Problems at work. Meeting to discuss my shortcomings.

Hello,

I have always had difficulties at work though I show up on paper as competent. I have a Ph.D. in a creative technological field as well as a patent. I was employed as a professor at a state university. My father is a Vietnam Vet and I grew up with him being very agitated more or less all of the time. It was constantly stressful. I have always had trouble controlling my stress level and stress reactions. I feel stress and emotional pain physically and by 24 I had developed fibromyalgia. It crushes me to have disappointing performance and/or let people down, and I am a perfectionist. I spend a lot of time reacting and not acting or thinking with executive capacities. Most of the time I strive just for the current moment to be okay. I crave peace of mind. I don't feel like I truly own who I am. I am tough, but the darkness of winter makes it my most vulnerable time of year.

I am currently separated from my husband for two, going on three, years. We have two grade-school aged children. In 2013 I graduated with my Ph.D. and moved to take a junior professor position in another state. I was very stressed and tired after writing and defending my dissertation over the course of a year. After packing my and my children's belongings, I moved single-handedly and set up a home. My husband moved to California (which was not the state I moved to with the children). When I started my position, there was a lot of expectation and good will toward me, but that eroded over the course of a year or so as I did not live up to those expectations. In the 20/20 of hindsight, I was not paying attention to the right things with respect to my new job, or to all the things I should have been paying attention to. I struggled with work/life/stress balance throughout, and skimped on sleep constantly. This lasted for two years before I was convinced by my ex to move to California so we could co-parent.

I spent six months job-searching before I left (while keeping up with my current job). It was very stressful because academic jobs in my field require a portfolio, writing samples, and multiple letters and essays....each one different for each position applied to. Interviews typically go multiple rounds culminating on a two-day on-site visit requiring travel.

The academic jobs I did get were too far from where my ex was living, so I took a very promising job at a prestigious science museum (after a lengthy, multi-round interview process totally 10 hours and requiring work samples in response to a posed problem). I was happy that I could land on my feet in the new location! I was also super tired and stressed. I packed up the house and the kids again and moved across the country. I had not had a free personal day for over a year. I was so, so tired.

When I started the job soon after moving, I found out that the job had previously been two positions. I was hired to manage a department and (I didn't fully understand this at the time) to save a project that was two years behind and had still failed to produce anything. The project had run through three previous people in the position I was hired for (one had died, one quit, and one was fired). I also had a previous commitment to teach a course at a local university, which I didn't realize was so far away from my full time work site.

Okay, well about three weeks into the jobs, my ex unexpectedly went to jail for two months. He was arrested while with the children the day before they were to start their first day at their new school. That same weekend, my mother announced that she had terminal cancer. I was also looking for and moving into a new apartment, as there was a misunderstanding about my first apartment taking in my dog (a detail not on par with my mother's announcement, but moving is a bit deal).

For the two months that my ex was in jail, I got the kids to school on time every day, moved the household once more, and thus kept the dog in the family. What I messed up on was keeping up with my main job. I was tasked with producing a prototype in 4-6 weeks (4 weeks was the original deadline and it slid to 6). I initially said this was unrealistic, but was told that it had to be done. So I put a bright face on and said, okay, let's do it. A week later my husband went to jail and my mother announced that she had terminal cancer and my kids started school and I began the process of moving. I thought that I could still finish the project (well actually I was more determined to finish the project because I had given my word that I would), but for technical reasons I failed to realize the project at the last moment. When asked how long it would take to finish, I said, realistically, 5 months (the honest time allocation for such a project). The project manager clutched her head and told me "you can't tell me this will take 5 months." They then took on three graduate student programmers who worked long, Red Bull fueled hours for two months to finish the project, and took me out of the loop except for smaller tasks.

During the time my ex-husband was in jail, my work behaviour became a little erratic. I was late to some important meetings (partially due to inexperience with the local public transportation but also because I cut it too close). I was sleeping minimally and waking up at 4 am just to make the day work, and swilling loads of coffee. So I was prone to speak a bit stressfully and dramatically and overemphatically during meetings (no meltdowns or outbursts though). So here are my ultimate troubles:

. I miscommunicated with a lab tech at the university I was teaching at and ended up taking course materials out of a storage closet that I should not have. He complained about this and I got a very public, multiple paragraph email lashing from a senior professor effectively ending my reputation at that university.

. I failed to deliver the project mentioned above at my full-time job, and have been caught in multiple miscommunication issues throughout the project, causing the project leads to call meetings with me (one of which I was very late to) to express their disappointment.

. I was too emphatically protective of my department's time in regard to helping out with a project from another department because it seemed ill-formed and I didn't want us to get sucked into it. This caused some sort of ripple. Not sure what though.

These troubles, particularly those with respect to the main project discussed, are causing me amazing amounts of internal pain and depression. I hate disappointing people. I hate doing things wrong. The semester has ended for the university job, so there will be some relief as I put that behind me, but my mistakes or misalignments at my main job are a source of constant suffering because I am consistently presented with the disapproval and disappointment of the project leaders. I am getting called into another meeting first thing Monday morning to discuss yet another miscommunication as well as the fact that I copied too many people on an email thread which held the miscommunication. The only way I can face this meeting is to think about quitting, else I get very upset. I could maybe last a month or two without a job. I have skills and could pickup something else, probably, maybe, in that amount of time. So after all this storytelling, my questions are these: Is this the right idea? What am I doing wrong? Am I going to survive this, because I am getting a little suicidal in a way that I've never felt before. I am so, so upset.

Also worth mentioning is that throughout all of this, my mind is failing. I can't remember basic or recent things. And I get disoriented. I will pick up a brush to brush my hair, and get caught up in thinking, and find myself many minutes later in another room. Then I can't find the brush. I have no idea where it is. And I should be rushing to catch the train to work because I have fallen behind.

What do I say tomorrow morning at the meeting that was called to discuss my shortcomings and miscommunications?

I have the same problem. This is what people tell me. Listen Listen Listen do not be to defensive. Come with a plan to show how you can improve. These are minor faults with no major catastrophes happening. YOU are not the problem here.

Hello friday1967: I'm so sorry you received no replies to your post until today. At this point, I presume the meeting has occurred. I hope that it went better than you had feared. Here is my assessment of your situation, for what it's worth (if anything... By the way, during my working years I was a vocational rehabilitation counselor.)

What strikes me is that you're simply staggering under the weight of too much responsibility. Your disorientation & memory lapses are symptoms of significant levels of stress & probably some depression too.

From what you wrote, my impression is that you are simply reaching too far. You have too many irons in the fire, as the saying goes. You're trying to build & maintain a high-powered professional career while also being essentially a single parent, attempting to accommodate your ex, moving around, & now worrying about (& maybe providing care for your terminally ill mother.) I have to say that, from my perspective, this would crush most people! I'm amazed that you're even still on your feet!

I won't address what you might have said in your meeting since it has presumably already happened. But, from my perspective, what you really need to do is to take a hard look at where you are at the present time. The cold hard reality may be that, given your family responsibilities at the present time, trying to build & maintain a high-powered professional career is simply not feasible. Perhaps you need to consider settling for a lesser employment situation that does not require so much commitment of time & mental energy. I know you said you are a perfectionist. And this is apparent in what you wrote. But there is a limit to what the human psyche can tolerate. And I suspect that the disorientation & memory lapses you're experiencing are signals to you that you are heading toward meltdown. The fact that you are beginning to entertain the possibility of suicide simply reinforces this perspective.

I read allot of posts, here on PC. And one impression I have developed is allot of people are searching for some secret formula they think will remedy their mental health struggles. They imagine there must be some treatment regimen out there they haven't heard about that, if they can just find it, will make all the difference. The reality is, from my perspective, there are no secret treatment regimens. The options are pretty-much straight forward. There are psych med's, there's individual therapy, other therapies such as CBT, DBT, etc. Then there are the lifestyle changes we can make in an effort to improve our general health & our ability to function in the day-to-day world. Nothing is hidden. So again from my perspective what I would suggest... (by the way, I just hate making suggestions...) what I would suggest is that you seek the services of an experienced therapist with whom you can sort through everything you have going on in your life & come to some decisions with regard to what you must do in order to carry on. This is complicated. It is something that will take some time.

Beginning to entertain suicidal thoughts is a serious matter. It can also be a slippery slope. (I know because I've been there.) So I would encourage you not to brush this off. I hope that I have not in any way offended you. I have tried to share with you my straight-forward assessment of your situation as I understand it after having read your post. If I have misunderstood your intent, I offer my apologies. I send warm thoughts your way with the hope that you will be able to find peace in your life...

How did your meeting go? I also wonder if you could find any relief in intermittent FMLA. If you miss time in order to take care of your mother, your job might be protected (if your position is covered - it's not a definite, just something to explore/google).

What do YOU want to do? What does your ideal job look like and where is it?

Dear friday1967,

I feel for you. I am a PhD student currently on a sick leave because of an emotional breakdown. Long story short, I failed to get any decent data, I started getting very disappointed in myself, I lost all self confidence and all my enthusiasm and passion for my research, I started feeling depressed and anxious and ended up crying every day without producing (in terms of research) hardly anything at all. My husband has a PhD and he is looking for a permanent academic position in Europe and in the US. His current contract will end in less than a year, which means that we might have to live apart for some time if I happen to find the strength to keep going with my PhD. Right now I don't see myself graduating and I have convinced myself that my scientific career is over. My days are filler with depression and anxiety and I find it hard to see any reasons for my existence. I have withdrawn myself from social activities and I not really looking forward to Christmas. My husband is leaving on a two-week research trip in January and I am scared of being left alone with my mind.

Ok, enough about me, lets talk about you.

First of all, your project... You are the fourth person to work on it - that raises questions. That may indicate that
1. The project is too hard, too big or too abstract and difficult to plan.
2. The upper management is bad or that their demands are unrealistic.

Academic jobs are tricky, the way I see them now. On one hand you get the pride of being a professor, a scientist, a mentor. On the other hand you have to work overtime, 20 hours a day - as my boss has requested, and you have to sacrifice. A dear friend of mine once said that doing his PhD was the worst decision he ever made. He switched back to industry after doing a couple of postdoc's. Another friend of mine said that an academic job will eat everything you give to it, including your personal life and your sanity - you have to keep some things for yourself. It took me a while to understand what they meant.

My advice to you is to seek help. Registering in this forum is already a good step - hang in here, you will learn something from what others have to say.

I was in denial about my problems for a long time. A colleague, who went though a burnout, told me to see a professional. And I did, but after I could not work anymore. If you haven't seen a psychiatrist or a therapist yet - you should definitely consider it. Here is a nice article about what you might be experiencing:
https://www.mindtools.com/pages/arti...om-burnout.htm

Recognize your problems. I recently discovered that I am doing a lot of negative thinking. I wake up in the middle of the night thinking "Oh no, I am about to fail my PhD. I should do something, but I am soooo tired". These thought are not helpful and they definitely have contributed to my current state. I researched this problem online and apparently it is a thing. I found the following article helpful:
http://www.gapsychology.org/?307

Read books that may help you. I would recommend The Seven Habits of Highly Efficient People by S. R. Covey. It will not solve all your problems, but it may help you in dealing with them. One of the ideas discussed in this book include that you cannot be efficient if you don't give yourself a break.

Getting a little suicidal - been there. I don't know about you, but I would get these thought like "If I get hit by a bus in an hour that would be an easy way out". These thought would go away once the stress levels went down. You know, after all - it is just a job, your life is worth so much more.

Do you have anybody to help you? A baby sitter at home, for example.

Your truly,
Jenny, who wanted to get hit by a bus to escape the embarrassment of failing a PhD

Thank you all so much. I am readying and processing your replies. I made it through the meeting on Monday, and felt good....like, I can keep this job after all . But now that I am reflecting on what was said, and continuing to fail in the simplest tasks, I'm back where I was on Monday.

And I thought I was done a disservice ay my Eval!

I had an attack just READING all that! Like Skeezyks said - lesser people would have broken LONG before that! I was with you at the beginning - perfectionist etc, but I KNOW I'd be in a rubber room somewhere if I was trying to juggle all that.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Easy for me to say from here but I beat the crap out of myself too. Imagine your best friend was handling all that and how you'd admire her for pushing on. Then wrap your arms around yourself and give yourself a hug. You deserve it.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk

Hi Everyone,

Thank you so much for your replies and apologies for taking a while to get back to you. I have been surviving the situation, and it is not changing. Finally, after the project lead came into my work area yelling at me in a very public way in front of my employees, I realized that this might not all be about my mistakes.

This project is two years behind. I am the third person on this project in this position. The others have quit or been let go or some combination of that. I have never been allowed the respect of setting a proper deadline. Early on in the project I received an email from a former person in this position, in response to my query about finding some missing files, where he offered that while he had enjoyed working at the organization, that he had regretted ever getting involved with this project and that as far as he knew, anyone else who was involved felt the same way.

So I've decided that this may not all be about me screwing up, and that I need to push back and stand up for myself instead of beating myself up.

Skeezyks, that is great advice. I don't know how I could have been offended by it. You don't need to pre-apologize.

JustJenny, did things get better?