[neri]

Wow, first time writing in here ever.

Things could definitely be better right now. I've been clean of everything for over year and a half, but now.. I don't know if it's the holidays, or the feeling that I'm not getting anything out of my therapy, or something else... generally feeling quite sh*tty... and now...after all this time ..when occasionally I didn't even remember the want anything... I'm still going to go to the pharmacy tomorrow and buy synthetic morphine based cough medicine (I already know that neither me or the -15 celsius temperature outside can stop me ), and a friend even promised that he'd get me some really good e.

It's not the actual use i'm afraid of, naturally I'm not dreading feeling better, but the consequences... What's gonna happen if I do this again

Nothing good, I know.. But I just don't know how else to survive

[partlycloudy]

Hello Neri.

It does help me to think things through. What will happen next if I <drink> <take a pill> ? I try to use imagery, to see myself bumping up the stairs, or being sick in the toilet, or lying with my cheek pressed to the bathroom tile. I don't want to do that again, I don't want to be there again. Whatever release I imagine I'll get from using, I look forward through that imagining and see what I'll be on the other side. Full of regret, maybe shame, maybe not able to feel at all.

Hope this helps.
spc

[shadowalker164]

When I first came into recovery, I was told that if we sober up a horse thief, and nothing else changes in his life, all we have is a sober horse thief.

Just quitting drinking and drugging, didn’t fix me. I found that just stopping made things worse, not better. That was why I drank, to keep those bad feelings away.

Being clean for a year and a half is a good thing, but more work may still be required. If you are not happy in your sobriety, you will drink and drug again. But if you can wear this world, warts and all like a loose fitting garment, you never have to drink or drug again.

Spiritual growth for me was the key to living a happy life. That’s my story, take it for what it is worth.

You know what is in store for you once you begin again, it will be just like it was the day before you decided to stop 18 months ago, real bad. You know this.

Chose accordingly
Richard

[Raynaadi]

Sounds like you've made up your mind already...but there must be part of you that thinks it's a mistake if you're bringing it up here. Play the tape through, like partlycloudy said. Why did you quit in the first place? Do you want to go through quitting again? Do you want to end up feeling terrible the next day, when you could instead just suffer through this, knowing it too will pass? Think it through hun, you don't have to do this. =)
Rayna

[neri]

well that's the thing.. i didn't really want to quit in the first place. I was just sort of forced to.

[neri]

__________________[ insert frustrated, anxious, scared and lonely scream here ]___________________ !!!!!!!!!!

I've made peace with an old friend with whom I could talk about this. He wouldn't have anything instructive to say since he still uses but at least he could listen and know what I'm talking about.

But of course he's not available when I need him the most

[BamaSurvivor]

Neri, many good things have been said here. Play the tape through... Do you REALLY want to use or do you just want to feel better? There's many things that can make you feel better other than using drugs. Go to a meeting, go shopping, go take a walk, take a hot bubble bath, do something for YOU that isn't harming YOU.

As Richard said, if you aren't happy in sobriety, you won't stay sober. Please find that happiness, it's there. Wish you the best on this long road... Just remember, it doesn't have to be a long road. It can be just a day at a time, or even a minute at a time. Stay focused on you.