It's all about the clothes...

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to share something that bothers me a lot lately.
I have an IT job. It's quite ok, but the company is not where I want to spend my life. And I could earn a lot more and lead a better life if I would become a consultant.
There's one problem there though. I did do job interviews for consultant jobs. Passed all their tests and then they asked me 'but do you think you can fit in with the style of the company?' (meaning: you should dress nicer)... I felt hurt (had put on the best clothes I have in my wardrobe) and gave up. I went to my job interviews in clothes I felt comfortable with. So I embarked on a Converse-and-jeans-journey and eventually found a job in a company that kind of accepts me the way I am. But now it's time to move on.
But I don't want to change myself, I don't want to dress myself every single day in clothes I feel awful about...

Does anyone recognize this issue? I know I'm exaggerating, but it feels as if I don't fit into this world. I try to explain everyone that I can't be a consultant and an actor at the same time. People tell me 'don't be silly, just put on the clothes and do what you have to do'. But it IS an issue for me. I'm gay and I don't feel very comfortable in very female clothing, so it just feels extra difficult to 'fit in' for me.
Now it's keeping me from being enthousiast about my job search or even to start looking for jobs. This sucks... I know I have other talents, dressing up just isn't one of them. But unfortunately an important one in today's world. Apparently.

Personally, I think that pantsuits are coming back in. Especially for professional working women. What if you just got a pair or two of nice black dress pants and a few button up tops?

I'm currently job hunting and, for me, it's a conservative black print top and light sweater. I wear it with black pants. I do need some nicer pants and nicer shoes. I have everything else.

I know what you mean about wanting to be yourself. I just want to be comfortable.

Best of luck to you, Cat

I don't see why you can't wear a suit with or without a tie if you'd be more comfortable with that. I can't speak for what the attitude is in Europe as I'm from the US (so maybe I'm way off here), but I've worn suits and tuxes even in the past and maybe only one person had a problem with it. And since he wasn't in charge, I just went on my merry way. Or like it was also suggested, button up shirts and pants. Buy men's shirts if they fit you and are more comfortable.

Hey there!

I'm a software contractor and a lesbian. And while I definitely don't really mind the professional look, I did have to buy a whole new wardrobe for my job lol. I was definitely 100% a sneaker, tshirt, and jeans girl so it's been a very... interesting experience to say the least hahaha. My most basic suggestion honestly is just to go adventuring online first and try to find anything you'd be willing to wear. Then go into a bunch of different stores and see if there is anything close and give it a shot. Aim more for the male selections if it makes you more comfortable just to test out the waters.

In my understanding, most of the time, contractors always have to dress business casual at minimum so perhaps you might want to switch your search more towards normal full time at a large company. I did an internship at Microsoft and almost all the developers were in jeans and a tshirt.

Currently, my own wardrobe consists of like... 90% button-ups and slacks/khakis. I've never worn a dress or anything remotely super feminine and probably never will at work. One other idea I have is getting a few plain tshirts/tanktops and putting a guy's cardigan over it? Polos are also pretty great! Other suggestions all include getting a few basic button-ups layering it with sweaters. And also once you get in, you might be able to let it inch back into a more casual wardrobe when they aren't looking :P You can also try to pull a Steve Jobs and wear nothing but turtlenecks lol.

Best of luck!

They might not realize that you're gay, and they might not mean that you need to wear skirts and such.

Western society has come a long way in regards to women being accepted in all manner of fashions. It is no longer a big deal if a woman wants to have very short hair, wear jeans and t-shirts, or never touch makeup. Only ignorant people are going to look at a woman with short hair and jeans and think, "She must be a butch lesbian." Part of this is also due to doing away with stereotypes towards homosexual people, as well.

So chances are that they just meant dressing nicer, but not more feminine. It would be worth it to get yourself a comfortable, well-fitted pantsuit. When higher quality and properly fitted, they can be quite comfy.

Elkino, the world has high standards. They always judge the outside of a book by its cover. They judge us by the car we drive, our social clubs, etc. If you were offered a better paying job and you just had to dress up, do it. How many people would give their right arm who have been out of work for years would love to have the opportunity you do. Yes, I am a comfort zone person also. Yet we need to be grown up in the adult world, and present ourselves as such. If the company hires you to represent them then you have to look the part because they pay you. You can go to a thrift shop and ask them for help to look for clothes that would give you the image you need. They might even help you find a new style of clothes that you will learn to like and wear. tc

Why do you want to be a consultant so badly? If you don't want to dress in clothes you don't like and those clothes are required for a consultant job.... Look for something else? Plenty of jobs out there where jeans, t-shirt and sneakers are perfectly fine - not just in IT.

I understand your dilemma. I have worked in IT for over 35 years. My first job required a a blue or gray suit with nylons and pumps. I ******* hated it. My last few jobs were business casual. I wear khakis with button down shirt or polos. But the last interviews I wore a pants suit and felt more comfortable.

I would rather wear jeans, t-shirts or polos, but a lot of corporate America frowns upon it.

Very good question. I'm still wondering about it really.
So far, for me it's because I could make more money for doing the exact same job as the one I have right now. And I think I may like the 'drive' and the fact that you can work on different projects at different companies. It seems more challenging.

But yes, if I have to pretend to be someone I'm not, feel uncomfortable in the clothes I'm wearing all day long, I wonder whether it's worth it. Now I'm in a company where clothes really don't matter at all. And that feels quite good. :-)

Pumps? That would be an absolute no. I'd look like a drag queen!
Wouldn't even be able to walk into the building, I guess. lol

Thanks!

Very nice to hear from someone who experienced more or less the same. :-)
Right now I am working for a bigger company and it absolutely doesn't matter at all what I'm wearing. (The more original the quotes on your t-shirt, the better ). Feels great.

Maybe I should give it a try and look for something online first. Maybe the image I have in my head is a bit too... far from who I am.
It definitely would be a big investment though. I have absolutely nothing in my wardrobe I'd feel even comfortable going to an interview with.
The contractors who work for my company are all male, so it's a bit hard to think about what a 'female version' of that would look like. But after all, they don't wear suits either, so I guess something more comfortable than a pantsuit should be possible.

Something completely different, but why did you decide to work as a contractor?

I have no idea if this would work for you or how you would feel about it: I dyed 3 pairs of my blue jeans black(don't know why but almost IMPOSSIBLE to find black jeans here in my size). I dyed them the deepest black I could find and no one at my job has ever caught on that I'm not wearing black slacks. For shirts I usually go for a polo because they pretty much fit like a tshirt and are the same material. I'm comfy and still in dress code for my job.

You get paid to do a job, as they are paying you, they get to call the shots.
It's about what they want.

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Like the OP my preference is jeans and t-shirts, but I have a professional position with a company that requires business casual attire. I wear khaki style pants in different colors with a variety of different style tops. Some of the pants came from the men's department because they fit me better than ladies do. The majority of my shirts are button up. I also wear polos. I frequently layer a long sleeve button up shirt or sweater over a plain t-shirt. The building I work in is cold so I wear layers a lot. I'm comfortable, both physically and mentally, in what I wear.

I believe most folks dress more "up scale" for interviews than they do for work. We are trying to present the best image of yourselves to the interviewer. Maybe you could buy one nice outfit for interviews. That doesn't mean you have to wear a skirt/dress, just something nice looking. I like the suggestion of a pantsuit or a nice pair of slacks and top.

Just as an aside - I've come to appreciate that what I wear to work is different from what I wear at work. At the end of the day I'm able to set work aside when I change my clothes.

True. But who says someone wearing jeans wouldn't be able to do the job as good as someone in a costume? I get that you can't wear old or dirty clothes, but... I don't know. Just don't like the whole thing I guess.

Clothes, the uniform you wear matters. It tells a story.

Like, if I wear a policeman's uniform you assume I'm a policeman.

I wear a sharp suit you make assumptions.

I turn up with worn jeans, t shirt tattoos, piercings. Long hair.
I dont get job.

Unfair but life ain't fair


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It's about presenting a put-together and professional image. If you want clients/co-workers to take you seriously and trust that you know what you are doing, you have to look and conduct yourself like a professional. It is also about fitting in with a company's culture. You don't have to look the same or behave the same as others, but you do have to complement the "vibe" so to speak. They want to hire someone who is going to be a "team player." That doesn't mean can't be yourself--you just have to be a professional version of yourself. It's a lot like using appropriate language at work (no swearing, no rudeness, etc), or knowing how to behave appropriately with co-workers/clients. You don't have to look "fancy," you just have to look like you are "at work" and not on your living room couch or at the beach. You could get away with black jeans and a polo shirt, black jeans and a blazer, khakis and a button-up, khakis and a loose sweater. There are a million options for looking professional without dressing femme or fancy or being uncomfortable. Other posters have suggested so many great options, but you don't seem to like any of them. It seems like you are resistant to the whole "idea" of looking professional, rather than just the clothes themselves. It's not that you can't work on the computer in sweats & a tee-- it's that your co-workers/clients will be less likely to trust your advice or want your help on their computers, others walking around the office might wonder if you are supposed to be there, and you will call attention to yourself if you look significantly underdressed in comparison to others. I'm not saying this is necessarily fair, but it is the way things work. I'm a professor and I'm young-ish but look even younger. I significantly over-dress in comparison to many of my colleagues because, if I don't, my students don't take me as seriously or treat me with as much respect. It's not "fair"-- but I dress that way so that the attention is on my lectures instead of on "me." The more professional I come across, the smoother the class runs.

Maybe you're right. I do feel resistant to the whole idea of dressing up for work. I don't think it's fair that people are being judged based on the way they look (Whatever this is about. Whether it's about clothes, a handicap, etc).
But I do understand what you're saying about the impression you give to others. I can't say it wouldn't have any influence on me either.
And yes, a lot of people have been offering ideas. I just think that maybe I have a slightly wrong idea about what the dress code for consultants looks like.
Because a lot of female consultants that I know dress very very feminine, that seems to be 'the look' that I should aim for. Maybe it isn't.
I'm afraid that if I dress up but not necessarily feminine, it'll influence my chances on getting a job. I don't feel confident.
And possibly I'm a bit frustrated because I feel so bad in that kind of clothes and envy people who feel absolutely comfortable wearing these things.
I'll give it some time to think about and look into options.
Thanks

I'm a lesbian and totally get where you are coming from. My spouse used to be in the corporate world and she dressed in business professional attire as that was what was expected back then. Macy's had a saleslady in their women's section who would outfit her perfectly. It took a lot of word of mouth to find her but she was worth her weight in gold.

What look would you want to brand as your own? Could you print some pics from the internet of fashion that interests you and take them to a department store and have them help you put together a look? Ellen is cool, what about that look?

Thanks!

Actually, I noticed that I feel a bit resistant to dressing 'gay' even though I am. lol It is weird. I want to be myself, but then again, maybe not.
I feel super bad in clothes that are too feminine. Feel bad wearing clothes that look too male too. I'm afraid that if I do that, I'll also make a bad impression for job interviews. But it's more than that, I don't feel the need to do that anyway. It's just way more easy for me to still look a bit feminine in casual clothes'. I don't know whether I'm explaining this properly. It's just hard to explain really.
I wouldn't wear a shirt with a tie or a shirt with a sweater on top or even a polo shirt. Maybe it's just out of fear, I don't know.

But I've been looking online and there are some looks that I like. I hope I can try to come up with some inspiration when I go shopping.
Also, it's a very good idea to look for someone who can help me with my 'style'. Thanks!
My T always says I have a great style. I think I do, when it comes to my house and stuff I design, etc. But definitely not my clothes.

I already found some great leather shoes that I feel comfortable with (no heels) and a new leather bag. I'm up for the challenge!

it's definitely a tough boat to be in. I have a hard time on the in between of not too feminine and not to masculine. I wear a lot of female dress shirts with a tanktop underneath and a few buttons unbuttoned. I feel like it's a good mix for me anyway. Other than that. My workplace wants you to wear business casual but it's cold in our building so everyone wears hoodies anyway lol. So no problem in the end anyway.

I decided to be a contractor mainly because of the overtime. Getting paid to work extra is nice and since I don't have much of a social life or pattern it's nice to be busy and making money. Makes me feel productive lol.

Best of luck!