[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

So dads a alcoholic and beenon crack/meth for 22 years, also dabbles with hallucinogens and basically anything he gets his hands on.

Moms an alcoholic, still, ever since I can remember. Any time I get a call from her after 9:30pm I know she's drunk. She also messes with pills coke etc but she doesn't think I know about the coke. She's so bad I had to literally hide (when I was 19 years old) a bottle of rush from her, she spent the entire night sniffing it, like 45 times before I took it from her. And she was doing this every night.

Anyways, so uncles aunts and all the family have addictive problems in some form. And until recently I thought I was the odd ball of the family since my only addiction seems to be cigarettes.

When I was 14-17 I drank frequently, vomiting type drunk, not able to walk and of course lots of bad things happened. But eventually I stopped all together, tired of the hang over and tired of putting myself in bad positions, I didn't look back, I was ok with stopping. I went a few years without drinking at all. Then slowly started again.

Now I drink when we go out, I'm a social drinker. My fiance plays music and when I watch his band perform it's almost certain I will drink. But since I have my daughter I don't go out much, maybe once a month.

So when I drink I get wasted. I don't really like to drink at all unless I'm going to get drunk. I'll either start the night and drink 1/2 a beer and not want to continue because I don't feel like getting drunk or I'll drink 8 beers and be hammered.

Now I'm a very happy, talkative, hyper drunk. I'm very shy and lazy when I'm not drinking so being drunk is like the oppisite of who I am but I like it. I didn't see an issue with this until a couple of nights ago. I remembered in my AA meetings I was forced into that they said if you were ever an alcoholic (and they considered me to be one at the time) you shouldn't drink at all, and if you drink to get wasted it shows you have a problem.

So I compared that to my life and lately, I've been in a bad funk, really bad anxiety which caused depression since my anxiety keeps me from doing anything I used to enjoy. And now I'm wanting to (but not nearly as much as I want to) drink and get drunk so I can be happy and have fun and be the life of the party again. Even wanting to drink alone, just to have motivation and feel...

And it worries me when I remember my AA meetings, I don't mess with drugs because I don't want to be like that part of my family, and I've seen the horror alcohol creates with certain people and although I'm not near that point yet, I worry I may one day be.

But like I said I have anxiety so maybe I'm just blowing this out of proportion? So I'm here hoping to get anyones ideas, thoughts or anything really... Am I messed up? Am I in danger of becoming my family? Or is is ok to get really drunk every now and then?

[johnf22881]

Some of what you say, about your family, sounds exactly like mine. I was so against drugs when I was in my teens, so I just drank to fit in. That turned into alcoholism with me and then when I got bored with that I turned to drugs. Addiction is addiction is addicton. I don't think "we" have a choice to control any part of any mind-altering substance. That being said, you can quickly turn into who you don't want to be and mess with what you don't want to (DRUGS). I don't think you are blowing this out of proportion...

[Leed]

It isn't how OFTEN you drink -- it's what it does to you, and how it changes you. The fact that you get "hammered" once a month isn't a good sign. And you say that when you're sober you're shy and lazy. When youj're drinking you're the exact opposite -- so the alcohol makes you someone that you aren't!

Just cause you drink once a month doesn't mean anything -- you could still cross that "invisible line" into alcoholism. No one knows when it could happen, or even IF it will happen, but given your background and the family, you're a prime candidate for alcoholism. If I were you, I wouldn't drink.

Just thought I'd give you a word of warning. Don't drink! God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

[madisgram]

first off my gigantic panic attacks stopped when i stopped drinking. my anxiety went away too. except i may have now normal anxiety that everyone gets from time to time. the more frequent anxiety you have is probably a result of drinking tho you say your drinking is not frequent. i used to drink more when i was anxiety ridden. i thought i was just nervous and a drink would calm me. this was my alcoholism calling me, driving me to drink.
also it isn't how often we drink but what effect we are seeking when we drink. what takes place when booze hits our lips. once this happens we are out of control. we aren't dictating the result, alcohol is.
there is a term also called binge drinking. one doesn't drink every day, there are spaces in time where one doesn't drink but when they do it's off to a destructive race.

Question: What Are the Symptoms of an Alcohol Problem?
Answer: Certain behaviors are known to be possible early signs of an alcohol problem. These include any established pattern of drinking, such as heavy regular alcohol consumption and/or frequent intoxication, which poses a high risk of future damage to physical or mental health and which places the drinker at risk of accidents, arrests, poor job performance or other social problems. Alcohol dependence, sometimes referred to as alcoholism , is the most severe type of alcohol problem and is characterized by three of seven symptoms experienced during a one year time period..
http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/faq/f/prob_faq3.htm

do you have 3 of these symptoms?

just your posting your concern here is a red light, imo. you may have alcohol dependance or have crossed that line into being an alcoholic. but only you tho can qualify yourself.
i am glad you are questioning your drinking.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Triggers

So, I'm kinda down in the dumps, some not so pleasant things have been happening they always do. And it's been a huge mess trying to get on meds (appointment Thursday though, crossing my fingers) and honestly I wish I was outgoing and fun to be around. People LOVE me when I'm drinking, many people have said they fell in love with me when I was drunk.

I have low self esteem and focus too much on everything around me and inside of me, and I'm working on this with lots of therapy but drinking seems to just kick it out of me for the night at least. Although often I wake up extremely embarrassed over my behavior the night before. While I don't go crazy taking clothes off or anything I make a fool of myself. I love myself at that point and love everyone around me.

And since right now I'm really down on myself, since I'm always stuck in my head, stuck with my anxiety and my overall unhappiness due to the events of the past year, I just want to be out of my head, I don't want to be me, I want to be the me that is happy outgoing and fun to be around. I want to feel the happiness that drinking seems to bring

But I went to the website provived (thank you) and did the test. I answered 9 out of the 20 wrong I guess as they say it's likely I need to see someone for my drinking. Says 3 or more shows signs of alcoholism and I got 9 so... I just don't like the idea of not being able to be that person any more.

I was a major "pot head" recently. I've smoked on and off for the last 11 years and the past 3 years I was heavy smoker. In three years I didn't go one day without smoking, often smoking a quarter of an ounce in a day. It originally (when I started back up 3 years ago) was for medicinal purposes, I have celiacs and lactose intollerance so I was always feeling sick and never able to have an appetite. So I was given marijuanna. But I got extreme with it. I liked changing my mind, being "mind altered" andyes I dabbled with hallucinogenics, often it was as mentioned above, something I decided when I was drinking or high. I guess I see why they can be gate ways (although I do believe marijuanna isn't bad, it's got many many many good components to it for many ill people, but I got out of hand and abused it) and the drugs ultimately caused a medical problem with me. I never went beyond marijuanna and mushrooms (once) acid(once) and ex (twice) but the result was a massive seizure that really tore me apart mentally. Swore off all drugs other than marijuanna. Then I had the second seizure and at first I didn't want to stop smoking but I did and haven't since June, and I don't really miss it, but yes I miss being in a different mind set, being less stressed and less anxious.

So I guess t was right, I've been self medicating with my mental issues all along, and now that I think about it, my urge to drink has increased since I stopped smoking marijuanna, perhaps it's trying to make up for the lack of marijuanna, my urge to drink that is.

I thought I was so much different than they are, thought they ran away from their problems and I didn't, but talking on here and evaluating myself (is what I've been fdoing on here) shows me I am very capeable and possibly on the way to becomming them as well...

The thought of never being able to drink and be that part of me again though, that worries me. Its about the only time I like everything about myself and am not critical of everything about me. The only time I feel I fit in is if I'm buzzed or beyond. That in itself lies the problem I suppose. I guess every addict has a similar story to how it started, being unhappy trying to fill some sort of void. With me it's trying to fill the self love that lacks in my life, trying to feel happiness, which is far away when I'm going through a lot.

Maybe thinking this over, hashing it out will also give me a better understanding of my father, I need it if there's ever a chance of me ever seeing him again (my choice not to)

Sorry to go on and on, you all have given me a great deal to think on and I really appreciate so many kind responses, sorry to hash it all out on here but this is my outlet, this and therapy but in therapy my t bash's on my parents and we don't really address my addictive issues. I'm afraid to. He works with my pdoc and she has thus far refused to give me anything more than hydroxizine for anxiety, fearing I will become addicted considering my teen issues, my previous pot use and my parents addictions. But I can see more and more where she's coming from.

Thank you again

[madisgram]

just a footmote on your last post, pfm. i would demand-if that's a good word-for your T to focus on your own concerns re your addiction. i went to AA but my T helped me work out all the stuff in paralell to AA. the combo really helped me get better faster. i hope you will attend some 12 step meetings. you need that support to help you stop drinking, imho.
your drinking history you've shared here are classic symptoms. some ppl think they are only good socially when they drink. some ppl run/escape from their life problems and numb those feelings with alcohol or drugs. some ppl have a dual diagnosis. i did. my bipolar kept me running back to alcohol so we had to treat both at the same time for success.
please know that if you get sober you will discover yourself again. you will find you can cope with life without self-medicating it away. you will be living your life. there's much for you to discover particularily since you've used/drank for so long. your family is your concern too but the most important person is YOU. they've made their choice. but your choice can be much better to live a fulfilling life. you will find hope, peace, serenity, joy, stability, etc if you get sober. it is a worthwhile way to live. far better than throwing away your life with booze. i'm speaking from my own experiences. the promises of AA assure us of wonderful things. i can promise to you these things will happen to you. how can i promise you that? because i and many others have had them all come true. life is beyond my imagination. so much joy! you deserve this joy too.

The Promises, that are read in many A.A. Meetings can be found on page 83-84, of the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous.

THE A.A. PROMISES

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and selfpity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.

[Leed]

Me too ~ I drank to hide from the pain. I drank to stop the anxiety and panic. I drank for all sorts of reasons. I drank because I was an alcoholic.

I came from parents who were alcoholics. My grandfather got me drunk for the first time at 2 1/2. I liked it. I kept begging him for more. I must have been an alcoholic then!

Many of us come from dysfunctional families and are dysfunctional ourselves. If we can first admit we have a problem, we're on the way to fixing the dysfunction in ourselves and becoming a more functional and sober member of society.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

So would it still be ok, if I only saved drinking for really special ocassions? Like when I go to concerts, or birthdays or something? It gives me anxiety thinking I can't drink like I like to...

[Leed]

NO! It would just start the whole ball rolling again. Any alcohol is going to start the abuse and the wanting to get smashed again. You won't be able to have just a social drink -- you will HAVE to get totally wasted!

So you'll end up ruining the birthdays, concerts, special occasions because you'll get snockered. One is too many and 100 isn't enough. It just won't work to TRY to drink socially -- or drink leisurely at home. You won't be able to do it.

JUST DON'T DRINK. And get some support and go to AA meetings where your anxiety will be helped immensely!! You will meet others just like YOU. They will tell their story, but you'll swear they're telling YOUR story. You will make life-long friends. They won't dump you either. They will give you their phone numbers for times when you're having trouble NOT picking up a drink. They'll help you thru that.

Please go to some meetings. If you don't like one meeting, find nother that you like better. But please go. Alcohol KILLS. It almost killed my son, who is right now recuperating from complete liver failure! He came within HOURS of dying -- but God saved him.

I wish you the very best -- and keep posting. We'll be here for you. Hugs, Lee