[Eva2121]

Hii
A year ago my addiction to self harm has started. It started off with a few scratches but it quickly escalated to big wounds and now scars. Cutting became my only refuge, the only way I could vent, the only method to punish myself for being so worthless. Everything would make me cut, everytime I'm upset and even sometimes I had to cut just to feel sane. As much as it made me momentarily feel better, I hated it. It made me feel so selfish, I hated myself and it had its ways of making me feel guilty of abusing my own body. I tried to stop. Sometimes weeks would pass without me cutting but then something would happen and I'd relapse again. It was an ongoing cycle. I just lost hope and faith in myself...why try when I know I'm gonna fail eveytime
Now 4 months (4 very hard deprived months) have passed without me cutting. I've turned to other methods like rubber band on the wrist and drawing cuts on my arm (yes I was that desperate). But a few weeks ago I relapsed and ever since that time I let go of every ounce of strength I put into trying to stop. Now the urges are frequent and I can't seem to do anything to distract myself anymore. I don't know what to do and I'm scared. I don't want to let my best friend down..I promised id stop after he noticed the cuts but now I can't even look into his eyes without feeling guilty. He was one of my main incentives and now I even let that go.

[ThisWayOut]

you can always try again. it's never too late to try again. do you have other supports? The longest I've gone was 1 year and 7 months... then I slipped. now I'm working to build up my days without. it can be quite a challenge. ((hugs))
are you in therapy for it? that might be helpful. Also, other means of expression might be a way to ease out of it. Let yourself be supported through this though. I know it's hard (I struggle with that myself), but letting others know when you are struggling can be helpful. If nothing else, they can lend and ear or a hand or a hug...

[Eva2121]

Originally Posted by MdngtRain

you can always try again. it's never too late to try again. do you have other supports? The longest I've gone was 1 year and 7 months... then I slipped. now I'm working to build up my days without. it can be quite a challenge. ((hugs))
are you in therapy for it? that might be helpful. Also, other means of expression might be a way to ease out of it. Let yourself be supported through this though. I know it's hard (I struggle with that myself), but letting others know when you are struggling can be helpful. If nothing else, they can lend and ear or a hand or a hug...

I actually wouldn't have been able to improve without the support of a friend of mine...so you're absolutely right. I guess ill be trying again even though I'm tired and emotionally worn out. I don't want to go to therapy because I don't want anyone to know about my problem..them knowing about it would just make everything worse.
I know it's very frustrating to slip...especially after a long period of time. But you did it once you could do it again, and I hope this time it lasts longer. Take care of yourself

[hamster-bamster]

This is a very serious issue for which you DO need professional support. What you have been doing so far has not been terribly successful, and you do need somebody who knows how to deal with such deep problems to help you. There is just no point in suffering the way you have been suffering. You are mentioning feeling worthless and self-hatred - all of those issues need to be handled. Abstaining from cutting is unproductive because you cut in response to your emotional issues, and without removing the emotional issues, you would relapse, so there is no point in hiding and you should seek therapy and, when interviewing prospective therapists, you should make sure to ask them about their expertise in your particular problems.

Good luck!

I agree! You need to find a good therapist who can help you through whatever it is that's making you feel worthless and feel like you need to cut yourself. Never, ever give up!

Goodluck, I battled with an addiction to SI too. No one ever takes me seriously when I say it was the hardest addiction to stop. Cigarettes and alcohol were a walk in the park after that! Keep trying, the longer you stop for the less you think about it. Its been a few years since I was doing it regularly and I do have slip ups from time to time but they are much easier to get over now. It does get better hang in there, do it for your best friend if not for yourself.

[waggiedog]

Originally Posted by Eva2121

Hii
A year ago my addiction to self harm has started. It started off with a few scratches but it quickly escalated to big wounds and now scars. Cutting became my only refuge, the only way I could vent, the only method to punish myself for being so worthless. Everything would make me cut, everytime I'm upset and even sometimes I had to cut just to feel sane. As much as it made me momentarily feel better, I hated it. It made me feel so selfish, I hated myself and it had its ways of making me feel guilty of abusing my own body. I tried to stop. Sometimes weeks would pass without me cutting but then something would happen and I'd relapse again. It was an ongoing cycle. I just lost hope and faith in myself...why try when I know I'm gonna fail eveytime
Now 4 months (4 very hard deprived months) have passed without me cutting. I've turned to other methods like rubber band on the wrist and drawing cuts on my arm (yes I was that desperate). But a few weeks ago I relapsed and ever since that time I let go of every ounce of strength I put into trying to stop. Now the urges are frequent and I can't seem to do anything to distract myself anymore. I don't know what to do and I'm scared. I don't want to let my best friend down..I promised id stop after he noticed the cuts but now I can't even look into his eyes without feeling guilty. He was one of my main incentives and now I even let that go.

Oh I soo identify with everything you have said, your plight and how you continue to struggle. Since my Psych Dr started meds to help treat my BPD and subsequent moof disorders, the self harm (cutting) has actually stoped. However I don't know if this will continue as the thoughts/urges are becoming more and more. The self harm is always also accompined by over the counter drug addiction, pretty much a mess all round. I need now to find the place to talk about my drug of choice issues (codeine derivitives). Hope to see you around here and follow your progress. BIG HUGS. XXXX

How are you doing now? Hope you've managed to keep fighting off the urges.

[bigt777]

I get you. I haven't SI for about 3 yrs but it's a journey to help you recover.
when I started I was 14 and no one knew till I had a nervous breakdown at age 16 1/2.
I secretly SI for 2 1/2 yrs but it leads to a horrible path of lies and inner pain.
I had a HUGE nervous breakdown at age 16!! Not a good thing when dealing with SI.
I ask you to seek professional help as well as making your family a support system.
My mom was an angel to me and got me good help.
People who are addicted to SI are usually diagnosed with a personality disorder
and BPD or major depression.
Medication helps even if it sounds cliche.

I'll pray for you...
I really hope you get help before a more worst thing happens.

[Yobeth]

Any advice how I can throw out the item I use to SI? My T wants me to just throw it away. I can't. Need advice how to do this. Thanks!

[lightedcandle]

Very powerful post you have here. I'll be honest, I had the same problem when I was in middle school. It was really hard to tell people that it was an addiction, to feel the pain (like I'm punishing myself) and feel something real.
Congrats on getting through four months though. That's tough and I'm hopeful for you to have made it that far. Relapsing is normal and sometimes you're going to have many of them. Just have to keep in mind what you're looking for. Ask yourself why you're cutting and ask yourself why you want to stop. In my case it was a really stupid deal I made with myself: LC, you're never gonna feel real happiness until you stop cutting. Then it was one day at a time. Soon it became one week then one month and I have hardly felt the need to do it since.
Just one day at a time man...that's all you can do. And keep reminding yourself why you want to stop and make sure the reasons are yours and not to please other people.

Best wishes for you.

Originally Posted by Eva2121

Hii
A year ago my addiction to self harm has started. It started off with a few scratches but it quickly escalated to big wounds and now scars. Cutting became my only refuge, the only way I could vent, the only method to punish myself for being so worthless. Everything would make me cut, everytime I'm upset and even sometimes I had to cut just to feel sane. As much as it made me momentarily feel better, I hated it. It made me feel so selfish, I hated myself and it had its ways of making me feel guilty of abusing my own body. I tried to stop. Sometimes weeks would pass without me cutting but then something would happen and I'd relapse again. It was an ongoing cycle. I just lost hope and faith in myself...why try when I know I'm gonna fail eveytime
Now 4 months (4 very hard deprived months) have passed without me cutting. I've turned to other methods like rubber band on the wrist and drawing cuts on my arm (yes I was that desperate). But a few weeks ago I relapsed and ever since that time I let go of every ounce of strength I put into trying to stop. Now the urges are frequent and I can't seem to do anything to distract myself anymore. I don't know what to do and I'm scared. I don't want to let my best friend down..I promised id stop after he noticed the cuts but now I can't even look into his eyes without feeling guilty. He was one of my main incentives and now I even let that go.

[wisedude]

I think you need to not use the language "addiction" and "relapse". It is a maladaptive coping mechanism. You can't cope with your emotions and stress, so this is what you do.

The very fact that you consider you "relapsed" like a drug addict, has caused you so much guilt that you are further self harming. Can't you see how viewing it in this manner is not constructive but is aggravating your problem?

If you have BPD, there are some specific types of therapy which may be of assistance. You need to train yourself to use other methods to deal with your emotions, and learn methods to dissipate building emotions before they result in a crisis.

I used to self harm- severely. My whole body is covered in MASSIVE, GROSS scars, several hundred of them, everywhere except my head. I won't go into more graphic detail, but I have numerous operations and surgery due to damage. So I know a little about this issue.

I have not self harmed in over a decade.

You also seem to suffer a lot of guilty, your own guilt towards self harming is triggering further self harm.

Please see a professional therapist.