[thickntired]

Hello Friends,

I'm having a hardtime with my 4th step. I feel like it is not anyones business, especially the sex inventory WTH?! I have had past relations with men and women which I do not feel comfortable telling my sponsor. Also, I told her I would not make amends or list my part in the resentment I have against the pedophile that abused me. My sponsor said well for now that's ok, but you may relapse or carry a burden until you can forgive him - that is f'd up in my opinion. I said to her what if your kids were hurt, will you make amends and forvive the SOB? She just said well that would be hard and I'd have to pray on it.

I also made the mistake of opening up to some ppl in AA and now I'm being judged. When I told my sponsor I was bipolar she had trepidation about taking me on. Her friend with bipolar commited suicide, so now I don't want to tell her I've been suicidal.

Don't get me wrong - I love my sponsor and do not want to replace her, but I feel like she may fire me if she can't handle the truth about my past. And I don't know what is the point of dredging up all the past? Because of it I'm crying, depressed, and anxious. I don't want to go to as many meetings now bc I get depressed. I don't want to use, and I'm reading the AA material. But I don't say all the prayers every morning & call my sponsor once a week. I feel like she is playing the role of a pdoc and has absolutly no training. At first she got on to me about all the medication I take until she talked to her sponsor who said you're not a doctor thank God!!

Disillusioned & Sober,

TnT

Thickntired, you know that we agree with you about dredging up the past. If you feel in your heart that you have been forgiven for any role you might have had in the mistakes in your life, then I see absolutely no reason for you to have to discuss it with a sponsor or anyone else, for that matter. EVERYBODY makes mistakes; don't continue to judge yourself and don't tolerate the negative judgment of others about
mistakes in life.

You have been trying to enter a spiritual realm of living, and it forces you to face the fact that we are not God, do not have the right to judge ourselves, that we have been forgiven for our mistakes, and that we are responsible now for living by our deepest principles. Doing so will give us the peace and security we need.

Please let your sponsor know that you are living in the present and that you do not need to re-hash old things. St. Francis of Assisi prayed about his own mistakes in his life and finally realized that he had been forgiven and vowed never to talk about the past errors again. He was FREE, Thickntired, and so are you.

There's no reason for you not to be free, too. You've passed the most severe hurdles in leaving drugs behind. Let that do and continue to strive to live by the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous; that's the most positive effort you might wish to think about.

Disillusionment will pass as you continue your prayers and meeting with others who are devoted to living a personal, healthy life.

Sometimes things can feel a little like this: but it's all
part of learning who we are inside and how we're going to respond to
life and whatever is tossed at us. You will learn that some of the pricks
are designed to keep you humble and reliant on God, not people, for
your fullness of life.

Take care; others will be along to give helpful thoughts, I feel sure.

[madisgram]

thickntired, what happened to you is not your transgression. so many of us who've been abused feel as you do. and those in AA who judge you have no right to take your inventory. they need help. they need to look at their own self inventory.
my sponsor told me i never needed to divulge everything in the rooms. it would make me vulnerable to ppl like this. plus that i take meds. it is nobody's business.
i talked to my sponsor about not wanting to forgive him. she totally understood cuz she witnessed some of my abuse after it took place. it was brutal. she said pray and ask God to help that SOB.. unconventional, YES. she also suggested i ask God for the willingness to forgive him if it was possible. not to ask for my ability to forgive but for he willingness. does that help you in your situ?
i can't explain it but it made me get thru it. we possibly can forgive but never forget. in the BB it states this in chap.5 "to pray for those who have truly harmed us for they are TRULY sick." my paraphase. that sentence helped me also cuz he WAS sick! I had a few other words to describe him too. i included that in my prayer about him, SICK.
my take on your situ is this- pray for the willingness to forgive and let it go for now. in time you'll understand. this will not make you drink. we can't force feed our sponseses. i'm 24 yrs. sober so i feel i have some understanding on this. you also can seek outside professional help re this stumbling block. it doesn't have to be with your sponsor. the BB states that too.
and right now you do need to go to meetings to feel/be reminded of the spirituality you've learned. hold your head up high. your higher power is with you. you are not alone cuz you have HIM.
and remember you can seek outside help and also do your 4th AND 5TH outside of AA with someone you trust that will honor your privacy, like a doctor, clergyman, etc. i know many ppl who have chosen this path and stayed sober. the most important thing is just to do your 4th step and 5th. that is the purpose. to rid yourself of your liabilities and take your own inventory honestly with yourself and to tell it to one other person.
i hope my thoughts on this as a sponsor will help help you. BTW my sponsor just celebrated 56 yrs of sobriety. thank god i have her. she's walked with me every step of the way. such wisdom she has.

[avlady]

Hello Thickntired, I don't know much about AA although I attended a few meetings a long time ago. I don't drink anymore i's been over 15 years, I did it on my own for my son's sake. As to the 4th and 5th stage i don't know what it entails but i guess forgiveness. God is the one that forgives you and can't you just ask Him to forgive you? I'm writing here as I hope you don't give up on your success your having now. I'll congradulate you now on getting as far as you have. Please keep it up, it can be done and you can use me as an example. I'm sure you meet others at different stages in your recovery. I pray for you and get good vibes to go your way!!!Have a great day!!!

[Leed]

Madisgram is ABSOLUTELY right! I think your Sponsor needs to go thru the Steps again, and re-read the book of AA. She's got her thinking ALL WRONG. At this point in her recovery, she should NOT be a sponsor -- that's just MY opinion.

I made the mistake too of divulging something at the tables at a meeting and it got out on the "streets" and back to my family -- and caused some hurt. I never IMAGINED that people there would talk behind my back about serious issues such as that! But I was new and my sponsor hadn't told me yet about that kind of thing. I was hurt and angry -- and I confronted the people at the tables as a group and told them what I thought!!! I never made that mistake again. LOL

You don't have to divulge anything you don't want to.

God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[thickntired]

Thank you friends for the great replies!! I decided that I will go to a meeting tonight, and I finished my inventory. But I agree that it's between me and God for forgiveness of past transgressions. I like how AA works to make us better people, but I'm going to stop being open with the other newcomers. Their issues just blur my recovery and bipolar. I have never felt so exposed, but my sponsor tells me that step 5 releases us from all this emotional vomit aka step 4.

Peace & Hugs,

TnT
xxxooo