As some of you know, I am on disability for mental health and do not work. However, I am a very bright person who could definitely work! I want to work and that is my goal. A lot of it is anxiety and fear. And ambivalence. I experience a lot of ambivalence about directions I could go with career, and interest. I will not give up on my goal of work and supporting myself though. Not until the day I bite the dust, Lol.

This thread is meant for me as a way to work out my thoughts and feelings, as a diary to look back on and document. If anyone wants to come in a give advice or support I'm open to that too. I'm also open to suggestion here. I do not completely know what I'm doing, and an outside perspective could help.

I have a 3 month plan, from now until December 1st: I will explore my interests (volunteer in subjects that interest me, conduct informational interviews, take class(es)), mingle with my fears (and talk about them revolving around work with my t), face my ambivalence (even if that means just picking a direction and living with the uncertainty and anxiety of coming off the fence), I will focus on cultivating discipline too.

Ok I guess thats it for now. It's also important that I take care of myself. I cannot always obsess about this. It's not healthy. But I think daily goals are good.

I have a tentative format: "Today, how did I...explore my job interests? make a commitment and stick with it? face my fears? face my ambivalence? Work on my self esteem and lift myself up? lift others up? Career inspiration (information I have found online and found helpful)."

See you tomorrow.

Good for you! Keep at it. Sounds like you have a good plan and a daily commitment to it will see it through. ❤️

Originally Posted by Sisabel

Good for you! Keep at it. Sounds like you have a good plan and a daily commitment to it will see it through. ❤️

Thanks Sisabel! Looking at this, a couple hours later, I'm having mixed feelings about having put this up. But I think I will try it out here, at least, and see how it goes.

I am feeling more relaxed now. I spoke with a good friend about what I'm going through. And she was so awesome.

Originally Posted by KnitChick

Thanks Sisabel! Looking at this, a couple hours later, I'm having mixed feelings about having put this up. But I think I will try it out here, at least, and see how it goes.

I am feeling more relaxed now. I spoke with a good friend about what I'm going through. And she was so awesome.

I do this all the time. I’m always hesitant to put my personal thoughts out in the open. But this is a good plan and maybe you felt that putting it in writing would help organize your thoughts and get your plan in action.

Originally Posted by Sisabel

I do this all the time. I’m always hesitant to put my personal thoughts out in the open. But this is a good plan and maybe you felt that putting it in writing would help organize your thoughts and get your plan in action.

Thanks, yeah I did think that.

[Deejay14]

Knit, I thought I was never going back to work and then...the perfect opportunity showed up in every way and I got the job. Keep believing, because that perfect opportunity might show up for you. One month ago never thought I would in my wildest dreams have a job!

Originally Posted by Deejay14

Knit, I thought I was never going back to work and then...the perfect opportunity showed up in every way and I got the job. Keep believing, because that perfect opportunity might show up for you. One month ago never thought I would in my wildest dreams have a job!

Thanks for the encouragement, Deejay!

Today, how did I...

Explore my job interests? I met with supported ed. today. I will be choosing between a language class, and a science class.

Make a commitment and stick with it? I volunteered at the nursing home today.

Face my fears? Hmm...I volunteered even though I was a little nervous.

face my ambivalence? I talked to someone about my ambivalence.

Work on my self esteem and lift myself up? I do not really take crap from people anymore. I block people who are hurtful and who don't care.

lift others up? Oh I smiled at so many old people today.

Career inspiration: Maybe ambivalence can't be resolved

I will just post in here when I feel up to it. Something feels "off" about posting here everyday. I don't even want to be on PC everyday, lol. No offense. I will journal more in depth on my own time. Thanks.

Originally Posted by KnitChick

I will just post in here when I feel up to it. Something feels "off" about posting here everyday. I don't even want to be on PC everyday, lol. No offense. I will journal more in depth on my own time. Thanks.

Best of luck on your job search. Keep at it and you will find a good job. ❤️

Thank you Sisabel!

Today, how did I...

Explore my job interests? Today is a me day. I did decide to take a biology class online, instead of a French class in rl. I just have to tell supported ed., and start the class. The idea of going to school for physical therapy has been swimming around in my head lately too. I can contact someone / a school about that.

Make a commitment and stick with it? I volunteered yesterday and I told one of my supervisors I'd be there next week for 3 days in a row.

Face my fears? I've been emotionally overwhelmed lately, and I have not faced my fears since Tuesday. However, yesterday I was feeling crummy, but I went to my appt., and volunteered anyway, and I was glad I did.

Face my ambivalence? I made a choice about which class to take.

Work on my self esteem and lift myself up? I wrote an email to a friend. It was helpful to me to write and made me feel good. I also am reading a book that I enjoy. I am also learning how to make embroidery!

lift others up? I have been quite solo today. I said some supportive things on PC though.

Career inspiration: I don't really have any links that I found online, but I'm inspired by the idea of becoming a p.t.a. I also have been reading a book on dating, and the author is a student of buddhism. I really miss being a student of buddhism. I have really been lax on that lately. I used to aim to meditate every morning, and I used to read about / study buddhism. I really miss it and feel inspired to begin again.

I am a mess today in terms of work stuff. I quit my volunteer gig at the nursing home. I posted about it in the Coping With Emotions Forum.

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by KnitChick

I am a mess today in terms of work stuff. I quit my volunteer gig at the nursing home. I posted about it in the Coping With Emotions Forum.

How many days per week were you volunteering? Maybe you are trying too much too fast?

Seesaw

Originally Posted by seesaw

How many days per week were you volunteering? Maybe you are trying too much too fast?

Seesaw

Thanks Seesaw. Maybe. I was going to be doing three days in a row this week. It's also been quite draining on me, I'd noticed. I do think I wanted to speed things up. But I quit today. And I don't want to go back and forth. I feel ok with my decision, despite the fact that I also feel hard on myself.

[Deejay14]

Knit, I don't know how long you volunteered for but I can tell you it has taken me a solid month to get used to working 4 hours every other day after 3 years of being out of the work force. For 2.5 weeks I was absolutely exhausted and highly stressed. This week the fatigued an anxiety were noticeably better. I seriously underestimated the physical, mental and emotional stress of just working 12 hours a week. Be gentle on yourself and maybe ease into it slower if you elect to try again.

Originally Posted by Deejay14

Knit, I don't know how long you volunteered for but I can tell you it has taken me a solid month to get used to working 4 hours every other day after 3 years of being out of the work force. For 2.5 weeks I was absolutely exhausted and highly stressed. This week the fatigued an anxiety were noticeably better. I seriously underestimated the physical, mental and emotional stress of just working 12 hours a week. Be gentle on yourself and maybe ease into it slower if you elect to try again.

Deejay, I really appreciate this perspective. Thank you. While I am too embarrassed to go back and say I want to come back (I think it was frustrating for supervisor today and maybe other people, bc they were counting on me, don't know, but I'm too embarrassed), and also I'm not sure thats what I want, It helps to hear you say all that about taking it slow. I do think I was going too fast. Especially with this particular activity. I will remember this for the future.

I’m sorry you’ve had a rough week. Don’t be embarrassed though. You’re bound to make mistakes or misjudge situations, overestimate your abilities, overcommit yourself.... we all do those things. Keep at it. ❤️

So, I have been getting career counseling. I am going to be taking a foreign language class starting tomorrow, as part of my career exploration. My career counselor and supported ed counselor (same person) said that if I really want to work (and I do), I will have to manage my emotions on the job so that if I am having a bad day, emotionally, or otherwise, I can stay at my job and not leave. I will have emotion regulation skills. I will be able to deal. This is why I'm taking DBT group.

I am going to be going to my local office of employment with a friend, who is also looking for a job, next week sometime. I have anxiety about going, because I know someone who works there, and we were friends at one time. When I was 29 and he was in his late 40s, I threw myself at him when I was going through a hard break up. But I am going to go. I will figure out a plan on how to deal, beforehand.

I would really appreciate people refraining from saying "you're not ready to work." I find that very discouraging and not helpful or accurate. I want to see how it goes. I'm not getting some full time job. I will still be on disability when I work. I will ease in to it. I anticipate road bumps and pot holes. I'm ok with this.

I realized too, that I have a lot of people in my life, who are not supportive in the way I need them to be about my work situation. Many people are silent. Others say "Take your time." I HAVE been. I have not worked in 5 years and I am ready. It makes me feel like people don't believe in me when they say things like that. Or are silent. Or say "well, you don't have to figure it out today." My mother says that like clockwork. Every. time. I broach the subject. I guess I am just looking for more positive encouragement from people. I wish people in my life could give me that. I made a Facebook post. Maybe its just all in asking. I do not talk about work there at all, but decided to disclose a little today.

I do think this is a good time to experiment with jobs. I can see where I'm at with my DBT progress. And it may be a case of good fit vs bad fit too. The nursing home was a bad fit. I also have a feeling, that if it was a job I was getting paid for, I may have been able to stick with it.

Thanks for listening.

Today I asked someone to come with my to the employment office for orientation. I need moral support and it may help with my anxiety. They said Yes. Whenever I would like.

[happysobercrafter]

Honey, good for you on facing your anxieties and you keep moving forward! It sounds like you are pacing yourself, too!!

I went to my local office of employment on Monday. It went really well. I was going to have someone come with me, but ended up going by myself. I was just so happy it turned out well. I'm going to start to apply to places next week as well as meet with a worker I now have through there.

I am still taking my community language class. I am thinking about taking a biology class through my community college in the spring.

[happysobercrafter]

Originally Posted by KnitChick

I went to my local office of employment on Monday. It went really well. I was going to have someone come with me, but ended up going by myself. I was just so happy it turned out well. I'm going to start to apply to places next week as well as meet with a worker I now have through there.

I am still taking my community language class. I am thinking about taking a biology class through my community college in the spring.

Good for you!!! Forgive me, I can't quite recall which language your class is in. Is it French?

Thanks HappyCrafter. It's not French, though I was thinking about it. I decided not to say which specific language I'm learning. Thanks.

[downandlonely]

Sounds like things are going well KnitChick