Addiction Making Depression Worse

I have had what some would call a drinking problem for quite some time now, it started when I was about 17 and now at 23, I am beginning to feel helpless. I drink once or twice a week, always on weekends. When I drink I black out, this happens more often than not. When I drink I also get into other substances. When I'm sober I have no desire for these substances, but the second I start drinking I feel the itch and eventually make the call - regardless of costs, ect. I don't even know why I do drink anymore, the morning after I feel so much regret from the embarrassing things I may or may not have done (I usually can't remember) to the point where i literally want to disappear from the earth. I also recall an overwhelming feeling of being 'alone' when I drink, regardless of the company around me.

I have suicidal thoughts sometimes, when I'm in these dark places after a night of blacking out. But I don't think I would ever act on them, because it would devastate my family.

I feel depressed and unmotivated in my life. I have no desire to DO anything, nothing really interests me - in terms of actual careers. And I feel an unbelievable amount of social paranoia and anxiety, like everyone knows what a scum bag I am.

For example, this past Saturday all morning I mentally told myself to not get too drunk tonight. I started drinking around 4pm and finished about 20 beers by 11pm, somewhere in this time I called for substances and picked them up. I have no idea how I payed or if I payed. The rest of the night is a blur, with no recollection of things I did or said. I woke up Sunday morning wearing a different shirt, on backwards in a bed that I don't remember getting into. And for two-four days after this night I will feel guilty and embarrassed and want to disappear - think to myself that I need to make changes and that starting now I will improve. But like the vicious cycle it is, by this coming Friday I'll have mainly forgotten about the past weekend and I will do it all again.

I fear that quitting drinking will leave me with no social aspect to life. As my frequent friend group drinks often and I have alienated myself from other people I used to hang with.

All this negative feelings doesn't help my outlook on life. I find life scripted and boring, with no real point to it. Nothing here is permanent. The thought of this, and of death doesn't scare me - I just find myself wondering why prolong my pain? In hopes that I will find earthly peace? That I will find some calling and live a happy life? Go through this struggle just to die anyways at the end? Seems pointless.

I know I have a lot of subjects in here. I'm sorry for that. I just felt addictions was the best place to put it because I believe it is worsening my mental conditions. Hell, maybe it's even causing them.

Welcome to PC. You might check out the depression section too.

It is possible it is causing them. Or you are self medicating and you are finding that doesn't work. Or you are dual diagnosis like me and so many others. I started getting depressed and would not go out and hang out with friends when I was 13. At 14 I was drinking and smoking pot and was out with my friends every night. Drugs and alcohol worked for awhile until it didn't and I was left full of self loathing and depression. I was a black out drinker and the shame of it all was tearing me up. Two classic symptoms of an alcoholic are black outs and what is called the phenomenon of craving. Meaning that most of the time once I started drinking I could not stop. Get the pump primed and off we go until all the booze is gone and all the stores are closed. Then there is the mental obsession. Meaning by the next weekend when I was feeling good again I just could not stay away from that first drink. One is too many and one hundred is not enough. That last sentence sums it up pretty good. And oh yes, many other drugs went with it. Cocaine, Meth, it didn't matter. I can tell you I have been clean and sober for 19 years and have been treated for my depression for the same time. I won't tell you it is all a bed of roses but it is soooooo much better than it was then. I am very grateful for that.

It's generally a vicious cycle - "I drink because I feel depressed and I feel depressed because I drink."

Most people (IMO all people) with a drinking problem have a comorbid mental illness, be it transient or permanent.

The first place I went to when I thought I had a problem wasn't actually AA. It was therapy. Have you considered seeing a therapist?

How have you alienated yourself from your other group of friends? Can you reconnect with them? What about family?

When I graduated college, I was pretty unmotivated, completely lost, had no idea what to do with myself. That's when my real problems started. By the end, six years later, I was mostly binge drinking alone, isolating. I was in an awful, messy, black place. My best friend literally saved my life one night. I won't share the details. But when I woke up the next morning, I decided I was done with the pain. I wanted to live. Trust me, it wasn't as triumphant as it sounds. I was hungover as hell, full of shame, guilt, anxiety, remorse, sadness, and fear, but I knew I was done. I knew it was my last warning.

God, you sound just like I did back then, too: "Go through this struggle just to die anyways at the end? Seems pointless." I used to think the same thing all the time. I swear to you. I thought life was absurd. And I also swear to you it's not pointless. You have to find and create your own meaning from the struggle itself, and from your triumphs -- namely your triumphs over yourself. That's the point. Or one of the points, at least.