Boyfriend sober, but I feel left out.

Right now my boyfriend has about 50 days of sobriety and is doing a lot of AA meetings—he is so wrapped up in himself he does not ask about me. When he does ask, he “listens” for about 2 seconds and then goes back to talking about AA or himself. I know right now his recovery needs to be the focus of his life, but we are drifting apart a little because all we ever talk about is him and AA. I don’t do AA and sometimes I feel left out…not to mention he is not involved in my therapy or life at all. Even though I “know” intellectually he is doing what is right, I still feel a little lonely. I can’t invalidate those feelings or deny them—they are there, no matter how selfish they may be…sometimes he chooses AA over me. The most important thing in both of our lives is that he stay sober and he needs to do whatever it takes to do that—I know there will eventually be time for me in his thoughts and life—I just need to be patient.

Another aspect of this is…well, I have over 15 moths of sobriety and I, at one point in time was involved in AA. I know a lot about the program and sobriety. The first couple weeks he asked a lot of questions. Now, he kinda acts like he is the expert. Even if I try to be a part of the conversation, he just ignores me or does not listen…I never act like I know better and I never say anything negative about AA. I just try to be a part of his life and he in some ways pushes me away. He is bound and determined to do this on his own. He has no sponsor and has made up his own version of the steps…I am glad he is finding what is working for him—I just wish I was a part of it. I know I am a part by just listening…but, I don’t know, I feel like he might as well be talking to the cat—she would be about as involved in the conversation as I am. It is hard for me to write this because it makes me feel real selfish—I should just be happy he is sober.

you might want to start AA for you again you need support during this healing time too

is he in the 90 meetings in 90 days syndrome? i know one of my kids really got caught up in it and we listened, patiently, while she talked about AA nonstop.

i'd drop in on a meeting, as Angie suggested, myself and share a bit with him......xoxoxo pat

Sounds like he is doing the deal the EXACT right way. When we're newly sober, those of us who do AA tend to really plunge into the program, because we see how happy everyone is and we want that for ourselves. He sounds just like I was in the beginninng, and just like I still am. I still put my recovery ahead of everything, and do a lot of meetings. Does he have a bigbook? The book Alcoholics Anonymous? If so, I'd read the chapter on "To the Wives". You can also find it online.

This time is for him right now. He's early in sobriety to so he's going to be selfish. He NEEDS to be selfish until he gets his footing in sobriety.

Its totally normal for our friends who aren't in the program to feel left out. By offering your support to him, you'll feel more a part of his recovery. Offer to go to a meeting with him to support him. When he goes to get a 60 day chip, tell him you want to see that.

My ex was "normie". He drank a lot when he went out with his friends but he wasn't alcoholic. He went with me to a few meetings, but we didn't have a "connection" like those of us who are sober have with each other. He tried to be supportive, but I fell away from my program a bit to please him, and it led me to want to drink or die. So make sure he never feels guilty about going to meetings. If he's chosen this path for himself to stay sober, he needs all the support he can get.

Alanon might help too.

~Rayna

It's all about "balance" and it doesn't sound like your boyfriend is very balanced right now? I'm glad you recognize and are admitting to feeling left out; sorry you have to feel that way. Validate yourself, you are being left out. I hear you.