[desirae]

I did well for along time. I've always stayed off the hard stuff. Never again popped a bean, never tweaked, never again did I steal, lie, corrupt or completely dispose myself as a human being and young woman to get high again. But I will admit that I feel drugs such as pot and beer on an occasion is not a bog deal. Like right now I'm totally buzzed from drinking. It's been forever and a day since a drank, so 3 beers and my head feels heavy. IDK, I know what I'm doing, I know for the behalf of my sobriety I'm failing, but I feel great. I feel as though, I have complete control over this. I know I hate the taste of nasty beer.....so I don't have a problem. I guess I'm just scared of what some may think...confused at this point.

[shadowalker164]

You realize that 90+% of the population can drink safely, and they can smoke a joint without a disaster befalling them as well. I envy them. I suppose I was one of them at some point in my past. I remember being in control of my imbibing.

But for me to think that yesteryear is now would be a very big mistake for me. I figure I could have 3 beers and be OK with that the first time out. Maybe even control it a bit longer than that, but I know me. And I know that when I am controlling my drinking, it isn’t much fun. And when I am not trying to control it at all, drinking as much as I really want to do, then and only then is it fun.

But here I am, posting on a recovery site. It wasn’t much fun in the end. None of us get to places like this while it is still fun, the fun in my drinking wore off some time ago. A came to places like this to make the pain stop.

Desirae… why did you show up here the first time? What was going on in your life that caused you to look in places like this for something different? I got no crystal ball, but I will bet you that sooner than later, all those things that sent you here will reassert themselves again.

It takes what it takes.

Your friend,
Richard

What fight are you losing?

You said:

> I did well for along time. I've always stayed off the hard stuff. Never again popped a bean, never tweaked, never again did I steal, lie, corrupt or completely dispose myself as a human being and young woman to get high again.

So I'm a little confused. Did you get back on the hard stuff? Did you pop a bean? Tweak? Steal? Lie? Corrupt? Completely dispose yourself as a human being and young woman to get high?

Are you freaking about a little pot and alchohol usage?
Some people have trouble with pot and / or alchohol.
If they use some... They get the urge to use more... And more... And more... And they end up lying and stealing and so on and so forth to get more... You don't do that with alchohol and pot, do you?

Only you know whether alchohol and pot usage is a problem in your life. If you use occasionally... And enjoy it... Then it is probably okay.

If using it makes you crave it and that craving isn't so pleasant then it probably isn't worth it to use it.

You say:

> I don't have a problem. I guess I'm just scared of what some may think...confused at this point.

The AA / NA 'party line' can be that one must remain completely abstinent of every substance or one has failed. Personally... I think that while that might be the case for some people... Every individual is different. Are you worried that other people will think you have failed because you choose to use alchohol / pot occasionally?

How much of your guilt... Is down to what others might be thinking... And how much of your guilt... Is that you are worried your pot / alchohol usage is / might become out of control?

Sometimes people worrying about us makes us worry too whereas if they don't express their worry and if they just left us alone we would do fine.

I use occasionally. Speed and opiates and LSD and mushies and pot and alchohol. But it is occasional. Maybe... 4 times a year of the hard stuff. Other people find that if they try... The cravings just aren't worth it. You need to figure what is right for you.

[ster]

I can understand feeling good right now being buzzed. It may come back to bite you when you sober up or straighted up. remember alsohol is cunning baffaling and powerful. I wish you the best of times

[desirae]

I think what others may think may alter the way I deal with the guilt of smoking and drinking. I also think it's true that some may be affected drastically by a joint or a beer, but for others it may not be that big of a deal. I remember back in my using days alcohol was also a huge part of my life, and thanks to being drunk and passing out many times, I think horrible things may have happened to me and I don't remember. I can never really tell for sure. Plus I was in a hospital for four days for almost killing myself from alcohol poisoning. I was found in a bath tub (I was 14) covered in my own vomit and my lips were blue. I was choking on my own vomit and almost suffocated. Plus the hang over incident in the court house bathroom that led me to the beginning mf my lock up years. I know for a fact alcohol was a problem for me. But ever since the alcohol poisoning I never drank nearly as bad as I used to. I haven't drank liquor since then, just beer.....nasty beer.

I think the reason I feel as though I'm losing is because of gained control over all this....weed, beer, the soft stuff and the hard stuff, for a very long time. I felt no need to euphorically be high and be stoned in order to have a good laugh. Now it seems I'm only extra happy and giddy, playful with my kids, when I'm stoned. My husband and I started off smoking maybe a 30 once a month. Now it's gone to a 30 every week, which is very costly.

Marijuana is not physically addictive, and to be honest, it's not much of a mental addiction either. Cigarettes are more powerful then pot. But feeling pathetic and allowing the fact that in order to feel alive I need to be stoned. In order for a walk down to the library to be interesting I need to be stoned, and in order for music to sound extra aesthetic I need to be stoned. Maybe it has nothing to do with pot and the high, maybe it's my sadness on the other side that feels the need to get stoned.

That;s why I feel like a loser in this fight, I used to be strong.

i see. sounds to me like you are starting to think that your pot usage might be starting to be a problem in your life:

> Now it seems I'm only extra happy and giddy, playful with my kids, when I'm stoned.
> My husband and I started off smoking maybe a 30 once a month. Now it's gone to a 30 every week, which is very costly.
> in order to feel alive I need to be stoned. In order for a walk down to the library to be interesting I need to be stoned, and in order for music to sound extra aesthetic I need to be stoned.

Sounds like you use kind of as an escape / enhancement to life. When it becomes a habitual way of coping / dealing with life... Then it can start to be a problem, yeah.

I think there is a difference between using occasionally. Using socially. Using small amounts to medicate for sleep... And using habitually as a coping strategy or using just to get through the day to day stuff. But that is a distinction I've drawn for myself. You might be able to draw a better one for you.

> Maybe it has nothing to do with pot and the high, maybe it's my sadness on the other side that feels the need to get stoned.

Yeah. For me it was about numbing some of the unpleasant feelings... I used to escape some of those feelings... I'd get high and feel numb and / or good.

But as a long term strategy... I think the pot dulled my emotions so that I couldn't enjoy life anymore unless I was really very stoned. I guess it is similar to how benzos can have a useful anti-anxiety (or sadness) affect when used occasionally in moderate dosages or how they can come to control your life as you build up a tolerance and need more and more as they become your habitual way of getting through the day.

Hardest time is when you only just stop... While your body is detoxing.

> That;s why I feel like a loser in this fight, I used to be strong.

You aren't a loser sweetie. I think you are a winner for seriously thinking / having seriously thought about this.

Are you in councelling? Maybe it would help to talk about some of the pain? Some of the stuff you are distracting yourself from? Other ways of coping too...

[Tigerlilly]

Well, each person is diferent, and each recovery is different. I'm just an addict. I kicked cocaine on my own. I've cut alcohol to respectable consumption, but it all came back to bite me in the *****. I drink a bottle of wine (or more) a day and take Valium on top of that. I'm in deep doo-doo. I know that, but there are also times when I feel Ok about losing by battle. One glass of wine 3x a week turned into 3 glasses of wine 7x a week, and now, I get so messed up on alcohol and Valium, I wonder if I'm going to wake up in the morning. I get *that* messed up. I don't know if I'm going to O.D. and at the time, I don't really even care, I just want that high, then I want to pass out.
I'm not saying your life is going to end up like this, but I didn't start out like this. I know I'll find a way to become addictied to a drug, any drug, if I have it in my possession without restriction long enough because I'm a druggie and a drunk. It hurts like hell to say it, think it, especially BE it, but it's true.
It doesn't matter *what* I've overcome, and I've done ALOT of drugs. I'm an addict and an active one. I will substitute another substance for the "bad" substance, and think I've got control. Oh, and I will have control...for a while. That's the evil of addiction.
I hope you can go back to enjoying 3 beers, and maybe you can, but I have to drink an entire bottle of wine every night because I thought I could go back to drinking a little wine. Just be careful. I'm in an awful way and you don't want to be here.

[mlyn]

LOL h ard stuff is to each their own if you did not know that

[mlyn]

srry not making light of it

[mlyn]

if you are ok with the loss then that will be where you are. It is what it is.

[mlyn]

reasoning is yours no one elses.