Trying not to feel like a failure

I am trying hard not to feel like I am failing career-wise. In the past, I managed to keep jobs for quite a while, even get promotions.

However, since 2012 when I was laid off from a job due to a change in how the company did business, it has been tough. I did various freelance things for a while. Sometimes I did fine, other periods were pretty rough.

In 2016 I took a job with a new company that someone I freelanced for was starting. Working for him on certain freelance things was fine. But, when I started working with him more permanently, and he had all the stress of trying to get a business of the ground, it was something else. He had serious anger management issues, he put me in some really uncomfortable positions with clients, gaslighted me, etc. After I started having panic attacks, when I’d been there for a year and a half, I quit for my own mental health.

I was unemployed for 6 months and took a position at my present company, which was freelance and then became full-time. That started off okay. My boss was always kind of weird but seemed happy with my work. But, things have gotten really toxic in the last months. She is constantly playing favorites, I feel like last month I was completely sabotaged and I am being nitpicked over things that before were okay or that I was even told to do by the editor. More on that here: https://forums.psychcentral.com/work...anagement.html . She wants a meeting with me to discuss my supposed lower performance and I think it is a step towards firing me. If I am fired I will get two months’ salary as severance, at least. If I quit, which she is probably trying to get me to do, I get only vacation pay and a small unemployment account. I’ve seen it before, she suddenly decides she doesn’t want someone around, and does what she can to get them to leave.

I am trying not to feel like I am a failure for two jobs not working out, but it is hard. Thinking logically, I know that in both situations, management is poor and turnover is extremely high. At the place where I worked starting in 2016 only one person that started with the company is still there. Many positions have had 3-4 people cycle through. In my current department, in the year and a half I’ve been there 11 people have quit or been fired in an 8-person department. So, I shouldn’t take it personally, but some days it is so hard. I just feel so discouraged. It was hard to even get out of bed this morning and I cry before I start working because I don’t want to even deal with my boss.

(((Rechu)))

You are not a failure. And for the record, stay until you're fired or get a new job. Just better financially.

Do you remember just a little over a year ago I was pushed out and fired. And I felt like a total failure too. That was my first job back after being on SSDI for 18 months, and I was trying SO hard to make things work at that old company. But the disgusting toxic, hostile, discriminatory work environment just won over my attempts to make things work.

You know (and I know because I talk to you all the time) that you are doing everything you can to meet these unreasonable demands and that this manager is being unfair. I think all you can do is continue to remind yourself that this whole thing has nothing to do with your work quality or ability. You have the evidence right in front of you, with them firing 11 people in 18 months (holy ****) and other people quitting as soon as they start. Remember the end game. You know you are looking for a new employment situation, and you only have to hold on until they fire you. Think of it as a game of chess and less of something with an emotional stake.

I understand not wanting to deal with people and hating going to work. I've been there. I worked so hard at my last job and hoped that, even though I hated it every day, that I could somehow turn it around or do something to make others happy. Fact is, we can't make others happy. We have no control over how they feel. Best you can do is detach yourself from it emotionally and try to take your self-worth and esteem from some other area of your life....which I know is difficult for women like us.

(((HUGS)))

I agree with seesaws, stay until something else comes along


You deserve better than you're being treated

I typed up a slightly longer response but my stupid computer deleted it when I tried to start a new paragraph

(not that you'll need it, rechu

I am sorry the situation has come to be this way

I just wanted to say you are a very strong person. I am not saying that as a generalized supportive statement, I am saying that because I genuinely believe I would not be able to handle what you are going through. So from my perspective, you are staying very strong...

You are not a failure. Don't cloud your judgement or try to justify negativity with "buts". I noticed you said "I shouldn't take it personally, BUT... and I don't want to feel like a failure, BUT...."

Your accomplishments are so much more important than any reason you can add after that "but" to justify why you think you should feel like a failure. Fear of failure is what keeps people hinged in work environments that make them miserable. They put success before happiness and forget The ultimate success is finding happiness..

As for saying you shouldnt take it personally, you shouldn't. No buts about it (lol). Don't second guess yourself.

In your text I feel that you speak from a part of you that is rooted in logic, experience, and understanding... and another part of you that is rooted in worry, doubts, and fear. You musn't draw your energy from the latter.

I wanted to say thanks so much for your responses. It helped me feel a bit better. It definitely is a battle between logic and emotions for me.

I guess I also sort of wonder if it is me that is the common denominator or the managers I have had. But then I think of all the people that have come and gone, and it feels like it is more management.

The only other researcher who has been with the company for over a year besides me told me something interesting yesterday. We had four or five, I sort of lose count these days, new researchers start recently. According to her, they are already asking why there are so many new people/why people don’t last and are extremely nervous about making the numerical targets. They get some leeway after the first few months but by the third month, they are supposed to meet the targets. I wonder who will be the first in this group to quit or be fired. You know it’s coming!

I so sort of fear that in the Thursday meeting, she will say I need to go back to the office and not be able to work from home. I am going to try and make the case that it will be even worse for my concentration and work quality. From home I’m always connected and answer any of her e-mails and instant messages quickly, so she can’t make the case that I’m not working. I’ve worked from home for many years and the noise of the open plan office is so distracting for me. I hate it.

Plus, my husband and I rescued a puppy several months ago. I am not sure how he would handle being without me all day. I’d probably have to crate him, which breaks my heart. I didn’t rescue him to keep him in a crate all day.

I came across this article today. It describes my current boss perfectly.

Bad Boss? Here's How To Tell Whether The Problem Is Them — Or Actually You | Fairygodboss


1. An abusive boss does not respect his or her employees.

This sounds obvious enough, but a bad boss does not respect his or her employees. How will you know if your boss doesn’t respect you and the people who work with you? There are a few different ways to tell, including:

• They don’t devote any time to your professional growth;
• They are immediately dismissive of your ideas or insights;
• They focus solely on weaknesses without any constructive feedback;
• They intentionally tear down your confidence and make you question your fitness as a worker;
• They downplay your strengths or deny them altogether.

No wonder I get those feeling of doubts when I am dealing with those behaviors constantly.

Ug, my last boss did all of those things.

Ugh, same here!
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So, I found that there is a job opening for a reporter. It's the energy industry, which I've dealt with a bit, but not as much as others. However, I want to at least apply.

The last time a reporting position was open, our boss mentioned it and said we were welcome to apply, just let her know. For whatever reason, this time she didn't say a thing. I was looking around at job ads and saw it. Kind of weird. I feel it kind of fits with the first thing on the list I posted above. She seems to want to keep peoole down, just producing like robots with no development professionally.

I know who was doing the hiring the last time there was a reporting position open. He's a nice guy, from the US like me. I have to go to that meeting tomorrow so I asked him if he had a few minutes to speak to me. I want to get a feel if it is worth applying for before I do it. He said no problem. I figure I at least need to try for this.

My boss will probably badmouth me to him if I apply. But, no one in the office seems to like her and I'm sure he and others have seen how many people have come and gone in the department.

Of course if I get interviewed, I will go the, "I want to explore new opportunites after a year and a half in this position", and be careful to not badmouth my boss.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I have a bad work environment as well and it’s just not healthy.

It seems that the good workers get the pressure and accountability while slackers just slack. That has been my observation and experience.

I hope you’re able to move to another position and get out of there. If you get fired then take the unemployment and hopefully something better comes along. That’s a tough spot to be in though and I imagine it’s an ugly feeling too.

Does anybody ever contact your HR department about all this nonsense? Sometimes it helps to contact HR at the company I work for but not always.

Best of luck to you. I’m so sorry. ❤️

Thanks Sisabel. I remember reading about your work problems and it sounds very similar to what I am dealing with.

Unfortunately, as far as I have seen, HR is pretty worthless. No one either in upper management or HR seems to question why people in our department never stick around very long. My husband thinks it might be by design, that way they don't have to give people raises!


I was calculating, and if I do get severance, plus vacation time and the unemployment, it would be nearly 4 months salary, and I do have some freelance income coming in. So, it's not the end of the world. But, apart from one crappy restaurant job in college, I've never been fired from a job, and that sort of bothers me. I've been laid off before due to downsizing or a change in the company's focus, but never fired for performance.

I was reading a few of those sites where people can rate employers. There are a lot of complaints about the same issues I am having. I am sure some of those are directed towards my boss! In one case, it was clear they were talking about her, and it was not favorable. I think I know who wrote that one. He quit shortly after I started!


Oops, for some reason I got my timeline wrong, I started the job I quit in 2015, that lasted until April 2016. Then I took the freelance poisition with the current company in late 2016 and was offered a permanent job in early 2017.

Well, in the end things went better than expected.

On Wednesday, I was asked to help with something our sales department needed to show to a client very last minute. I was able to do it, and they are very close to closing the sale in part because of that, so everyone was very happy with that.

We had our regular meeting and then I met privately with the boss. Somehow, despite the editing chaos, I still surpassed the minimum and had no serious errors, which was good.

She thanked me for all my work and said I am important for the team. It was strange to hear her talk like that. I mean if she did that more often, morale would be better, some people that quit may have stayed, etc.

The one negative was that she did notice me making some minor careless errors, which surprised her, since I normally don’t do that. She asked if something was going on, if I had been under a lot of stress or something. It is true, I have. Part is the work stuff but there are also some issues going on with my parents back in my home country. So, I did say that I had been worried about not making the numbers, the editing problems and that I was also dealing with some personal stuff, and that I am trying to handle in a better way.

Maybe they put a human chip in her yesterday? Ha! She said if there was any way she could help, let her know. I don’t really think I’ll take her up on that, but she at least was making an effort to be nicer. The good thing is she didn’t say I need to go back to the office full-time. She mentioned that if I want, I could go in a few half days or days a month, to socialize a bit and get a change of scene. I am thinking it’s not a bad idea for maybe 2 mornings a month. The puppy can handle a half day at home.

They are also starting a bonus program. The goal to get the bonus is sort of high, but maybe I can make it; the money would be nice. We’ll see, but maybe they are finally realizing that they need to treat people better to retain them.

I did talk with the guy in the press department about the position opening. I don’t think I will apply. The sector doesn’t interest me so much and it I would have mainly done it because I thought my current job is at risk. I don’t think I am in the right space mentally for the learning curve that would be required, and if I can’t hack it then I really would be unemployed.

I sent in some samples for that freelance writing job, but I don’t know if I will take it either if offered. It’s pretty much contingent on also having steady translations from my friend’s company too, and that’s been put on hold for the meantime.

Everyone feels like a failure. Millionaires feel like failures.

I certainly feel like a failure.

It's yet another mental health problem that comes from comparison.

Rechu! Such good news. Sorry you had to fret over it. I had a good feeling for the outcome, though.

I loved the part about inserting a "human chip" ha ha.

((Hugs))

I wonder if your hubby is right about the high turnover being by design. I have also noticed people with less education are often promoted first and I have a theory about that. Those people can be paid less and the company can own them, so to speak. Since they aren’t really qualified for their jobs. So there’s horrible leadership and high turnover. All to save the bottom line. No wonder so many people hate their jobs.

I do kind of wonder what my boss' background is. I think she started out as a researcher in mining and I guess the team leader position opened up and maybe she'd been there longer than others, or they just thought it was easier to promote her than post ads/interview, etc., so they just promoted her.

I get the impression that this is her first time as a supervisor and maybe she is not prepared for that side of things. Plus, she often doesn't seem to like dealing with people much, which is not a good characteristic for a manager.

I'm glad it went better than expected.

Well this has me kind of pissed off, although I guess I shouldn't be surprised. The main editor is on vacation for the next few weeks. Our boss just announced she asked her two little favorites to help with editing. I was not even asked, despite being a native English speaker (part of the editing process is translating to English) and having actual editing experience (from what I understand neither of them do). F wasn't asked either.

I'm just trying to keep calm. I'm focusing on the fact that it's Friday and on the goal that my husband and I have of buying a house soon, which will be easier if I keep this job. We had a good discussion about the subject the other day and are getting close to looking seriously. So, I really just need to try and ignore the drama and bs and do my work.

Think of it this way: helping out with the editing would just be more work to do and you'd have to deal with the boss more. You actually dodged a bullet!

Ha, yeah, seesaw, you do have a point. I'd probably have to deal with my boss more if I were editing. It am saved from that!

Here ,here .
A good post ( short posts are good posts ) but very perceptive . The internet increases our opportunity for comparison , and generally it's not a level playing field as we are comparing ourselves to a fantasy which mostly doesnt exist and is edited to look a whole lot better than it is .

Well, I am feeling more vindicated as far as that job I quit.

I recently got a call from the sales manager at the company. She was basically the owner's minion and I thought she'd never leave. She's the only one that was with the company when it started to still work there (apart from the owner, of course).

I was surprised to hear from her. It turns out that she is applying for jobs and a company asked for a version of her resume in English. She wanted to hire me to help her with that. So, basically she wants to jump ship too. I agreed to do it. It only took a few hours and she paid me the same day, which was nice. A bit of extra money is alway welcome.

He is going to completely freak out when she finds another job and gives her notice! He took me quitting very poorly, but this is going to be much worse.

Well the monthly meeting with my boss did not go well. Again I got crap for my numbers, even though 25! (almost half my monthly production) of my projects weren't edited. I didn't have any carryover from last month, as happens sometimes and helps the numbers.


She said if I don't get the stats up she may have to consider me coming back to the office to work. It is just such crap. Supposedly, my production was better when I worked in the office. That's not even true! I only ever worked my first 3 months in the office, and I was just getting up to speed, so they were lower. Everyone has lower production at first.

And, she also threatened my co-worker F with firing again today. F does good work but she is in one of the more difficult sectors like me and it can be hard to hit the targets. Our boss is in rare form.

And to make it all worse, both of us are stuck on new projects for the foreseeable future. Supposedly we switch between new and updates at the start of the month. In the calculations, one new project equals 1.6 updates, when it is really a lot more work to do a new project than an update. I'd say on average 2-3 times. So, we are both screwed in that respect. We've both been doing new projects for 2.5 months!! I kind of think she did this intentionally since she doesn't like us.


So frustrating . . .

Ugh. Another monthly meeting. Again the people that can do 10-50 projects by just cutting and pasting the exact same information from press releases were praised, while those that had lower numbers, because we can’t do that were made to feel like crap, and were raked over the coals. They have started giving bonuses and of course the people that get bonuses are the ones that can work like that. The rest of us actually have to investigate and think and we get nothing.

And after work I met with a co-worker who works in the office. She told me of some pretty underhanded things that a few people of those who got bonuses do to pad their numbers. Our boss is not receptive to hearing about it or changing it.

I am beyond sick of this. Unfortunately, I need to stick it out because we desperately need to buy a house and move out of an awful living situation. I am beyond stressed out by all of this.

((((rechu)))) I'm sorry you're struggling so badly at work. Let's hope you can buy that house soon.