no drug of choice, just anything but myself.

i have never been a part of anything like this before. I suppose i have just exhausted every outlet i have. Im 30. i have everything anyone could ever ask for. perfect family. well paying job that challenges me. an angel for a wife. the best of friends. yet the worst part of my day, every day, is the very moment i open my eyes and realize that i have to do it again for another day. Anytime i have no responsibilities, i drink and drug. i havent had a sober day in years.... and i mean years. when i try not to do drugs, i drink. when i try not to drink and do drugs i resort to things that normally arent considered typical drugs. Ill smash down cough syrup on a monday. Ill suck the fumes out of an air freshener. ill steal pain medication from a dying family member. i have become fully engulfed im myself and how i feel. everything else has faded away. i go through ups and downs, however this is as bad as i have ever been and i keep coming to the conclusion that i may actually be a better friend, husband, and loved one if i was gone. they wouldn thave to suffer along my side. when i feel like me, i want out. when i step out of mind, i feel better but dread coming down cause i know who ill come down to inevitably be. i dont want advice. i dont want help. i want someone to say that they KNOW WHAT THIS FEELS LIKE. i want to talk. i want to listen to someone say something remotely close to what im feeling. i dont want to feel alone.

I know what that feels like. I'm 59, male, married with children, job, drink and drug too. I come to the realization the reason I do what I do is for escape. I have to be the responsible one, the dependable one, my family is dependent me and mine is the only pay check coming in. I also struggle with depression and mood swings. I get tired and exhausted of being the strong one when some times I just feel like curling up in to the fetus position and giving up. I keep going for my family. At one time my drinking and drugs was out of hand. I started when I was 11, sniffing glue. I was on probation by the age of 12. Drinking, smoking, breaking in to stores with other losers like me. So drugs and alcohol is a very large part of me. That I am not willing to let go, it's my only escape. As I got older I found that balance and moderation applies to everything including my recreational activity. These days I have mellowed out a bit, slowed down on my drinking and drugs, but have not stopped. It's my opinion the reason a lot of people like us fail or end up dead is because we are told it must be one or the other, all or nothing, and it simply is not true. If you can find the balance, the moderation, you can continue being the family guy, dad, ideal worker. I think I deserve a little time out. I been thru all those meetings where they tell us we have a sickness, we must stop all together. I have never met a more depressing group in my life. They would sit there crying and having a pity party and confess their latest relapses. I'm sitting there, one who suffers from depression and other ills, and these folks were making me feel more ill. I wondered why bother if I'm just gonna relapse after relapse and keep coming here to cry and seek pity. These groups may work for some people who find the strength and support they desperately need. I'm happy for them. But for me I realized early on that's not me, never will be and guess what? I'm 59 and still here. Still crazy, still drinking still drugging but in moderation. I am a survivor and I like to believe I did it my way

Good luck to you! May you find your way too.

Hi. I can relate to how you feel. I started drinking and drugging at 12. I'd do anything and everything except I never tried needles. I've been to many rehabs but they didn't help bc I didn't want to stop the self destructive path. I'm not currently under job stress but have been in the past and needed an escape. I'm going to disagree on the post above bc moderation always led back to abuse. I have an addictive personality which can never moderate. I am on the outer fringes of AA and agree that it can be like a cult and is never a place for mental health advice. But it helped me to meet ppl who can relate to and my sponsor is bipolar. I don't have all the answers. I got clean bc my husband hated my pot smoking but now I'm a year clean and he's a functioning alcoholic. But I don't want to go back to the self bondage of addiction no matter how much he drinks and keeps booze in the house. If you don't like AA rational recovery is good they don't believe ppl have no control over addiction. And this website

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/

PM me anytime.

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I started getting infatuated with drugs around the age of 11... Started doing them a year later until I too was engulfed in them and there felt like no escape. I'm not going to pretend like I know what your going through, everybody's story is different - but congratulations for reaching out. That takes a big person. I know what it's like to feel hopeless. After I got out of rehab, my whole thinking process was back. I was hiding pills and saving them for later, stealing cough syrup and lying about it. I kept a lot to myself, which I had sworn I was done with. But it did get better, and I'm sober now. I wish you the best of luck, and if you want to talk, you can message me.

I don't know if I find strength or sadness in discovering that I'm not alone in my struggles. If others share my reality, I get this sense that they understand me more... and yet the confirmation bias blinds me into thinking that what I'm feeling is more common than what I should accept. So here's something a little different (if it's not helpful, it's at least something to think about)...
Last summer, a documentary-film called Blackfish was released (it's excellent, even for those who don't enjoy documentaries) and reintroduced a pretty simple idea. This idea is based on freedom, but in every sense of its definition: captivity kills.
Blackfish explores the lives of killer whales, apex mammals that are actually considered to be highly intelligent and have stimulating social lives. More specifically, the film has us look at what happens when a killer whale is forced to live a captive life (2/3 of it sedentary and in darkness... sound familiar?) for the sake of human entertainment.
Animal activist alarms aside, amazing parallels can be drawn between human and orca lives. We are also apex predators and mammals. We also live highly socialized lives. Both orcas and humans have their own varying 'cultures' and 'dialects'. There are systems of inheritance and senses of family among both species.
When a killer whale is raised in captivity, it becomes psychologically traumatized (stemming from its removal from the original habitat), under-stimulated, under-exercised, self-harming, unpredictably aggressive, depressed (visible in behavior and vocalization patterns), and live much shorter lives.
So, what about us? For the most part, we live contained lives and perform tricks (i.e. jobs, daily monotonous tasks, duties) on command. We are under-exercised, depressed, and self-harming, as a species. Are we living captive lives? Are we the ones keeping ourselves captive?? No wonder so many of us seek escapism through drugs and alcohol, whatever form they come in.

Drinking and drugs were/are my captors. Addiction is my life as a captive.

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