[sabby]

I came home from work and was exhausted, so I decided to treat myself to a bit of a nap. After about an hour, my oldest daughter ran upstairs to wake me because there were problems next door at my other daughter's apartment.

I jumped up and got dressed and went next door to find my youngest daughters boyfriend extremely wasted and the apartment in shambles!

There is a long history (3 years) of his issues. He just moved back in a week ago after being released from the local hospital's psych ward. He is an alcoholic/pill addict. He's stolen money, and lied like there is no tomorrow. I have tried to help my daughter be strong and stay away from this guy, but she keeps taking him back. When he is sober, he's a great guy and treats her like a queen.

Since my daughters' father is an alcoholic, I always hoped that they could learn from my mistakes. I've tried to teach them what to look for, and how to deal with it. It's breaking my heart to see my daughters involved with this situation. Not only are they involved, but my oldest daughter's son saw his "uncle" in handcuffs and being walked to the cruiser. This is NOT good for an 8 year old to see yet again. He has PTSD from seeing other's that he has loved in the same situations and hauled away.

Why or why can't my children understand that their choices not only affect them but others in their lives??? I sit here crying for the pain that my kids are going through. I blame myself for them being in this situation by having to live through it when they were young.

What is a mother to do in order to help them get past this kind of thing??? How do I stop the vicious circle that keeps turning and turning???

I'm fully aware of how a substance abuser mentally and emotionally creates a stronghold on the "one's they love". I know what the control is all about. I've explained to them time after time. We've had many heart to heart talks about what the warning signs are, and how to get out of the situtation.

I feel like such a failure. I've tried so hard to help my family and all I continue to see is the hurt and anguish that I try so hard to help them not get into. I try to teach them by example. I got out of my horrid marriage to an addict and I am not do not abuse alcohol (very rarely do I have a drink) and I certainly do not take pills or meds unless they are prescribed.

The hardest part is my grandson and his mental health. He has his own issues to deal with and now he sees one more man in his life that is hauled off in handcuffs and off to jail (his dad is an addict too and has no contact with him). This is breaking my heart into a million little pieces. He's only 8 years old and has seen way more in his short years than anyone should ever have to see in a lifetime.

I'm sorry if this post is all over the place. My emotions are all over the place right now and I'm not thinking clearly.

It's going to be a long night *sigh*

[Raynaadi]

Oooh (((((( Sabau )))))

I wish I knew what to say to help....the only thing I can think of is this is NOT your fault.

Often times, in co-dependant relationships, the person in the relationship with the addict/alcoholic is just as unreachable as the active addict/alcoholic. Your daughter is powerless over this guy and her attraction to him, just like you are powerless over her choices.....you've done everything you can and now she's on her path. Has she ever gone to Alanon? Have you ever gone to Alanon?

I am so sorry you're going through this....I really wish I knew what to say......parents who are reading? Any experience strength and hope?

Hang in there Sab and keep posting ok?

~Rayna

[bebop]

sab hon all you can do you have already done. I don't mean to sound cold and it is not meant that way at all. as adults we all have choices we can make. either way. good or bad. yes it hurts tremendously. we are human. you have raised them the best you can. just let them know you are there for them but you can't let this control you like it seems to be doing either. when they finally tire of the lifestyle like you did they will leave. I know I did and he was the love of my life. he is no longer with us due to his drinking and pill popping. so sad to see people we love destroy themselves like that. as for the child maybe you should contact childrens services. he does not need to be around all that. very damaging for a child. my thoughts are with you.

[sabby]

Thanks (((((((((Rayna))))))))))

Yes, you are so right about the co-dependent person being just as unreachable. She has been to Alanon meetings when she was a teen, but not for some time now. But you know, she knows all the signs, she knows what the scoop is. Just as I learned it all and taught her and her sister. And you are right, I am powerless over her choices as they are hers and not mine.

I think she is making headway in this situation though. She did really good at not accepting his excuses, not enabling him this time. She is trying hard, I just wish she could cut the heart strings that connect the two of them. As much as they love each other, it is such a destructive relationship.

Oh, and no I have never been to Alanon. Everything I learned about substance abuse came from my research over the years as well as personal experience. Not meaning that I was abusing substances...LOL.

Thanks hon for your support....I look up to you and your wisdom!

Hugssssssss
J

[sabby]

((((((((((((bebop))))))))))))))))))

I know in my heart you are absolutely right. Thank you for reminding me I guess I'm just so tired of picking up the pieces and trying to get them back into place again. It's the motherly/control freak part of me I guess. Since I couldn't control my ex, I put that control into other aspects of my life and my childrens'....bad on me I guess.

Thanks hon...I do so appreciate you!!

Hugssssss
J

((( sabau2 )))

The fact that you care so much for their safety and surival touches my heart.

I can relate to you feeling like you can't save them. I know the feeling all too well.

In the end they couldn't even save themselves. I still struggle with it.

I can also relate to your grandson. It happened to me too. I am petrified of police. But he has a better chance of coming through it in one piece becasue you have his best interest at heart. Because someone recognizes the damage that can be done. He is lucky to have you.

I didn't have that. It would've helped.

I'm a PM away if you ever need to talk about it.

((( HUGS )))

[bebop]

I think maybe that we as survivors of living with substance abusers have learned much. no we can't save them and to me that just stinks. I felt I had to be superwoman and found out I could not live up to that name either.

[sabby]

Dear (((((Petunia)))))

Thank you sweety. I'm so sorry you had to endure all that. I pray you are right about my grandson being able to process all the terrible things he has seen in the past. I'm sorry no one was there to help you through it. I'm here for you too if you ever want someone to listen...feel free to pm me

Hugssssssss
J

[sabby]

(((((bebop)))))

I can so relate to the "superwoman' syndrome!! I try so hard to remind myself that I'm only human and can only endure and give so much. It certainly is a struggle at times.

Hugssss
J

[bebop]

sab one thing I meant to tell is that I have 2 brothers. we were all raised the same way. I have one that is so different than the other 2 of us. he has these rages and drinks and into drugs. it amazes me and my other brother how different we all handle things. again I guess it is the choices though we make.

((( sabau )))

sabau, i highly recommend Al-Anon for you. i learned that i couldn't change anyone around but i could change the way i handled my emotions. and it is so hurtful for you right now, learning some more coping skills can't do anything but help.

i am so glad that you are there for your grandson. your daughter would also really benefit from Al-Anon and she might start going after she sees you go. i learned in Al-Anon that being a good example sometimes was all someone else needed to see to do some changing on their own.

my heart is with you. i've been there and it's a hellish road. xoxoxo pat

[sabby]

((((((((be, pet, fay))))))))))

Thanks so much

Pat, thanks for the push I'll definitely take your suggestion into consideration....you are right, learning more coping skills is never a bad thing!

xoxoxo
J

frequently when we change, it subtly forces people around us to change...........

[sabby]

Very true Pat, very true.

Hugssssssss
J