[splitimage]

I'm in very early recovery, and I've had a lot of relapses, so I know it's natural for people to not completely trust me yet. And I know intellectually that people care about me and are only concerned. But I'm getting a little tired of the question "have you been drinking?"

I go to two aftercare groups a week at my treatment center, where at each check in we have to say if we've been absitinant since our last meeting. That's ok - everybody does it. Plus we're subject to random blood and urine screenings - so what's the use in lying.

I also with very mixed feelings go to the same hospital to take my antabuse under supervision. I do this because I have a bad track record of going off it when things get overwhelming and then I drink. I accepted my Dr's suggestion that I take it supervised because I know I don't trust myself to stay on it, and I really want / need to build up a period of sobriety. It's one of thse good things bad thing things that I like and resent at the same time, if that makes any sense.

Most of my friends in AA, if I say anything hasn't been going well, immediately ask me if I've been drinking. Yesterday my sponsor called me and asked how my day was going, and I said I hadn't had a great day as I'd slept most of it (another of my not great coping questions) immediate question - Did you pick up.

I think what really pushed me into the frustration was my best friend who I know cares about me, called me Fri night since she knew it was a tough day for me, and she admitted she was calling to check up on me to make sure I wasn't drinking.

I appreciate that everybody cares about me. And I get that I have to earn back their trust. It just feels kind of frustrating at times.

Anyone else go through this in early recovery & how did you cope?

--splitimage

I would say things like, "Thank you for caring and how is your diet going?".

[paddym22]

Yes Spiltimage I hear what you are saying loud and clear. In my case I had burned so many bridges and I desperately wanted someone to turn around and say Good Job, one day clean, thats an achievement....well or so it seemed to me. I craved approval and justification, and it is so frustrating. But it really is a case of one day at a time, I know it is a well worn phrase, but for me that is as good as it gets and, you know, one day clean is good, it is an achievement.

I had destroyed so many trustworthy relationships that I didnt imagine that anyone would ever believe me again and in a way I feel the shadow of suspicion is always hanging over me. People, from my past life will always know me as 'Out of It'.

I have just had a very difficult weekend. A combination of being ill for a long time that I am still shaking off, a bereavement in recent days
and the visit of an acquaintance from my drug days here to the town I live in this weekend. He called me and we met up and the temptation to just get wasted with him was overwhelming. But I didnt and I wake up today and there is no one to say well done, you did good. Except myself. I am beginning to find it is the relationship that I have with myself that needs the most repair. Until I heal myself it will be very difficult to form trustworthy relationships with anyone else.

I find at times that I am calculating and manipulative which is a direct relationship to my drug days. What is in it for me if I do something for someone else, its kind of like a transaction, I must be rewarded for anything I do for other people. But truth be told I know that until I trust myself no one will trust me.

Here is something a nice friend of mine has on his Facebook profile that has helped me in recent days...........

Great things come to those who know what they want and have the patience to understand that the world might not be ready just yet!
Stop searching for peace and happiness, it's already there, inside of you, just waiting for you to discover it anew!


I hope that helps you a little. I am arond and about if you need to sound off, PM me should you ever feel the going tough, I know what you are going through and I understand the depth of emotion that is around you.

Take good care and for what it is worth......well done!!

Paddy

[DePressMe]

Hey Split, how are you doing today (not checking your sobriety). I know you have been struggling with drinking for a while now. It's good that you are still working to get better and achieve sobriety. Try too remember that you are doing this for yourself...

Glad you are making progress, splitimage.

[splitimage]

Thanks Paddy, Depressme, and The Byzantine. It's been 6 weeks since my last relapse, or so my addictions Dr. informs me. I've given up counting, and am just focussing on 24 hour periods. I really know that physically I feel loads better when i don't drink, and I know that I have to be sober, in order to make the changes I want to make to make my life better. It's just that I also want the oblivion that alcohol gives me.

And I've come to realize that there's part of me that likes being a drunk. because if I'm just a drunk, I can blame how crap my life is on the booze and not have to do the hard work to make my life better.

The supervised antabuse is well, strange. It's good to have the accountability, but I definitely feel like it's giving me material for another chapter in my book. I had to tell my addictions Dr. that I couldn't come in for it this Wed. evening as I'm meeting a girlfriend for dinner down town. Well she freaked out, and basically interrrogated me about if I was going to drink in group. Then wanted to know if I could come in on Thurs. or Fri. to take it. Unfortunately I start work at 7 both days so I can't come in before work, and I don't get off work until 5 and on thurs and fri's the addictions program shuts down at 4. So I have to caller her Wed. morning to tell her I've taken it. I'm really beginning to understand how psych patients under assertive community treatment orders feel. Oh well, I know this is just another phase in my admittedly rocky journey.

The good news is I have a new sponsor, actually she's not that new, I've had her for a couple of months now, and she's really good for me.

One bad thing that's happenned that has a positive result, is that I've had to cut back on my therapy to every other week for financial reasons. There's a Tues night AA meeting which is fantastic that I used to go to all the time, but could never get to recently because it conflicted with therapy. Now I can go to it, every other week. They also have a Thurs meeting that's pretty good. I'm probably going to join that group as my new home group.

Plus I've changed my hours at work on Wed. and Thurs, so that I'm working 7-5 instead of 8-6 which means I get home it time to have dinner and still be able to make it to an 8 pm meeting, so I'm able to get to more meetings now, which is good.

I know I'm making progress, although it feels glacial, and I still want to drink pretty much constantly. But I haven't today and have no plans to drink today. So for now it's ok.

--splitimage

[paddym22]

Thanks Splitimage so glad to read this update. I dont know what it is like to have to be present and correct all the time to take the antabuse, I guess it is pretty much like having to submit yourself to sporadic drug tests, never being infomed when they are?

But I can see positive and good things in your post. I remember when I found my home group, it really felt like it was my 'home' and I cherish that feeling so more than any buzz I ever got from any drug.

And you say something that hits me so powerfully and that is

'' But I havent today and have no plans to drink today''

and that is a really powerful message to you yourself and to everybody else.

I am really pleased for you.

Paddy

Congratulations on the progress you are making, splitimage.

[valfor]

((((splitimage)))))) I admire the fact that you can be so honest with your drinking..you have taken the steps that I struggle to take...I have become a closet drinker I hide it even from my self.....i read and I feel ashamed that I cannot be honest even with my self...but I read what you wrote and I know that if I keep on trying like you do I will succeed .....thank-you