[splitimage]

I relapsed again, and in a big way. I went on a four day bender. I even called in sick last thurs and fri so I could stay home and drink. then I drank this morning, so I went into work drunk. Thank God my boss didn't notice. I didn't eat. I didn't take my meds, so now on top of coming off the drink, I'm also dealing with heavy duty meds withdrawl. I know I drove drunk to restock. It was stupid and dangerous. Frankly I'm lucky I didn't kill myself. I know drinking is seriously bad for me and this time, I risked my health my job and killing someone. I don't know why I can't just get it and stay stopped. It's like part of me likes the chaos, and wants to mess up my life just as it's getting good. I have a self destructive streak a mile wide and if it's not acting out in one way it's another. I know this latest episode was at least partly triggered by something that came up in T last week, but seriously I know I can't drink. But obviously I'm getting something out of it, as I keep going back to it.

I am seriously pissed off at myself. I am not looking forward to calling my sponsor and telling her, and I don't know how I'm going to tell my addictions Dr.

And to top it all off I feel like serious hell.

No need for support - what I could use is a few good kicks up the rear for realities sake.

---spliitmage

[notz]

 I am not looking forward to calling my 
sponsor and telling her, and I don't know how 
I'm going to tell my addictions Dr.

You will do what you need to do. You can't afford not to.

What happened? You were doing so well...top of the world...at the convention and everything. What happened? What precipitated this relapse? Why?

[Capp]

splitimage,
How are you today?

Jme, but it took several attempts for me to get clean and sober.
Each time I went back to drinking/using, though, a little part of me died...
Any self-esteem I had built up began fading again
Self hatred starting growing 'cause I was "watering" it
Tremendous shame battered my heart
I would accept, in a vague sort of way, the encouragements of those trying to help me
So;
I would relapse again...
payoff? probably the attention and my excuses were valid in my mind.
Being confronted royally POd me

In no way am I implying this is true of you. It is jme

Hit My Bottom? I hate those words...it was an accepted way of saying I had screwed up and was paying the price and
TS if I was moaning and groaning
Again, jme

The other side of that was the total surprise to me that some folks had not given up on me.
However, they were very blunt in asking what kind of flowers I wanted at my funeral.
Everything collapsed; my denial, my toughness, Not My Desire to stop as I wanted to sip and be all right...

Jail and being seriously ill then detox was my wake up call.

Choices, choices

Cap

[coralproper]

you are cognisant...thats all that matters...

[splitimage]

Thanks everybody - I'm feeling marginally more human today (Thurs). I called my sponsor yesterday - she was supportive, with the usual caveat that I'd wished i'd called her before picking up (famous sponsor words). I saw my addictions Dr. today - that was hard. She intimidates me, and I hate letting her down, but she was good on strategies for getting through the next few days. I'm going to a meeting tonight.

I also called my pdoc at my addictions dr urging. Addictions dr. was worried that I was also cutting and that I was still feeling sort of su. My pdoc was good - she helped me work out a plan for getting back on my meds (I'd stopped taking them when I was drinking - which just left me with psych drug withdrawl on top of alcohol withdrawl.

I honestly don't know why I keep doing this. I've had several hard bottoms already - yet I seem to have this self destructive streak that makes me forget how bad it was.

One thing positive I did was I leveled with my boss at work. I told her that I was an alcoholic, that I'd relapsed, and that I'd been drinking and was too sick to come in yesterday. She was great, really supportive. But I feel now like I have that extra level of accountability, so that I can't just call in sick on a whim. Plus I don't dare lose this job so I can't afford any more screw=ups.

I'm going to a meeting tonight, and I guess it's time for another step one.

--splitimage

[coralproper]

you'll be fine

[idontknow13]

I will tell you what my dad (AA member) told me a long time ago, ok you did not call your sponsor before picking up that drink but you did the next best thing, you called her right after.
Be good to yourself and one day at a time It works!

[Capp]

splitimage,
thank you for updating us...
I am sincerely glad you are going to the meeting, and I applaud your honesty with your sponsor, physicians, and boss.

My previous post was not meant to be harsh. I hope you saw the "jme"
Sharing my experiences is not easy to do. It's done with hope that someone/anyone struggling will hesitate before picking up that drink. Two seconds of remembering the shame and anguish that another alcoholic shared here/at a meeting may be enough of a delay...it is worth it to me to share what it was like...and what it can be like.

You can do this

Cap

[notz]

Splitimage,

It's good that you're doing the things you need to do. I only want the best for you - We only want the best for you. You're a good person and you deserve to be happy. Please, hang in there.

[splitimage]

Capp - Just wanted to say that thanks and no I didn't read your posts as too harsh. Your honest, I appreciate that and your being willing to share.

And Notz, I really appreciate your support.

Thought I could share something at least semi amusing out of the situation. I had yesterday off (booked weeks ago and my boss let me still take it.) to go to a spa for the day. After the last couple of weeks I really needed it. But the lady who was doing my facial looked at me and said "Boy your skin is really dry - I don't think I've ever seen skin this dry before, I'm going to give you our most hydrating masque." I'll I could think of (not that I said it) was "well yes - drinking for 6 days straight does tend to dry out one's skin. At least my sense of humour is comming back.

--splitimage

[notz]

rotfl
;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

[madisgram]

spliotimage....how are you doing? hope things are back on track. sorry i was not online for a few and just saw your post.

[Raynaadi]

(((((( Splitimage ))))))))

I haven't visited in awhile and finally found this forum again. I was scrolling through the topics, heard the subject and my heart sank as I heard that you had posted it. I hope you are doing ok, and are back on the wagon? Thank you for sharing so honestly about this. Can I ask, what were your thoughts leading up to this? How did you decide to go get the alcohol? I mean, was it in your home, or did you consciously decide to go out and get it? I only ask this, because I like to hear people's experiences leading up to a relapse so that I can watch to make sure I'm not in danger myself.

Man, I hope you're ok. I have to say I'm pretty shocked. There are people you just intuitively know are going to drink again, and I just didn't see you as one of them. Please update us and let us know you're ok.

Love you,
Rayna