[BamaSurvivor]

Posted this in romance but figured it'd be good to go here as well since it has to do with his recovery and my recovery and his charges. So here's the copy/paste:

I met the most amazing guy today, at Wal Mart of all places. LoL He's not all that gorgeous look wise, but his personality takes over and makes him absolutely gorgeous. Anyway, he came up to me, tapped me on the shoulder, and said, "Excuse me Miss but would it be too much trouble to ask for your name and number?", or something along those lines. I said yes, of course, and gave him my name and number. He called within an hour later and asked if I wanted to come to his place and chill... At first I was hectic about it because going to a guys house you first meet usually means they want "some", but not so with Justin.

Went over to his house and first he introduced me to his sister, her kids, and his sisters husband. They were all really nice people. We went into his room for a few just talking and it got hot in there so we decided to go lay down outside and look at the stars since they were out and so beautiful tonight. We layed there, with my head leaned down on his air and just talked about all sorts of things. Our up bringings, where we came from, what we wanted out of life, and one we wanted in another partner. We kept finishing eachothers sentences! lol All we did was kiss a few times and he respected me enough to stop there and walk me to my car. He's awesome! Anyway, it's 3:15am and I'm rattling now...
I guess I do have a question, but please don't take it as he's a bad person, because he's not. He is a recovering addict, as am I. I think he'd be really good for me sobriety wise because he's been clean longer than me and is just so smart and caring. But he's have two cases pending from when he was using dope. The charges are possession of drug paraphanila (sp?), and he sold dope to an under-cover cop. He spent a couple months in jail for it but then got out and his lawyer is trying to get him just probation and drug court referral or something instead of prison time, but there is a chance he can spend up to 4 years in prison. What do you think I should do? I'm really digging this guy, never started liking a guy this much this fast, ever. But I'm scared that once his hearing comes up and he has to spend 4 years in prison, what am I left with? I'm going to spend every waking second I can with him and enjoy every second of it, but I'm also putting up a little bit of my gaurd so that I don't get hurt AS badly if something goes wrong.

What would you do in that type of situation? And if they did go to prison but you really cared about them, would you wait for them to come home?

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((bama)))))))))))))) i can't offer suggestions on what you should do. i've not been in your position. if it were me and i was just starting into a new relationship such as this, i think i'd keep a space while i was watching to see how things progressed. as it got closer and i felt he might go to prison for that long, i don't know that i could continue. that's me, though. i can also see myself loving him enough to hang around. it's just a really tough one.

ok, what i can say with certainty...BRAVO! what a way to think things thru at trying to do the best for your life and knowing self as well as trying to predict anything that might interfere with your sobriety! YOU GO WOMAN!

[BamaSurvivor]

Thanks, Kimmy! You're the bestest. ((((( kimmy )))))

I want to make this clear for everyone... He no longer hangs around his old drug addict friends, he goes to at least 5 NA meetings a week, and while he's waiting for his trial, he has to take a pee test randomly every week. So he's definitely not a bad influence on me.

[mrb020377]

You go woman!

[Allan]

Bama, not sure if you are going to like what I have to say but have learned the hard way. Have you ever seen the movie "28 Days"? It talks about at the end about a plant and other things and relationships and not to start one for at least a year till you are on top of your feet. I tried this myself and thought I would be different and both of us ended up in relapse. You need to focus on you now and what you are going to do to keep you from using. I know how the feelings come and you want something so much, but I feel this is for your own good. Give it some time for yourself to grow in recovery before attempting a relationship. I have been in recovery 4 years now and still have so much screwed up with me that I do not even think of a relationship. I come first. Just my thoughts and you may toss them aside and I wont feel hurt or anything. Think of yourself first and your recovery though.

Allan

[BamaSurvivor]

Oooh I'm going! lol *giggles*

[BamaSurvivor]

I do come first, I'm not going to lay out of my meetings or stop going to my NA meetings simply because I have a boyfriend now, hell, may even bring him to a few with me. I do and will still come first. Justin and I have talked about this.

[BamaSurvivor]

Justin is in the same place I'm in... His recovery comes first. He doesn't want to relapse and possible end up going to prison as a full fledged junkie. I don't want to relapse because this is life or death for me. Nothing or no one will get in the way of that. I'm not new to recovery, I've been at it since September, I'm just new to sobriety again.

[JustBen]

That's a tough decision. In your place, I'd probably just enjoy the time that's available and see what I was feeling if/when he's sentenced. I think there's a risk of heartache either way, though. Good luck.

[BamaSurvivor]

Thanks JustBen. He's a good guy, I hope he's not sentenced too long but I'm not the judge. We will see how it goes.

[Raynaadi]

I debated as to whether to answer this question honestly. I decided to just share my experience.

A few years ago I met a recovering meth addict who was awaiting charges. We hooked up, very quickly. I was in the beginning of my alcoholism. I didn't know much about recovery. Didn't get that he couldn't drink. Thought as long as he stayed away from meth and pot he'd be ok. I struggled a lot waiting fot the sentancing. It worked out for the best, he didn't get time, just extended probation. We continuted on our merry way. Long story short, he started drinking heavily with me, eventually smoking pot again. We married. I was with him as his wife for 4 months when he went nuts on me, getting close to violence. I left him. I have no idea what he's doing now. We are still married because I'm terrified to pursue divorce. Now I'm in recovery. While doing my 5th step, I saw how easy it was for him to relapse, not on meth, not that I know of. Now, he wasn't honest about his recovery, obviously not with me or with himself. He also got involved with me even though I drank. I know it wasn't my fault, but he was new in sobriety and got into a relationship. Now, present time, me this time. Over Labor Day weekend, I met a guy with 6 years, who would have had 10 if it hadn't been for 1 beer. I was so excited, a guy who was interested in me, who was sober. But after getting to know him, I saw that I didn't respect his program, and I wasn't putting as much energy into my program and my fellows. I also lost respect for him, when I asked myself if I would get involved with someone new in sobriety. Now I only have a little over 5 months, but I can't imagine getting involved with someone with only 30 days, regardless of how much time they might have had before. People early in sobriety have so much growing and changing to do. I had to look at him and wonder what he was doing with me. Why was he allowing himself into someone's early program? Though I put my sobriety first, I'm still too young to worry about someone else, especially another in recovery. I made that decision for me, based on my needs, my patterns. New relationships feel great and their fun. But I had to look at my past and what I did when I met a cool guy. I decided if we were meant to see each other that way, it could wait until down the road when my sobriety is no longer shaky. Though you had time under your belt, you relapsed. Therefore your sobriety is shaky. Take a good look at yourself, your motives, his motives, his program, etc. Can this wait until your sobriety is less shaky? Is this relationship happening right this minute worth the possibility of another change in sobriety date? These are my fears when it comes to a new relationship in early sobriety. This is simply my experience strenght and hope on the issue and definetly does not pertain to everyone. I would say this to a women not in recovery as well....don't let yourself be blindsided by new lust. Take it easy, take it slow, and trust your gut. Keep us posted.

~Rayna

[JustBen]

Thanks for sharing your story. It takes guts to talk about this stuff.

[BamaSurvivor]

Yeah, thanks for sharing Rayna. ((((( Rayna )))))

We are both relatively new to sobriety, but since I relaped, he has more time than me. We've both promised eachother that our individual recovery comes first, then we can spend time together. He goes to his meetings during lunch break from work and I still go to my regular meetings as well. We told eachother if the first time one of us skipped a meeting to go see the other, we would take a step back and remain friends until we were stronger in our sobriety. So far it's worked out good, but it's still the beginning. I respect him very much and his determination to stay clean and do what he's gotta do to stay that way. He made it very clear to me that I would not get in the way of his recovery and if I did, we'd have to part seperate ways. So maybe it'll continue to work how it's working now.