would you have to lose by trying? You can always pack it in and go back to staying in your parent's house all the time. You already know that's not going to lead to anything good for you.

Someday, you'll look back and be so glad at the courage you mustered up to try something that seemed a little bit scary. You have that courage. You just have to decide to believe that.

[CosmicRose]

You're right. One of my earliest memories was having to console my mother in the bathroom because she was crying hysterically and telling me how jealous she was about her friend who bought a new house. This was even before I started kindergarten, or at least around that time. So I was probably 6-ish years old. She was often mentally unstable, and there were rare days when she was the mother I needed her to be.
Other times it was just me trying to pick up the pieces around her.

Thank you for your advice.

[Rose76]

It sounds like you've gotten wore out emotionally from your parents issues, before even getting a chance to make a life of your own. I am so sorry you've had this dragging you down. You're dad, at age 68, is maybe dependent on you a good bit, or will be soon.

Going to a community college is not anywhere as expensive as going off to a University. After a two year program at a local technical college, you might have a trade that would earn you enough money to be on your own. By the way you express yourself, it is apparent that you have the smarts to do well in school. I would urge you to look into that. There can be quite a wait to get into community college programs because they are such a good deal financially. Otherwise, I don't know how you will find a job that pays well enough for you to move out and have your own life.

Also, there is nothing wrong with renting. Owning a home has not turned out to be the road to wealth that it once seemed to be. But I don't see how you could do either without some training for a job that pays better than what you are currently doing.

At age 22, I was kind of in a similar boat. Then I did what I am encouraging you to do, and it worked out just as I hoped. At age 25, I finished a vocational program. At age 26, I got my own little apartment. I never had to move back with my parents after that. It's a feeling of emancipation that meant the world to me.

Sure, I've had lots of problems since, but nothing like the dead end feeling of hanging around in a dysfunctional family setting.

So go to the local community college and request a catalog. Nowadays they charge you about 5 bucks for it. (Of course, I'm dating myself, as the whole darn thing is probably available on-line.) Look it over, and sign up for even just one course. College English is a good place to start. You don't have to talk to a darn soul at school, if you don't feel like it. Just go to the classes and do your homework. If you make an honest effort, you'll suddenly find your self in the midst of a little circle of people that you share a big interest with - getting through the course with a good grade. It's nothing like high school. The social environment is completely different. You can be as social or non-social as you like, and nobody cares or judges.

Do that for one semester . . . . just one course. Then see how life looks to you. I promise you, you'll have a new perspective. It would be great if your dad could help you out with an old car. He owes you that much. Being home won't seem half as bad when you are connected to something outside of that house . . . something meaningful that you participate in and get credit for.

Age 22 is still very young. You have time to catch up. But the years go by, and it won't be long before you feel those walls closing in and you feel trapped. Right now, you are not much different from a lot of your peers. Lots of young people screw around for a few years after high school and then wake up in their early 20's realizing: "I've got to have a plan." When I went to community college at age 24, there were plenty of people like me there. Tried this . . . tried that . . . didn't pan out. We'ld had low-paying jobs, had apartments that we shared with roommates who didn't pan out. I'ld dropped in and out of colleges, and in and out of jobs, been in relationships that didn't work out.

So I got in a program that I knew would lead to a job that I could survive on. Had I not done that, I don't want to think of how I might have ended up.

You don't have parents to encourage you in a constructive way. Maybe your father even kind of likes having you sort of trapped there with him. Your not really trapped yet. But wait another 5 years, and your life will seem even worse than it does now.