trigger day has come

I am about to fall. I feel myself slipping. I am feeling intense pain of the truth of the past. I don't know if I'm man enough to face this. My life has become like a glass house that was stoned to death. I am empty. i feel hopeless. I don't want to fall. It was not better drunk or high. I know. I am just not that smart a person to think of a way to go through this pain. I need God.

I'm not that familiar with addictions that I feel confident giving advice but... the truth of the past is no different today than it was yesterday or will be tomorrow. Could the feeling of slipping and being about to fall be a way of tricking yourself into rationalizing doing what you want to do?
I don't think you have to be smart or have God... I think you just have to resist giving in until the temporary cravings subside or lessen.
Wishing you well

Would you like to share why you feel this way?

you see the warning signs. being vigilent of your drinking/drug history can help. it sounds like you are looking for a way to escape life. the only thing is when you "come to" everything you tried to ecsape will still be there. i used a T to help re life problems that kept me standing still in my sobriety or resorting back to my old solution that was self destructive. in conjunction with AA it helped me immensely. most if not all of us trying to recover have loads of life problems too. finding new ways of handling life problems-anger, flight, emotional, pain, etc-can aide you in your sobriety. it worked for me. have you seen a T?
as for god. he's right there with you. pray and ask for his guidance. it will be revealed. are you listening?

Well here's a short update of all that transpired since I posted this last. It has been a wild ride indeed! I began feeling the feeling of anger, sober and aware. I view my lifetime in this manner: It was as if I was in a life-threatening car accident 20 years ago. Then I was taken and frozen into a large block of Artic ice, like Encino man lol. 20 years later, I was unfrozen by sobriety.

Behold, I was still the injured man. Instead of acknowledging past trauma, I suppressed all I possibly could. I rebuked all feelings, including anger. I blamed myself in order not to feel angry at others. Others blamed me too, so that was a no-brainer lol. It was easier to suppress this excruciation while not being sober. Now that I have chosen to live life on life's terms through sobriety, the pain inevitably surfaces. The anger I had always rebuked, had to surface. It had to burn it's fury. It lasted about an hour.

I was still in control of my actions and words. I did not know that was how anger worked, so I panicked. Once it came, I made dinner for the kids. We ate together. The anger subsided as I worked through the issues that caused it. It came, It went. I am a wiser person because of it. This is a learning experience. I did not know what anger would do to me. I did not know I could remain in control of myself while processing anger in a healthy manner.

I could! I did! I am living life on life's terms, and I am happy to report I am still sober!!! I cannot justly accept all credit for my accomplishments. I have a strong faith in a Higher Power. I know that I did not create myself, but He did. This has been the anchor to my soul, as the white squall rages around me. I was safe in His arms all along.

Yall have been so supportive, and I believe that I was led by the Spirit to this forum to receive the final nail in the coffin. The past is dead. Behold, I am alive forevermore! I am free, and I am choosing to stay that way! Thanks for the support yall! Sincerely, Glinda Gail

Hi Lightbulb7, I'm so glad you made it threw these issues. I can relate with you so much. It gets a whole lot better. At first it is tough but gets better and better. I am so content most of the time now, think so different, but it wasn't easy as you know. I turned to god also. I was so alone and my prayers were answered, and the strange thing is I knew they would be after a while. They were answers that came to my life that I would not have known before. I had no where else to turn. But, like you feel I found this forum because it was meant to be. Hang in there you are a fighter my friend.

Thank you so much Layla. I am so happy that you have become truly free from the bondage of addiction. One thing that is motivating me right now (that I have not mentioned) is the reality that when we ourselves find healing and freedom, we are in effect leaving a "trail of breadcrumbs" to others; proving with our own testimonies that a way home to freedom does indeed exist- and is accessible to ANYONE who is struggling with this cursed prison of substance abuse.

You are a light in the world, and you are letting your light shine in the darkness, and the darkness does not overcome it. You are overcoming darkness with light. I am proud of you, and I have committed to follow in your footsteps so to speak. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for leaving those breadcrumbs behind.

If you lead, others will follow. I would like my potential followers to be led to freedom as well, and my commitment is renewed each time I encounter a free woman or man. It is as a lighthouse beckoning in the night to ships that pass by in the ocean of life, "There is hope! This is the way. Walk in it." It is possible to be free! So glad to know you my friend! Sincerely, Glinda Gail

such good news lightbulb. thank you for the update. i know AA teaches us "anger is a luxury we cannot afford" but i read that differently perhaps. processing the anger and responding to it in a healthy way is how i've learned how to deal with my anger. you successfully did that too.

Thanks! Have a great day my friend.