[jexa]

I don't know what to do about my relationship with my sister.
She is addicted to opiates.. usually percocet.. snorts the pills usually. I am so mad because she had this great opportunity. Her friend paid for her to fly to New York and even gave her a place to stay and a job. My sister ruined it by punching her friend in the face when her friend called her a wh*re. The friend kicked her out and even paid for her flight home to be rid of her. I am so mad because now she is back in town. I thought she was finally getting out of the lowlife scene she'd gotten caught up in here! Not only that, now I have to deal with her again.

As you can see, not only is she an addict, she is also a dangerous person. She becomes violent very quickly when her logic is challenged. Once she pulled my hair while I was driving and could have killed both of us. She has punched me, slapped me, kicked me, and when we were younger (before she did drugs even), she held knives to me, scratched me (I have scars all over my arms from her), and threw things at me that really could have hurt me. She even hit my mom with a tree branch once. And threw a CD player at her once, too, giving her a large bruise.

But, my sister has another side. You would never, never, never know when you first met her that she had this violent streak. She seems very insecure and sweet when you first meet her. She is always agreeing with what everyone says and tries to be generous among her friends. She wants to be a good person and apologizes for her rages. I think she has a good heart, and a big huge drug problem and serious rage issues. Also I think she is thoroughly confused and may have BPD.

But, these rage issues were problems with her when she was young. They are now a problem only when she has been using, or is in withdrawal. When she is clean she clears up and becomes a normal human being. But I don't know what to do. She keeps justifying her problem to herself and if you try to challenge her she is dangerous!

We are supposed to hang out tomorrow. I agreed to take her to the beach. There are a few reasons why I maintain this relationship with her. First, I feel like I am the only sane voice in her life. I have been trying to carefully reframe her thinking in subtle ways, hoping that I will eventually reach her (while hoping not to step on a landmine). If she keeps hanging out with drug addicts and has no sane voice countering their mental acrobatics with logic, then I worry she will become further entrenched in this crazy dance of self-justification. Second, I am afraid of her, and afraid that withdrawing my friendship from her will be met with hostility and violence. Also, withdrawing my friendship from her will cause even MORE unspoken tension in a family that is CHOCK FULL of the "underwater currents." And I will become the newest scapegoat since I caused the most recent problem. And third, she is my sister and I love her. I love her so much. We have had such good and deep conversations together. We have cried together and she means so much to me. I don't want to lose our time together. What if she kills herself on these drugs?

But being around her makes me feel worse. And I am sick of walking on eggshells.

Someone help me.

[NuckingFutz]

Wow, you have your hands full! Walking on eggshells while she does the Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde routine eh? Sounds like her rages did go unchecked in childhood and now they are kind of who she is. Perhaps you can check out Naranon- a place for friends and family of people addicted to drugs. You may not be able to fix her, but it's a place where you can find peace and serenity regardless if your sister decides to stop drugging or not. Please call information or look in the phonebook for a meeting near you. Hang in there and hugs to you.

[Beautifully_Broken]

I'm not surprised she hurt her friend, I would lose it too if I were called a wh*re.

In fact, that's not even a friend.

Anyway, does she see anyone for this?

[englishteacher]

What a painful situation you are in. Are your parents involved with this situation? Can they help? Is there any way to get her into rehab during one of her calm moments? I think it's wonderful that you want to help her considering all she has put you through, but be sure to take care of yourself as well.

[jexa]

I am afraid I would feel all awkward at those meetings because I don't believe in a higher power at all. They emphasize that and pray together and.. I don't know, how awkward! Do you know if atheists/agnostics are accepted without judgment or attempts to convert in those places? I don't want to go to a place that is meant to be safe and find myself having to defend my point of view to people who may not understand where I am coming from.

Broken, I don't know what she did to deserve being called a wh*re, but I know that she would not hesitate to do the same thing to a friend who angered her. If that is not a friend, then my sister has never been a friend. There is not a friend she has that she has not abused in this way. I wouldn't be surprised if she instigated this. At all. And no, she is not getting help. And she doesn't think she needs it.

teacher, my parents have mostly given up on my sister. They have offered her a place in their home if she agrees to clean up her act while living with them (i.e., no drugs, stops dressing like a homeless person, stops using fowl language with such frequency, etc), but she refuses. It makes sense to me that she would refuse because my parents are crazy. They won't help beyond this. They say they can't afford her rehab and they don't think it will help her since they tried it with my brother and it didn't work. They say they've thrown enough money down the drain with her. Besides, she is so caught up in the lowlife lifestyle that she would refuse rehab at this point even in her clean moments.

So, what now? We just let her wither away? And then my other brother and sister just let her do whatever. They don't even try to talk to her or change her. And they don't help her. But when I don't help her everyone calls me selfish, because I am supposed to be the responsible one.

This all feels so hopeless.

[NuckingFutz]

Getting off the drugs is the first step. No one will give her a true diagnosis while she is using. They have to be able to tell what the meds do to her and how she is when clean. Sometimes people get clean without rehab. They have to want to do it though. Maybe an anger management course could help her deal with her anger in a more constructive way. Would rie be willing to do that? Keep posting.

[Shangrala]

Hi Jexa~

I'm sorry this is happening with your sister, and moreso, that you're so closely tied in your bonding with her. I know how you must be feeling, as I've been through similar.

I don't think you've mentioned your sister's age, (if you have, my apologies for my oversight).
My experience is with an older brother who, throughout our years, has proven to be a burden upon the family. It's escalated to the point where all in my family has excluded him, for the most part, due to his reluctancy of "straightening up". After all, we can only do so much for him. Continuing to give him money, provide him security when he blows it for himself, only prolongs what he needs to do for self.

I love my brother dearly, but there is only so much we can do for a loved one, especially if they don't/can't get help for selves.
And if you're not careful, that loved one can place you into situations that are not favorable for you.
You have to take care of you, first. And the best you can do is provide your sister what you have to offer without crossing your own boundaries for self.

I agree with NF. She needs to be clean before a dx can be made. And she will have to want this for herself, otherwise, unfortunately, it won't happen.

I hope the best for you and for your sister. Keep posting.

Shangrala

Hello, jexa. My thought is for you to establish boundaries your sister must abide by. While it may be you are your sister's keeper, that obligation does not include harming your own health. I also think you need to remind your other siblings they cannot ignore their own responsibility to your sister simply because it is inconvenient.

Good luck.

[englishteacher]

I agree with Byz - set some boundaries with your sister to protect yourself. Also, there is no reason that YOU have to be the only responsible one in the family. I've been that person and it's a horrible, stressful place to be when you feel that everyone is counting on you and no one is helping you. I'm sorry your parents feel that it is a waste to try to help her.

[jexa]

Thanks guys for the support. I am doing my best to deal with this. I am at such a high level of stress overall right now financially and work-wise that piling my sister on top of this is more than a little overwhelming to me. Going to the beach with her wasn't so bad and she was not high at the time, so that was good. I did, however, work on setting some boundaries. I am withdrawing my support from her and it scares me to think of the consequences of this which include potential ridicule, anger, and abuse. But I don't know what else to do. She asked me if she could borrow my bicycle while she is in town and I told her no, that I need it and have been using it. I don't want to let her borrow my things anymore as she so often is careless and destructive. But telling her this was very difficult for me and my heart was racing while I told her no since I never know whether her reaction will be violent. There was anger but not violence. Then she asked if "things went down" with the guy she is living with whether I would pick her up in the middle of the night. In the past, she has abused me (with screaming, and violence) when I come to pick her up if I am the slightest bit late. So I told her that I would come if I heard my phone but I might be sleeping and couldn't promise anything. Again, anger but not violence. But I don't know what the future will hold. I am so very afraid of her and wish she wasn't in my life. In our meeting she acted very nice for most of it but I know the wizard behind the curtain and just being around her at all sets me on edge, puts me on high alert. It's so sad to me because she is my sister. I am full of guilt for setting these boundaries and fear future abuse from her in retaliation.

[englishteacher]

Jexa - I'm glad that you set those boundaries, even though it is/was scary. At least she wasn't violent, just angry. Remember that you don't have to take abuse from her, just because she's your sister. Actually, you don't have to accept abuse from any of them - sisters, brother or parents...you always have the option (although it is painful) to just walk away. Sometimes that is the best answer... I'm sending you some positive energy and a hug. Hope things get better.

[FooZe]

An off-the-wall question, jexa: has anyone ever suggested that your sister might need treatment for Borderline?

I've met some wonderful people here at PC who report having a diagnosis of BPD but don't seem to fit any of the Borderline stereotypes. Your sister's volatility, rages and "Jekyll/Hyde" transitions fit a lot better, and your "walking on eggshells" reaction is just about a trademark of BPD. It's even the title of a book: Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder. I haven't read enough of the book myself to either recommend or discommend* it, but there's lots more about it at Amazon including reviews and sample pages.

Your sister's drug problems might well turn out to be on top of, or the result of, something else -- such as BPD.

Thanks for sharing/asking, and best of luck!

----------------------------
*Real word!

[jexa]

I've actually considered that she needs treatment for borderline. I do think she probably has it since her whole life she has been pretty classically borderline. But the thing is, she's just going to quit therapy the minute she starts. So what's the point? She doesn't want to change her worldview and she does not have any idea that she needs help.

The things she say make me so angry. She says such ridiculous things and I am not allowed to criticize them! Last time we talked, she said, "I don't think anyone will understand my philosophy on life, because what I believe is that I need to destroy everything." Later she even said, "I want to destroy the world." As her older sister, am I supposed to just accept that? I ignore it but what I want to say is, "Are you crazy? This is not the way you live your life!!"

[englishteacher]

Have you asked her why she feels so destructive? I can see why it would be hard to accept that as a philosophy of life, but perhaps getting to the root of why she wants to destroy everything would help her. I feel like that sometimes and it's usually because I feel helplessly manipulated, out of control and hopeless.

[jexa]

I've asked her this and it never goes anywhere. She gets into this intense philosophical discussion (and total misinterpretation) of Hakim Bey's "Temporary Autonomous Zone." Anyway my T says I need to stop being my sister's T. Our relationship is way too mother-daughter and it's unhealthy for both of us. I think it's true that she feels helplessly manipulated, but I don't think she could admit that to me. I think she needs someone who is not so close to work through this with her. Until she is willing to do that, I'm pretty sure the situation is hopeless.

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by jexa

She says such ridiculous things and I am not allowed to criticize them! ... As her older sister, am I supposed to just accept that? I ignore it but what I want to say is, "Are you crazy? This is not the way you live your life!!"

Originally Posted by jexa

Anyway my T says I need to stop being my sister's T... I think she needs someone who is not so close to work through this with her.

It sounds as if it's easy for both of you to "push each other's buttons" and hard for either of you not to react accordingly. When you see your only options as criticizing or ignoring, that's a pretty sure sign you've just had your buttons pushed and are too busy reacting to be fully available. For all you or I can tell, wanting to destroy the world may be her off-topic way of expressing that she's mad at someone*, and frustrated that they react and pass judgment and aren't willing to hear her.

Speculating a bit here -- her refusing therapy if you were to suggest it could be another obvious way to get back at you for what she perceives as, oh, trying to control her or something. If she were ever to find herself talking to someone who really seemed to her to be listening and being there looked like her own idea, not someone else's, she might never want to leave. [/speculating]

-------------------------
*Not always you, though you may be closest at the time.

[jexa]

Originally Posted by Fool Zero

It sounds as if it's easy for both of you to "push each other's buttons" and hard for either of you not to react accordingly. When you see your only options as criticizing or ignoring, that's a pretty sure sign you've just had your buttons pushed and are too busy reacting to be fully available. For all you or I can tell, wanting to destroy the world may be her off-topic way of expressing that she's mad at someone*, and frustrated that they react and pass judgment and aren't willing to hear her.

Speculating a bit here -- her refusing therapy if you were to suggest it could be another obvious way to get back at you for what she perceives as, oh, trying to control her or something. If she were ever to find herself talking to someone who really seemed to her to be listening and being there looked like her own idea, not someone else's, she might never want to leave. [/speculating]

-------------------------
*Not always you, though you may be closest at the time.

Ohh the ever-insightful FZ! You've stepped on my anger button! Fortunately here from the other side of the screen I know that the fact that you've stepped on this tells me you're onto something. Anyway, you're saying the things that I've suspected myself. Though I still have this intense need to help her, somehow shelter her, somehow save her from this lifestyle which could kill her!! But that's my stuff and it's true, it's true, it's so terribly, awfully, horribly true that the more I try to put myself in the position of being her savior, the more she rebels against anything I suggest. And the more suggestions I give the more she fights to have something of her own. And the more self-destructive she gets. I have played my own role in this!

The thing that kills me is that she keeps asking me into this role, and then getting angry when I fulfill it. She expects me to rescue her and then I do, and then I set boundaries, and then I give in when I feel like she really needs it.. but it's not helping, it's not helping!! To me it is so much easier to see how this can be unhealthy when I am on the job.. I am so good with boundaries in my job and so bad with boundaries in this case. I am so scared that without me in her life that my sister would die, would kill herself on drugs, would fall to pieces. But that is my own need for control. Maybe the best thing for her is for me never to make suggestions to her again, so she can find her own way.. because all she can do with my suggestions is rebel.. it is so frustrating for me. And then there is this guilt fearing that the way I have been acting, this mother act I've got going on, has been very unhealthy for her and has led to her further descent into chaos.

I don't want to take my hands off of this. It is just so hard!!! I talk about my relationship with my sister a lot with my T but.. it is still so hard to change these patterns.. I am the older sister, I rescue her.. and when I don't, I am selfish, so says my sister, and I hate to be seen that way, so I react by accommodating more, then suggesting more, then being rebelled against. These patterns keep repeating..

You really hit the nail on the head, FZ, but what is really the healthiest thing to do? I keep seeing these absolute solutions but they all seem bound to fail.. either I keep accommodating and suggesting ideas, or I stop and she's out of my life, I could give up on trying to help, and maybe that would help, or.. or WHAT? I mean even my T says this is just such a complex and tricky situation and there is no way to know the best path to take.

I just want to do anything, anything, anything, anything that will work. I wish someone could tell me what I could do. Which path leads to my sister being okay, in the end? I just keep thinking she's going to die unless someone does something!

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by jexa

Ohh the ever-insightful FZ! You've stepped on my anger button! Fortunately here from the other side of the screen I know that the fact that you've stepped on this tells me you're onto something.

Anything you need me to know about what just came up for you? I don't hear you saying I was trying to bug you and fwiw, I wasn't.

Since I don't seem to be in serious trouble with you quite yet, I'm ready to continue if you're willing:

Anyway, you're saying the things that I've suspected myself. Though I still have this intense need to help her, somehow shelter her, somehow save her from this lifestyle which could kill her!! But that's my stuff and it's true, it's true, it's so terribly, awfully, horribly true that the more I try to put myself in the position of being her savior, the more she rebels against anything I suggest.

From here (at a safe distance! lol) I see several overlapping things going on: your sister's obviously at risk with the stuff she's doing and you don't want her to come to a bad end. You're studying to be a T someday and help people like her, and you probably wouldn't mind a bit if you found you were ready to make a difference in some way even now. Your sister, meanwhile, seems to think that if she lets you do anything for her, you win and she loses. It's possible that you have some of the same going on, but if so, I have no idea how much it's there or how important it is to you. She may very well be carrying around some long-standing grudge, either against you or against a whole lot of people including you. She may be wishing (whether she's ready to admit it or not) she could untangle her relationship with you and be able to love you without also hating you.

I don't claim to be any good at dealing with situations like that; I've had lots more practice steering clear of them than in making my way through them. Still, if I were to find (as you seem to be finding) that the more I did something the worse the results were, I'd start looking for ways not to do it any more. Easier said than done -- you've tried everything, the opposite of that is nothing, and doing nothing isn't an option. Unless maybe it is...

We're talking about doing the impossible here, so we'd better start by sprinkling the situation with a little pixie dust. There!

------- Entering Fool Zero's fantasy. -------
Please watch your step.

Now -- I'm picturing you acknowledging (first of all to yourself) that you don't know what you're doing and that what you've been doing doesn't seem to be working. Then, after you've hung out with that for a while, you might look at sharing it with your sister. I'm not by any means talking about doing this as some kind of technique, where you say the magic words and your sister can't help getting with the program. I mean, you share what's so for you and no more, and you stop there. Then it's her choice where to go with it. Whatever she says, you just get it. She might tell you to go to hell; if she does, you're not required to go. Get that she said it, though, and if you don't resist she might eventually consider tell you a little more just to see how you take it.

------- Leaving Fool Zero's fantasy. -------
Please watch your step.

(What happened? Where am I?)

After writing the above, I reread the rest of your reply. It looks like I'm not saying anything you haven't already said in some way, and I'm not sure what the difference is between your way of saying it and mine.

I feel a Zen story coming on -- maybe this one. I'm pretty sure the secret was that the teacher didn't do what he did as a technique; if he had, it wouldn't have worked, and he knew that better than anyone.

Which path leads to my sister being okay, in the end?

If none of the available paths seem to go the way you're going, I say it's time to try going cross-country!

[mafub]

Originally Posted by Fool Zero

Anything you need me to know about what just came up for you? I don't hear you saying I was trying to bug you and fwiw, I wasn't.

Since I don't seem to be in serious trouble with you quite yet, I'm ready to continue if you're willing:

From here (at a safe distance! lol) I see several overlapping things going on: your sister's obviously at risk with the stuff she's doing and you don't want her to come to a bad end. You're studying to be a T someday and help people like her, and you probably wouldn't mind a bit if you found you were ready to make a difference in some way even now. Your sister, meanwhile, seems to think that if she lets you do anything for her, you win and she loses. It's possible that you have some of the same going on, but if so, I have no idea how much it's there or how important it is to you. She may very well be carrying around some long-standing grudge, either against you or against a whole lot of people including you. She may be wishing (whether she's ready to admit it or not) she could untangle her relationship with you and be able to love you without also hating you.

I don't claim to be any good at dealing with situations like that; I've had lots more practice steering clear of them than in making my way through them. Still, if I were to find (as you seem to be finding) that the more I did something the worse the results were, I'd start looking for ways not to do it any more. Easier said than done -- you've tried everything, the opposite of that is nothing, and doing nothing isn't an option. Unless maybe it is...

We're talking about doing the impossible here, so we'd better start by sprinkling the situation with a little pixie dust. There!

------- Entering Fool Zero's fantasy. -------
Please watch your step.

Now -- I'm picturing you acknowledging (first of all to yourself) that you don't know what you're doing and that what you've been doing doesn't seem to be working. Then, after you've hung out with that for a while, you might look at sharing it with your sister. I'm not by any means talking about doing this as some kind of technique, where you say the magic words and your sister can't help getting with the program. I mean, you share what's so for you and no more, and you stop there. Then it's her choice where to go with it. Whatever she says, you just get it. She might tell you to go to hell; if she does, you're not required to go. Get that she said it, though, and if you don't resist she might eventually consider tell you a little more just to see how you take it.

------- Leaving Fool Zero's fantasy. -------
Please watch your step.

(What happened? Where am I?)

After writing the above, I reread the rest of your reply. It looks like I'm not saying anything you haven't already said in some way, and I'm not sure what the difference is between your way of saying it and mine.

I feel a Zen story coming on -- maybe this one. I'm pretty sure the secret was that the teacher didn't do what he did as a technique; if he had, it wouldn't have worked, and he knew that better than anyone.

If none of the available paths seem to go the way you're going, I say it's time to try going cross-country!

I'm with you FZ. This situation is going nowhere! Same oh, same oh!

I was in an extreme enabling roll with my son. I was so easily manipulated; guilt trip and all. Fast forward---I quit seeing & talking with him. Any calls were ignored or taken by my H. No more money, no more paying for treatment after treatment! Paying for his apartment. (I was in deep)!

He hit a stone wall with me. He continued his destructive behavior for months. He managed to get by and I don't care how, it was his choice and I didn't have any more suggestions or unsaid wise words. Most remarkable, I felt a peace within myself, I had been strong. Strong for him! That is what he needed most; to work on himself. He couldn't with me always available.

He called recently, happy! Been sober for awhile now and got a job. Loves me and happy with his recent success. We had a good visit and no problems were discussed, only his conceived "break through!" He had a close encounter and he mustered the strength to turn around and walk away. Never did that before! He earned this period of being proud, and it may lead to continued success, one moment at a time!

With me interfering with his self-examination and work, he may have never reached a point of being his own man. Maybe this and maybe that..who will ever know? But I know!! My past with him was the wrong way. I, too, am proud I stepped out. I showed my strength. We both won, separately. Now we can have an adult to adult relationship!

Hooray for us!! These relationships can have a reasonably good outcome.

[BlueMoon6]

Oh(((((Jexa))))) You are a wonderful sister. And a caring person to stick this out so long. I know you love her. I have a similar issue with my brother, but its a non-issue since we are on different coasts. You have so much strength, but you have to keep the focus on yourself for the sake of your well-being.

When I was reading this I had so much to say all along the way- I agree that she has to stop using before she can do anything much about her behavior. She has to reach a bottom where she wants to change things. Even an intervention isnt going to be much help unless there is a seed of willingness. Has your family ever thought of doing an intervention for her drug use?

About her living near you now, the only thing I can think of is to practice a conversation (with yourself or whoever) about setting boundaries with her behavior. " cannot bail you out of an abusive situation as long as you retain an option to hit me, curse at me or scream at me. If you do these things I cannot be there for you and subject myself to it." The hard part is following through. And if you do get a call for help from her, to say, "no cursing, hitting or yelling." I think in some ways after we have allowed ourselves to be treatred this way even once, we are sort of volunteering to let it continue. You know what to say and how to say it. You can say it from your perspective. Not hers. What I mean is you dont have to tell her what she should do, just what she cannot do to you. And that you cannot help her if she behaves that way.

I think in the end, there isnt that much that anyone can do to force another person to get clean or stop abuse. The only control you really have is over how you react. I think from what you said she does have a seed of willingness to get sober. And then deal with herself and issues. It is such a shame because she probably feels she can get away with this while she is young but as she gets older and still isnt clean, she will have so many regrets. And then wish she could turn the clock back. Does she know that? Its one of the worst parts of an addiction and then getting clean. How much time was wasted and what you could have done with that time. Maybe these are thoughts that much reach her. For some reason it seems like it would be better off coming from a drug counselor than her sister. There are so many feelings involved when our family tries to rescue us.

[jexa]

FZ.. The more I hear from you and think about this, the more I'm pretty sure of what I have to do. And that is, have absolutely nothing to do with her recovery. If I am involved in her recovery then I will be "winning" and she will be "losing" if she recovers. It just won't work. We can maintain a relationship (and I will work on boundaries as best I can.. *sigh*) and I will still love her but when those conversations come up where she is seeking my validation of her behavior, or a challenge from me on it, I just have to bite my tongue. I can't say one way or the other anymore. Neither one will help. And I can't give her anything anymore. I can't hang out with her when she's high. So it's got to be about me now. Not about her changing her behavior, but clearly stating to her that I have controls on my environment, that I choose what I want and don't want to subject myself to, that I don't care how she acts except for when it directly affects me.

mafub, thanks for your story! It gives me hope. I so very much so hope that my sister will turn out okay! I don't know what kind of journey she's going to go down. She always did want to do things the hard way! But maybe in the end she will be like your son.. and maybe in the end our relationship will be salvaged somehow..

Blue, thanks for this. I am going to try to make the boundaries about me, not about her behavior. And I'm going to try to be strong when she reacts to that (for she certainly will call me selfish when I tell her no). We've talked about interventions before but knowing my sister, she won't react well. She'll just run out of the room or she'll go on a rant about how she's "not the same as us" and she refuses to "fit into our stupid boxes" or whatever other justification she'll throw out there. I find myself wishing I could get her in trouble so she could go to court-mandated therapy. But I would never do that. I just wish she would go get some help! Obviously it can't come from me! Even though I want it to.

She knows the drugs are wasting her time but she already told me she thinks she's going to die young. She told me she's fine with that. It just breaks my heart. My other little sister says she thinks she's going to die by suicide one day. How can I get close to my little sisters when they say these awful things? I worry so much for them.

What is she running from with such force? Is it the same thing I'm facing right now, shaking in my boots? I get how you can convince yourself of anything just to keep running and running and running from pain.. but once you turn around, even though it's hard, it ends up being okay. It ends up being something you can breathe into. And through the darkness comes the good feeling you were looking for.. maybe not perfect, but better than these stuck places. I wish there was some way I could tell her this. I mean, I've tried but I wish there was a way to reach her. I really have to give up on my efforts, don't I? *sigh* I hope this is the right thing to do.

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by jexa

What is she running from with such force? Is it the same thing I'm facing right now, shaking in my boots?

Whether or not it's in the same shape, I'm sure it's made of the same kind of stuff.

...once you turn around, even though it's hard, it ends up being okay. It ends up being something you can breathe into.

That, my dear, may prove to be one of the most valuable discoveries you've made yet!

And through the darkness comes the good feeling you were looking for.. maybe not perfect, but better than these stuck places.

Don't get stuck in "not perfect" either. Keep breathing into the "not perfect" parts and see what comes up next.

I wish there was some way I could tell her this.

If you don't mind my asking -- who told you, and how?

I hope this is the right thing to do.

If there's nothing better available, how much does it matter if it's "right" or not?

[mafub]

[quote=jexa;1349126]FZ.. The more I hear from you and think about this, the more I'm pretty sure of what I have to do. And that is, have absolutely nothing to do with her recovery. If I am involved in her recovery then I will be "winning" and she will be "losing" if she recovers. It just won't work. We can maintain a relationship (and I will work on boundaries as best I can.. *sigh*) and I will still love her but when those conversations come up where she is seeking my validation of her behavior, or a challenge from me on it, I just have to bite my tongue. I can't say one way or the other anymore. Neither one will help. And I can't give her anything anymore. I can't hang out with her when she's high. So it's got to be about me now. Not about her changing her behavior, but clearly stating to her that I have controls on my environment, that I choose what I want and don't want to subject myself to, that I don't care how she acts except for when it directly affects me.

mafub, thanks for your story! It gives me hope. I so very much so hope that my sister will turn out okay! I don't know what kind of journey she's going to go down. She always did want to do things the hard way! But maybe in the end she will be like your son.. and maybe in the end our relationship will be salvaged somehow..

Blue, thanks for this. I am going to try to make the boundaries about me, not about her behavior. And I'm going to try to be strong when she reacts to that (for she certainly will call me selfish when I tell her no). We've talked about interventions before but knowing my sister, she won't react well. She'll just run out of the room or she'll go on a rant about how she's "not the same as us" and she refuses to "fit into our stupid boxes" or whatever other justification she'll throw out there. I find myself wishing I could get her in trouble so she could go to court-mandated therapy. But I would never do that. I just wish she would go get some help! Obviously it can't come from me! Even though I want it to.

She knows the drugs are wasting her time but she already told me she thinks she's going to die young. She told me she's fine with that. It just breaks my heart. My other little sister says she thinks she's going to die by suicide one day. How can I get close to my little sisters when they say these awful things? I worry so much for them.

What is she running from with such force? Is it the same thing I'm facing right now, shaking in my boots? I get how you can convince yourself of anything just to keep running and running and running from pain.. but once you turn around, even though it's hard, it ends up being okay. It ends up being something you can breathe into. And through the darkness comes the good feeling you were looking for.. maybe not perfect, but better than these stuck places. I wish there was some way I could tell her this.

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jexa! Listen to your own good consul when you hear it! You are making yourself sick and not good for you or anyone in your weakened condition. So many questions you don't need to ask over and over.

The outcome is the same answer...nothing good enough, comforting enough, or what you want to hear! Wishes won't work.

This is what you said:

I just wish she would go get some help! Obviously it can't come from me! Even though I want it to.

Now, what do you think of that? Isn't that an excellent answer? Isn't that an answer you would suggest to another who is struggling? You finally kept at it long enough that you reached your own conclusion at what is right. Be thankful, be proud, be comforted in your search! You did it, finally!

[jexa]

Originally Posted by Fool Zero

That, my dear, may prove to be one of the most valuable discoveries you've made yet! Don't get stuck in "not perfect" either. Keep breathing into the "not perfect" parts and see what comes up next.

Thanks! Yeah I'm especially learning it lately (as you can see in my most recent thread on the Psychotherapy forum). I don't think I'm meaning to get stuck in "not perfect." For me it's healing to remember that my recovery doesn't have to be perfect. I don't have to fix every little piece. My ex said I was afraid to be human. He was right. I'm trying to learn to be okay just being human. I think if I were considering "not perfect" in a different way maybe it would be unhealthy. Luckily that's not actually how I'm seeing it!

Originally Posted by Fool Zero

If you don't mind my asking -- who told you, and how?

Hah! Good point! No one ever told me this! It was something I had to learn through experience! All the reassurance in the world wouldn't have convinced me! Thanks for the reminder. It just shows me further that it is NOT my place to tell my sister how she should be healing!

Originally Posted by Fool Zero

If there's nothing better available, how much does it matter if it's "right" or not?

Yeah. *sigh* I guess that's true. I just always want to do the right thing, you know? The thing with the best possible outcome.

I guess that is what I am doing.

[jexa]

Originally Posted by mafub

jexa! Listen to your own good consul when you hear it! You are making yourself sick and not good for you or anyone in your weakened condition. So many questions you don't need to ask over and over.

The outcome is the same answer...nothing good enough, comforting enough, or what you want to hear! Wishes won't work.

This is what you said:

I just wish she would go get some help! Obviously it can't come from me! Even though I want it to.

Now, what do you think of that? Isn't that an excellent answer? Isn't that an answer you would suggest to another who is struggling? You finally kept at it long enough that you reached your own conclusion at what is right. Be thankful, be proud, be comforted in your search! You did it, finally!

You're right! All of that was just me wishing and wishing.. I don't think I can help but wish things though. The answer is I can't try so hard anymore. It will still come to my mind, though, that I wish things were different. I guess I will have to gently remind myself to let those thoughts just float on by, rather than acting on them!