desperately want to curl up and never move

I am just exhausted. i have a hangover. again. in fact its possible im still drunk though that would be weird because i stopped drinking over twelve hours ago. i think.

i dont know if i have a problem or not but i certainly know im using alcohol for something i shouldnt be. i have blackouts quite a bit and once theres alcohol around its almost impossible most of the time for me to even remember that saying no is a possibility.

this morning like so many mornings i feel like im barely hanging on by my fingertips. i just want to let go and sob and crumble and i cant because i have to get up, shower, go to lectures, pretend to be normal. i even have a T appointment this evening and i just cant face telling her i blacked out again. i already feel like cr*p about how much ive told her about my drinking. if i keep being honest instead of covering up like my instincts are screaming to do im afraid i might not have the courage to go back.

how do you even get to the point where you want to give up? i cant seem to cut back. it just doesnt work because if i dont drink for a while then i just end up overdoing it when i do have a glass again. i want to have some control over this because i simply can not imagine how i could live my life if i could never drink again. i have problems socialising and getting to know people anyway so without a drink i think i would just have to give up even trying. i think i would just curl up and die. how illogical is that?! lol. and yet it feels real.

so basically i have a question. how do i get to the point of wanting to give it up and how is it possible to function and go out and meet and talk to people without drinking?? thank you for reading this pathetic drivel. all thoughts are appreciated.

biiv.this is a post that is difficult for me to reply to beacause i can understand some of your reasons for wanting to drink and it also seems you have a relativley low tolerance to the stufff also.I Allways and i wont lie here,because i love my support group.but i allways drink too mutch if i go out with a group of freinds.so in would wait until later on tonight.before you even think about going out

Bily;
For what it is worth, you are asking the right questions.
My name is Richard and I am an alcoholic.

And I quote:
“how do you even get to the point where you want to give up?”
Pain will do it! Pain is the great motivator. If anything will get you to the jumping off point, it will be the kind of deep mental and spiritual pain you described when you said, “i feel like im barely hanging on by my fingertips”

You also said, “i simply can not imagine how i could live my life if i could never drink again.”
Bily for most of us, not only did we not imagine how we could live without alcohol, in the end, we couldn’t imagine living with it either.

But there is good news and there is bad news.
No matter how bad things are now, if you keep drinking, in a few years, you will look back on what’s going on in your life right now and you will call it the good old days. I guarantee you active alcoholism NEVER gets better on it’s own. It only gets worse.

Look at you own drinking career, it used to be fun, a choice you made, Now it is an obsession you can not control. Understand this Bily, you have no real control over your drinking any more. You, like so many of us have crossed that invisible line. We, all of us, are powerless over alcohol.

Yet the desperation you are feeling now is a good thing, it is your catalyst for change.

Use it!

Find an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, I will bet you there is one at the university you are attending. There you will find other people who drank just like you do, and are living a sane, sober and happy life. Stick around them, do what they did, and get what they got.

Of course, your other option is to keep drinking, and getting what you are getting now. It seems like a no brainer to me.

Richard

I can usually never add to what Richard writes, but the one thing he forgot at the end of this sentance, "Of course, your other option is to keep drinking, and getting what you are getting now" is this, "OR DIE". There's an oldtimer at my meetings who I absolutely love, and none of us is satisfied when he shares unless he says the line he's known for: "you can either keep coming to meetings and do the work or you can go out and die, it's that simple." Alcoholics who don't get sober die. We all die, you may say. I for one, chose not to die from alcoholism, and chose to live out my days sober and happy. Sobriety is simply a choice. The red pill or the blue pill, if you will. Which will you choose?

thank you all for replying. yesterday was really difficult. dying was not seeming like the worst option actually! (im not suicidal though). i still feel just in bits today. like im just going to shatter if i have to struggle through one more thing. i told my T though and she was so so kind. she did ask if i thought i had a problem with alcohol and asked if theres any alcoholism in my family (which there is) but she makes me feel safe and thats so incredible. she said to focus on one thing at a time and shes right. tomorrow i have an appointment with a pdoc to 'rule out' an eating disorder. im kinda terrified and thats enough for me to focus on right now.
thank you all again for your comments.
biiv