Went back to AA

My home group meeting. That I've not been to in 8 months. Actually, I've not been to a single AA meeting in 8 months, period!!

I ran into one of the men from the group on the bus, and he said I was missed and people worried how I was doing (I did drop off the face of the map, but they DO have my number so they couldve called ) ... so I went back tonight.

I really missed it.

I'm still struggling with trying to figure out whether or not I'm an alcoholic. I mean, I used alcohol inappropriately, yes. But I didn't become physiologically addicted. I DO have an addictive personality so I was addicted to it psychologically though...

I really miss it some days... other days, not so much.

I got the phone number of one of the nicest members in the group (he's awesome) so I have someone to call so I don't "isolate" again and drop off the face of the map.

I think I'm incorporating the weekly meeting back into my schedule. On top of the Al-Anon meeting I already attend on Wednesdays. At least AA will help me to have GOOD reasons to not drink! (Hearing peoples stories about what they've done or lost while intoxicated is sometimes amusing, sometimes sad, and sometimes really frightening!)

... Now if only I could find myself a sponsor, who could deal with all of the different parts of me - as a victim of abuse, an adult child of an alcoholic, a child of a dysfunctional family and one who uses bad coping mechanisms to deal with crap.

The scary thing about your list here is that there aren't many people that exist that don't share your same list these days.

I am so glad you found your way back to having that support in your life. It's important to have support of some kind to make sure you hold yourself accountable for your actions. When we have someone in our life that makes us feel like we have to be accountable for the things we do, it helps keep us much more honest about everything.

I know that feeling of dropping off the fact of the earth also.....there are times when I get so involved in the things I HAVE to do, that I don't have time for the things that aren't "HAVE TO's" until I feel it ends up becoming more important in my life. Always working on my priorities....they change seasonally.

I was lucky with drinking.....It would make me so sick that it wasn't anything I wanted to do.....then when I ended up with migraines, it was really out of the question.......I have wines that have been in my refrig for years.....all my alcolhol is used for now is to cook with......make a mean burbon BBQ sauce......yumm on the pulled pork......but cooking alcolhol cooks out everything except the flavor.....so nothing bad comes of that.

Glad you are making sure your checks & balances are in place in your life.....this is a very good & responsible thing to do......& it's so important to keep the responsible actions as our priorities.

Very proud of you.....

You did it, funny that because I havent been to a home meeting in months but for other reasons. I did remain sober though throughout amd thought I can do this on my own I dont need no sillly NA to keep me from abstaining. So it went fine until a forthnight ago and I got these overpowering cravings for some cociane. Fortunately I dont know any dealers here in Amsterdam, but so overwhelming was it, I was about to take flight to Dublin and meet up with some old wayward friends. I knew it was wrong, I knew I was in trouble so with great trepidation and despair I phoned one of the Guys from and it was unbelievable, it was as if I had just lft him after a meeting. No probing questions, just talk about the cravings and why I am having them so strong.

SO I am going back to the meetings now, because and I am convinced of this, you cant do it on your own, Christina, you need support. Whether you are an alcoholic or not is between you and your higherpower, but in the meantime I would attend the meetings. One less thing to ponder and worry about and its a great social life too

Yeah the sponsor thing freaks me out a bit I feel well I have a psychotherapist once a week I go to, what on earth do i need a layman to remvoe come character defaults that I am aware of alreaDY?

Sorry Christina I forgot to say ''Keep Coming Back" and hopefully you will

Hey Christina, Glad you decided to give it another whirl. I'm still struggling to get back to meetings after my last relapse - stupid gigantic ego is getting in the way, but I do miss the meetings.

Re you'r comment about other issues and bad coping mechanisms, sorry to break this to you but you're not unique, everyone in AA is messed up to some degree with the issues you describe. Sometimes at open meetings I listen to the speaker and think, well "s***, of course you drank how could you not?"

I have a new sponsor who is absolutely amazing for me precisely because she's not interested in my other issues. She focuses on working the steps with me, period. Yes she lets me whine occassioanlly when my PTSD is flaring up, but she always brings it back to the steps. And that's good for me. In a way it's a relief, I have enough other therapy in my life to deal with my other issues - sometimes I feel overanalyzed. So with my sponsor we just stick to AA basics. And she freaks out over cutting so I jsut don't tell her about it. I've been around AA a few years, and this is the first sponsor I've had how really forces me to keep working the program and it's making a huge difference in how I see things, even if she does piss me off sometimes.

--splitimage

I'm glad I'm not unique actually... it means there's actually hope for me. I'm sick of being "special". Thanks dear

I do need support. Mostly because my friends telling me to "just not drink" ain't helping! (Although they do know about the AA thing). I need to find a meeting with younger people though - it's still awkward being the youngest person at meetings whenever I go!!

Will do Thanks dear one

That's really sad. We've got a messed up world on our hands... Thanks dear eskie

Good luck, Christina86.

((((((christina)))))

You will see a lot old friends there..good for you!!!
wish you the best.

genn

welcome back, Christina...
you posted with honesty and I'm grateful...thank you

Catherine

Went back again tonight.

I think I may have a temporary sponsor... she at least volunteered to be so. Lets see if we can at least work with each other, I'm not an easy person for many to deal with. (I don't try to be hard, I just am)

Good for you, Christina86.

Don't worry, Christina!! No one in AA or NA is easy to deal with! That's why we all relate to each other so well Chances are, whatever you share with your sponsor, she has probably been through something similar, if not the very thing you are sharing. Keep coming back!! Good job

I didn't go to AA this week. Or Al-Anon either. I hate being sick.

I'm terrified to call her and apologize for not being there, we were going to try to meet up to talk so we could get to know each other better. She's a very nice woman - kinda quiet, but nice and I believe she has 10+ years of sobriety which is really good.

I'm scared to call her. If I even can find her phone number amidst the mess of my apartment.

Christina86, it is not your fault for being sick. Call without fear, explain and move on.

Good luck.

Very straightforward, I like that. Thanks you. I'll call her tomorrow and leave a message. Providing I can find her number, I wasn't kidding about the messy apartment!

I'm working with a temporary sponsor, and he is having me call someone in the program EVERY DAY. Ugh, it IS scary. But I am just feeling afraid and doing it anyway...and you know what, it's getting easier. It does help to have a "reason" to call (like "hey, do you know anything about the meeting at X church on Thursday?" or "I missed the meeting because I was sick").

Pretty much, at this point in time, when something in AA feels super scary, THAT is what I am supposed to be doing. Going to a new meeting, sharing while I'm there, calling people...they're ALL scary and they're all the next right thing.

I hope you can find the number