[Tatyana2009]

I wonder if anyone has some advice:

My bf has a drinking problem. He drinks every evening from about 6pm- normally a beer and 2 glasses of wine, some times more. On weekends this starts at lunch time.

I have posted here before - as I was thinking what do with our relationship and as I was ready to leave. He is very committed to our relationship but refuses to set a wedding date (and I posted about that before). Ever since he was dismissed from work - some 2 months ago - his drinking worsened. Although he was let go with a decent package and early retirement he is very down about it. We also moved house at the same time. As his drinking got worse - he became more and more abusive and controlling (swearing, shouting, calling names and being very angry). It escalated to the point where I left for 5 days telling him it was over between us. (I posted about that too) -but then when I came back we both were so sad and did not want to let go of the other. His kids and ex wife give us hell because we are together and I know he founds it hard but does not want to split up. The kids almost stopped coming to our house completely now as they keep telling him not to marry me. Anyway - on a number of occasions he admitted that he has a drinking problem. Every time he would stop for a few days but then always get back to drinking, which starts with a glass of wine and each night increases. I am actually disgusted whenever I see a glass of wine in his hand.

I have not got much experience with alcoholics as no one in my family is and none of my ex's were. So my question is - is there anything I can say / do that may help / cause him to take positive lasting action? I feel that my relationship is at stake here... his health and both our happiness...

Any thoughts / advice are welcome. T

p.s. we have been living together for over 2 years

My suggestion is for him to be evaluated for alcoholism. It seems apparent he is unable to or at least refuses to stop. If he does not stop, his abusive behavior likely will only get worse. I would not be surprised if he at some point becomes physically abusive too.

Your situation is not a healthy one in my opinion. I doubt he will agree to be evaluated. Alcoholics rarely think they have a problem.

Good luck.

[Tatyana2009]

Hi TheByzantine, thank you for your response. You are right. Its a good idea to get him evaluated. Then an external independent source will assess the situation. I will talk to him about it. He admitted on a number of occasions that he has a drinking problem and the other day we talked about how he cannot do anything in moderation. Its either all or nothing. He agrees with that. He is not able to stop on his own. He is a lovely good man, its such a shame and yes - you are right the situation is not healthy. I am setting my boundaries very clear. For now, it works but I am worried about escelation of his behaviour as you say...

Wishing the best for you and your friend.

[Tatyana2009]

thank you!

[outsider27]

I to have a drinking problem and didn't know where it came from. I realized one day that I drink because I am depressed. Which a lot of men do. It's our way of dealing with reality. I've been laid off from jobs in the past to, it was really hard for me because I also have kids. I laid awake at night wondering how I was going to support my family. The stress would get to me so I would drink. You can't help someone if they don't want help. Sorry thats probably the last thing you wanted to hear, but it's true. I've recently started going to church and that along with the right meds. , and a caring wife I've cut back a lot on my drinking and the next step is to quit. I always tell myself "do you want your kids to have a drinking problem to". If I keep going on this road more then likely my kids will. There is nothing wrong with a drink here and there, it's when the binge drinking comes into play. It's not healthy for him, you or the kids. Good Luck.

[Tatyana2009]

Hi Outsider27,
Thank you for your insight and experience and the kind note. I am pleased you are making a counsious effort to quit drinking! Its very positive and really great. I hope you continue to be strong and responsible this way!
What I am particularly interested in is - you say you realised one day that you drink because you are depressed. How this realisation came about?

[outsider27]

Depression runs in my family. Once I realized the history I started to do research on the web. There is a lot of great sites out there to help you figure out if you or a loved one suffers from depression. Or, you can drag his *** into a doctors office. Once you are awake to the problem its easier to realize why people do what they do. Good Luck!!!!!!

[Tatyana2009]

Thank you outsider! I suspected he is depressed for a while... he probably is. He used to be clinically depressed about 2 years ago - and was perscribed anti depressions. It seems to me that every time there is a major change in his life he reacts with depression. It is better now but still... I will talk to him about that.

I hope you are feeling better xx

[outsider27]

Just remember tread lightly. Even as a male it's a sensitive issue. Lots of listening. Open arms , open heart !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Tatyana2009]

Thank you!! Its very difficult to talk about that without sounding 'accusatory' or 'confrontational'. I am here to support him of course and want the best for both of us. He gets defensive very easily...

[outsider27]

I'm the same way. It's not you though. Just remember that!! He needs to realize that you are there to help him, not to put him down, so just keep reminding him of that.Keep on truckin' it 'll be a long road but if you love someone its worth it!!!!!

[Tatyana2009]

Thanks for the hug! (much needed) and for the reassurance.

You are right of course that if you love someone its worth it - trouble is (for me) - when you draw the line. I can find myself supporting/waiting/hoping for years and nothing will happen. It worries me. That I will be carring at the expense of my own life...

I think I will try to talk to him about the depression and about seeing a dr and not about the drinking. At least for now. I think down deep he knows he has an issue with drinking he just cannot stop on his own and probably does not really want to...

He was aggressive and threatening last night (he looked and sounded drunk) so I rang the domestic violence officer today and she mentioned visiting the dr and talking about the depression rather than the drinking.

I guess its very hard for me to talk softly and with concern and care when he is agressive and insulting...

After growing up with an alcoholic father who was violent, my concern is for your safety. Love did not stop my dad from hitting me.

[Tatyana2009]

I appreciate that. I am worried that the verbal abuse will escalate to physical abuse. At least he was not drinking today... I will have to call the police if I see he is getting worse. I am grateful that you all care about my safety. It feels nice. I grew up in a chaotic environment where I often felt my safety was not a priority...

I am so sorry about your childhood TheByz. Its must have been so hard to grow up with an alcoholic abusive father. I hope you are finding/found your way to healing.

[Grithnir]

I just dealth with a final exiting of an alcoholic that I had in my life. It felt good for me to finally say enough. He was sober for two years, realized he had a problem but all the sudden grabbed alcohol like it was his best and only friend. He went from being a good person to a very bad person in an hour and I handed him to a group home to sort out his problems. I was lucky there was no physical abuse and that he ended up being cooperative. I am not letting him in my home for a long time, until he puts together his life for himself. I showed him the ropes and I made him accountable but he betrayed my trust with alcohol and like I said it was his best friend. His addiction is severe, very severe. He sobered up at the group home and is on talking terms with me. I didn't drink the whole time he was living with me except at my family dinners not at my home. Now I have wine, and got permission to take a glass every three to four days, without it interfering with my medications and I feel better. I know it won't escalate into a problem, though I was depressed, I am getting better and needed to change my mind with the use of alcohol, and it's over. I have no problems saying no to it. After that situation I dealt with for a few years I can say I am not a professional and therefore not equipped to help an alcoholic. I will be moving into a one bedroom apartment and was lucky to find a roommate for the time being, but I just am not doing anymore relationships and fulfilling what the therapists I have had always tell me, be independent, live on your own and take care of yourself. I am still getting over this situation though, but those are my final thoughts on that relationship I had with an alcoholic.

[Tatyana2009]

I am sorry you went through that. Is this 'person' out of your life completely now?

[Grithnir]

Well no, I agreed to offer communication and emotional support if he is willing to bridge that gap with me. It was a rough situation at times and I feel bad, but I didn't kick him out to the streets and he was able to move into a group home very quickly so it somehow worked out, but he has to find his own independence and sadly through all we went through I won't take any blame if I find that he was kicked out for misbehavior or alcohol use and will not take him back.

[Perna]

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases...0708104521.htm

[Tatyana2009]

Thank you Perna! Interesting and intuitively I knew that depression will kick in. However - I think he drinks because he is depressed....

[englishteacher]

Tatyana,

Please take care of yourself FIRST! It is surely great for bf that he has you, but don't let him make his problems your problems. I can't offer much more than a cyber-ear, but I'm here. BIG HUG! Hang in there.

[Tatyana2009]

Thanks a lot ETeacher!

Its good to be reminded.

A cyber ear is appreciated. I feel so burdonned... cant think of another way to describe it... I cannot believe all this time and effort has been in vain. I feel like kicking him so hard (and I am not a violent person). All sort of thoughts going through my mind- maybe he just played with me all long and bought time...

I keep saying to myself that he is not worth it or me if he can just throw it all away and let me go. But I am 35 and been with him since I was 28 and I am just damn angry. Of course I am sad too.

I am thinking about all the stuff I have to do now - look for another property, pack everything, etc on top of sorting my career out which has been affected by him... (I lost my last client because I could not take the pressure of it all).

And for what? And you know, he is asleep snoring like it all just does not matter to him...

((((((( Tatyana2009 ))))))))

[Tatyana2009]

Thank you TheByz. Much needed dear!!!

[Tatyana2009]

So - I am feeling a bit better now and sorting out a plan for the future. Its hard to let all my hopes go and think of a future without him but I cannot see a future with him anymore and just want to be happy and live in peace.

After he told me on Monday that it was over (and thank you everyone for the support!!!) and it was hard for me... He now says he never said that and I am inventing. He was nice for a few days and I ignored it. He was crying last night in bed (I ignored it) and he is ill (caughing, sneezing, goes to the toilet often, and looks very ill). I asked him today to give me a cheque for some money he owes me and then the abuse started again. I am a cow, slag, etc etc... He was shouting and standing over the table... I ignored him and went out of the room. He said 'I dont know why I weep over this you are a slag'.

I feel that I want him to pay (not necessarily money wise) for the abuse and pain. And just feel sad about everything.

I went to the support group on Thuersday and it was good. Very powerful.

Thanks again guys xxx