Things arent great!

i just had a huge row with my dad, and hes been drinking. he gets violent when hes been drinking and i think at one point he was going to hit me. he had that look in his face, that ive seen before, like when him and my mum use to fight and punch eachother.

this is how the arguement began:

this christmas coming, 10 people out of my family (including my dad and i) were due to go on holiday to scotland to a cottage. well 2 people had to pull out tonight because they couldnt get the time off work, so my dad rang my uncle and started shouting at him down the phone, effing and swearing at him for reasons unknown. so my uncle said "well if you are going to talk to me like that im not going" so 4 more people have pulled out because of my dads attitude. so i tried to explain to my dad that he cant talk to people like that if he wants a solution, it will just upset them and mturn them against him. so he got all stressty with me and we began arguing. at some points i thought he was going to lash out! but he didnt thankfully.

my brother (the coward he is) decided to go out as soon as the arguement started so he left me to deal with my drunken dad who was angry. typical.

my dad has stormed off to continue drinking now and ive locked myself in my room. but im feeling all unhappy now. i feel down. i feel lonely and i feel like im the only person in the whole world who tries to sort situations out, and im sure if it wasnt for me things would be alot worse!!

and my "best friend" has just fallen out with her bboyfriend and i helped them get back together earlier by talking to them (this happened before the arguement) and so they are back to normal, and happy with eachother. they obviously love eachother which i could tell so i had to work at helping them. well, i say "them", i helped her. i havent spoken to the bf so i cant say i helped them, i just helped her! i was here for her when she needed me and now i wont hear from her again because she is happy and she only talks to me when she has a problem.

but when i was comforting her earlier, i was telling her she deserves to be happy etc, which is true. she does. but then when they were back together, i sat back and thought "i wish i had that, i wish i had that safety of a relationship" and then i got really down. then i had the arguement with my dad and now i feel worse. i just feel alone and i feel like all ive had in my life is fighting and unhappiness, and i kind of thought maybe i deserved to be loved by a woman, but im not. and im lonely. and i feel like im a parent to a child, in the form of my dad. and im constantly on edge worrying what will happen next and i wonder how much hes drank and i wonder what tomorrow will bring. and it all gets me down. and it makes me feel lonely and i have no friends to turn to, no partner, no one. and i just feel like im slipping again into the slump i was in last week that i worked so hard to drag myself out of.

i was really looking forward to the holiday at christmas, i havent had a proper holiday since last year and what with the way ive been feeling lately i just need to get away.

sorry, i just have to vent. im fed up of living this life, of having a corrupt family. what with my brother sexually abusing me, my mum drinking herself to death, my dad a violent alcoholic, a sister who tried to stab my dad whilst on drugs one day, and then theres me. a sad pathetic little kid stuck. i just wish somebody would notice me and treat me how i want to be treated. to love me. to care for me. to treat me. to hug me when im low. all those things i just lack and i hate it! i really hate it. theres never been love in my life, all there is is hate and violence. i just wish i had a friend i could go to when i needed to. but instead i have to lock myself away in my room and hope he calms down. luckily hes never hit me but sometimes i think he will. but never mind ay! he will be alright tomorrow im sure.

thanks for listening.

simon

aww Simon. I am really not much help just now, so I don't have any advice. I just want to say I read your post and that I care.

You really have a lot on your plate.... understatement Sending you gentle, healing thoughts... take care.

((((( safe hugs if ok ))))) (sorry these cyber hugs are so inadequate.... but I am a bear so maybe they aren't completely useless

((((((((((simon)))))))))))))

drink is a powerful drug it obscures the rational thinking side of the brain.

i can see y you don't drink but thats rich from me when i have been in your dads shoes and acted in that very scerario. thank god he didn't hit you because like i would not hit anyone either only in self defense but even then i froze with fear.

you seem very lonely when the family are fighting i agree it is lonely and you are the one to give the sensible answers to all the issues so be strong for your dad and mom and brother because they seem troubled with not knowing what to do and clouded judgements are not the best solutions,clouded either by fear or drink or drugs.

Simon I guess you know by now that you cannot reason with someone while they have been drinking...Your dad is no exception...It will only wind up with you getting into an argument...Have you ever heard of alanon or alateen? (spelled wrong I think)...anyhow it is for children of alcoholics...they may be able to teach you some strategies or just be there to help you cope with the life you are living with an alcoholic...please look into it...It may truly help you! They have regular weekly meetings like alcohoic anonymous...only it is for the abused of alcoholics...try it...It won't hurt!!

Simon,
I'm sorry about what you are going through..
I can't imagine what it was like to have your parents fighting each other..
I'm sorry that your holiday plans aren't going to be what you had planned. I hope that you are still going.. you need the vacation..
Have you ever thought about moving away? Like moving out of your house?.. Maybe it would help you to start out and to be away from all your problems at home..
Don't be sorry... you need to let out your feelings like the rest of us...
When I read what goes on in your life it makes me feel stupid about my life and how much I complain when I don't have any of those things going on in my life.. I should appreciate what I have more... I don't even know if I could get through that.. i'm a pretty weak person..
but you're strong and i know that you will get through it..
I KNOW you will.

Simon.. Living with n alcoholic is like a bad rollercoaster ride that never stops.... this is a bumpy part and tomorrow it may well be smooth again.. hang in there.

I know you feel all alone and we are faceless people on the other side of the computer screen but those of us who know you love you and want you to have all the happiness in the world.Be patient.. your time for love is coming soon enough.

Yor dad is hiding from his own pain and inner turmoil with the booze.. why else would he drink like he does?I wish he could get help for it, but if he can't maybe you should try going to groups for people who live with alcoholics.Here ins the states there are groups like AA for the families and it is a good thing.I think its called Al-Anon but I'm not sure.

You can' really afford to be worrying about him simon.. you have so much to do to take care of yourself so you can heal from your own pain.He is a grown man.. he is responsible for his own actions...you take care of YOU!

Hugs.. Faith

thank you for your support.

my dad has contacted my uncle and apologised, then he apologised to me for yesterday, so things are back to "normal" again now. and the holiday is back on, thankfully.

i would like to makes one thing clear though, some of you maye think i meant that my mum and dad fight now. my mum is dead, she died 5 years ago but when she was alive they use to fight. but she was an alcoholic and knew she would die from it, but i guess the love of her kids wasnt enough to keep her alive, and she died from liver damage along with hepatitas c, and a couple of other illneses. im sorry if i gave you the wrong impression about my mum, making you htink she was alive. i often forget people dont know. but i thought it was only fair to make you aware.

thank you for all your support. i really appreciate it and even though things with my dad seem ok now... i know it wont last forever.

it wasnt the arguement that i was sad about yesterday, it triggered me...i was already low and it just released the tears. it does upset me to see the damage alcohol has and that i feel alone and that im my dads parent!

i hope one day i can move out. once i sort my career out i will, i just need to get on my feet.

im going through a huge issue with my looks at the moment. i have extremely low self esteem and i have many issues about my weight (im 6 foot 2 inches and wiegh 9 and a half stone, so im thin!!) which was caused by an eating disorder i had years ago but havent been able to gain the wieght back. i truly believe i am ugly, skinny, and generally un-attractive in all aspects including personality. many wouldnt know it because most of it i dont show but i am so insecure and my confidence is as low as it can be. but i am struggling to build it up. i entered my profile into a dating site about 6 months back and havent had a single reply. so that doesnt help. i know it isnt enough effort but i thought i would start there and hopefully build up confidence, but it seems to have lowered it even more.

but im sure things will change in time, who knows. i am sure once i get a new job and meet new people i will find somebody who makes me happy and i will be able to meet new people and make friends. so roll on future!!....

simon

Simon no matter what you look like..and I am sure it is good...but you are a beautiful person...You posts show that..you just shine through...one day you will have the love you deserve...I know it! and please try and think about going to al-anon...you will meet other young people like yourself that is coping with an alcoholic parent...you will be able to talk about it with someone who is going though it too...who knows? you may even meet friends there...!

sorry you are feeling low simon, the things you have dealt with in your life are why you self esteem is low you have had a lot to deal with, i believe you are a good person with a big heart ,
((((((((((take care simon))))))))))

(((((((((Simon)))))))))))))

((((((((simon))))))))