when the answer don't matter...I don't ask the question

...sometimes things don't go to plan, sometimes things go according to an alternative plan.

where do all these plans come from?

there, just now, is an excellent example of a question that I choose to ignore for now and perhaps for all time...

not to me...not right now..does the answer matter...and because an answer will only free up the mind for another question.

I want to put a stop to this incessant questioning

this I am grateful for...this opportunity to explore beyond the limits that my myriad illnesses force upon me.

I can only take so much from the mental expanse provided me...it seems an infinite supply of possibilities avail themselves to me daily by the minute and forever and there is no way to switch it off!

...or is there?

and the answer to this don't matter to me right now

and I have just contradicted myself....God bless me! faulty man! troubled human!

...upon reading the above I considered perhaps maybe and even possibly I could elaborate.

...a person crawls...a person falls flat
a person walks....a person stumbles
a person wanders....a person stubs person toe
a person runs.....a person collides with life

and life crawls along

the monkey stubbed his toe

i for one am a complicated person. i tended to intellectualize too much. i got in the way of my success of attaining sobriety and i guess about life in general. my questioning things became incessant. i was so busy doing that i lost my way. that AA saying k.i.s.s. was true particularly for me. i needed to keep It Simple Stupid. i was digging a hole to nowhere if i didn't. it's not easy tho. i think for me it was avoiding my feelings/emotions cause they terrified me. my sponsor said i "had nothing but false pride and ego. i really didn't have any humility." how dare she!!! FINALLY i protested and she explained that was my veneer to not accept my disease of alcoholism. instead i would skirt around my dillema. omg-spelling. it was too scary to look at myself and what i'd become. but i had to be brought down to size and look at myself honestly-scary, scary. alcohol ruled my life! why did i allow it to? give in to it rather than accepting the responsibility for my life? a tall order to grow up. but if i wanted to get better it was something i needed to do to truly live. i needed to get out of the debating society. wasn't easy but i worked on it and discovered i wasn't the center of my universe. there was a god and i wasn't it.
do my observations of my old self help you at all? can you identify with part of my story?
i achieved a peace and serenity i had never known when i surrendered to the fact i couldn't do any of this alone. that was a revalation for me.

J...I can identify with you...I hear your silent typed voice!

I did find some of the peace you speak of....

I am not comfortable with peace...I don't understand it I don't recognise it I only know and recognise stress.

I do not intend to compete with the stress that the others feel in this world....
all I know is my own and I am ashamed that I cannot justify it!

If only I was subjected to obvious horrifying torments then I could perhaps sit in peace..

but instead I sit ashamed and horrified at my own inadequacies

you do not have to feel ashamed. you can pick up that torch and decide to live life differently once and for all. turn your back on what you know takes you back where you've always returned to. there is no joy when we return. only an abyss.
we all want this for you but only you can make that positive choice for yourself. we are here to support you. we want your life to be set free to experience the joy that awaits you. j, what troubles you so that you return to that hell?
the promises of AA speaks of our sobriety and it's rewards.

Quote:

“If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.... Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. ... We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. ... Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us — sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.”

sorry for long post!

Reading this post I can relate. I have always thought that I over think everything. Why? as I just posted in another post FEAR! Fear of the unknown which is living with out my out which happens to be drugs and alcohol. I am still questioning because maybe someday something will sink in that does make sense to me. I think I am the sometimes slowly AAs talking about!

...I am so weak!

I need help...

but I never ask for it

I don't want to put anyone out!

here's some acronyms about fear..F.E.A.R.
FEAR = Failure Expected And Received
FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real
FEAR = False Expectations Appearing Real
FEAR = Feelings Every Alcoholic Rejects
FEAR = Fighting Ego Against Reality
FEAR = Forget Everything and Run
FEAR = xxxx Everything and Run!
FEAR = Face Everything and Recover!
FEAR = Forgetting Everything's All Right
FEAR = Frantic Effort to Appear Real
FEAR = Frantic Efforts to Appear Recovered

hope this helps. fear can cripple us if we allow it.

it was suggested to me when i refused to reach out for help that i had false pride and ego. that i lacked humility. if we could do sobriety on our own why do many find they are not successful?
why?.. why not why?
do we become attention seekers rather than get on with it and get sober? what's the payoff for this ego behavior? center of attention?
playing the mind game rather than feeling our desperation? avoidance of reality? what's the payoff?
the only way to get sober is to get sober.

.....yes it will

maybe I will be better ready for it next time

my brain...it killed me all day....

I lay there...thinking I was okay..

but I never know?

I'm not ok!

I never am!

I pretend all the time....I just want to cry and drift

....I don't want no-one to touch me

never...

please don't touch me

...just leave me alone.......do what you have to do

just let me wipe my eyes.....

let me cry

please....let me cry....I got reasons

..I am upset

just let me cry....just for a bit

just for a little while

I think it's ok......

cant walk..

take a breath

such an alco!

did I look at me today?..

what did i see?

I cannot look at me

I hate me

but thats wrong

cos....the alohol says it's okay

it always says it's okay

so I might die this way

not looking at myself

....cannot believe I did it!

it seems so bad...

to inject

I was so good at it....I did it while driving

i watched the traffic....I mixed up

I injected at 55

I am an addict

addicts find ways

to get by