[Sparks33]

I've been a people pleasing perfectionist for as long as I can remember. Making others happy felt like my job as a kid and in all of my relationships. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't make people happy and I felt not good enough. Now I rarely try at what I do because I know nothing is perfect and if it's not perfect it's not good enough.

Sometimes I just snort meth in my room with the door closed. Then my home surroundings can be nearly perfect. All the clothes are hung up and folded, the bathroom is clean, the bed is perfectly made and the "To Do List" is written. I've stayed in the place for a year now and managed to work part time and maintain some connections when I don't recluse to my bedroom and shut the door.

I want help, but I put constituents on what help I want to accept. I fear loss more than anything and I fear rejection. I want to be free, but sometimes this place all alone is comfy. Sometimes this place all alone is the loneliest self dug pit and I summon up the courage to reach out, but then a week or two later I'm snorting lines again and the cycle continues.

What is wrong with me.

[healingme4me]

I forget where I heard or read it, was recently...loneliness is a huge contributor to depression and various other life struggles. That's what stood out to me, reading your post.

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[CANDC]

Welcome to Psych Central Sparks. Sorry to hear you are fighting to stay out of it but keep slipping back into addiction. Many people on PC have this same challenge. They deal with it in different ways.

Some try to get into a program or 12 step group to help them learn the hooks and unhook themself from addiction. Others find having a therapist or psychiatrist can help them with talk therapy or with meds to stabilize their emotions.

Some people become active participants, posting, reading and replying to other's posts and participating in the discussions in the forums. http://forums.psychcentral.com

Getting out of your own problems can help you rise above the levels of self preoccupation and start developing empathy for others.

Getting sleep may be the single one thing that keeps people in balance. If you are not sleeping contact your psychiatrist and tell him what is happening so they can make adjustments in meds.

There are articles that go into more detail about coping
Psych Central - Trusted mental health, depression, bipolar, ADHD & psychology information.

Please feel free to private message any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

[Moogieotter]

Hi Sparks,

Active addiction was miserable for me. I somehow found honesty within myself about it all that led me to finding relief. I hope you find a solution soon.

moogs

[RedEagle]

Originally Posted by Sparks33

I've been a people pleasing perfectionist for as long as I can remember. Making others happy felt like my job as a kid and in all of my relationships. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't make people happy and I felt not good enough. Now I rarely try at what I do because I know nothing is perfect and if it's not perfect it's not good enough.

I'm the same way except I was only assigned one person to make happy, but I also failed and began to see myself as inadequate. Most people wouldn't try to make a child responsible for an adult's emotional well-being as it's a pretty cruel thing to do and it doesn't work anyway (also it's the definition of emotional abuse). The adult has to be pretty desperate and needy so that they can't really think straight because they're just overwhelmed by unmet emotional needs.

[Jolisse]

I sometimes self medicate to stop my anxiety.

[f-weasel148]

Originally Posted by Sparks33

I've been a people pleasing perfectionist for as long as I can remember. Making others happy felt like my job as a kid and in all of my relationships. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't make people happy and I felt not good enough. Now I rarely try at what I do because I know nothing is perfect and if it's not perfect it's not good enough.

Sometimes I just snort meth in my room with the door closed. Then my home surroundings can be nearly perfect. All the clothes are hung up and folded, the bathroom is clean, the bed is perfectly made and the "To Do List" is written. I've stayed in the place for a year now and managed to work part time and maintain some connections when I don't recluse to my bedroom and shut the door.

I want help, but I put constituents on what help I want to accept. I fear loss more than anything and I fear rejection. I want to be free, but sometimes this place all alone is comfy. Sometimes this place all alone is the loneliest self dug pit and I summon up the courage to reach out, but then a week or two later I'm snorting lines again and the cycle continues.

What is wrong with me.

Oh, honey I'm sorry you feel that way. I know all about speed habits...I'm bipolar, and a lot of times when feeling real depressed I just want nothing but to get a little bit of mania again...and it always seems like the easiest solution is to go out and buy myself some ice. Get all my schoolwork done, and yeah clean the bathroom, and the kitchen. And it's so hard to resist that. Everything you feel is perfectly normal.

Are you seeing a professional about your problems? The problems you listed are the same problems that most people with a (meth)amphetamine problem have experienced their whole life. So you're not alone. You might need further treatment for things like depression. There's something there that can fixed by things other than methamphetamines. Even if it's simply a medication.

And don't isolate yourself socially. I always make sure I have at least a couple friends I can vent to about anything, especially friends that have dealt with substance problems but won't be bad influences. Try not to hang with people who might influence you in the wrong direction. And if nothing else, shoot me a PM anytime.

[RedEagle]

This article describes exactly what I experienced as a kid. Sounds like one of your parents may have been a Narcissist too.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...their-children

The real tragedy occurs behind closed doors at home, much like the process of physical abuse. The problem with being a child of a narcissist is that it takes these children so many years of frustration and anguish to figure out that Mom or Dad isn’t quite right; until that point, these children are merely dancing as fast as they can, trying to please the impossible-to-please narcissistic parent. It takes years to finally see that the type of parenting they’ve been receiving is wrong – if not emotionally abusive.

Because young kids can’t make accurate sense of the narcissist’s interpersonal tricks and stunts, these children internalize intense shame (‘I keep failing my Mom’) which leads to anger that the child turns on himself (‘I’m so stupid,’ ‘Something’s wrong with me’).

The child of the narcissist must cater to and keep their partner happy, even when that involves squashing her own needs and feelings.

[thecrankyone]

Please get some professional help. I lost someone important in my life because he self medicated his mental illness with meth (also booze and other drugs as well).

[whim]

I feel like your story is similar to what I am experiencing. I really try to please everyone, and then when I can't I feel horrible. When I don't succeed at being perfect I get so down, anxious, and feel so helpless. I feel like I have nothing to offer this world. I've slowly started self-medicating just to anestatize myself so I can stop hearing my critical thoughts telling me how bad a person I am and now getting into worse and worse things. I tried meth for the first time a few days ago. Thankfully I wasn't super amazed with it, but not feeling tired all the time was pleasant. I always swore I would never try meth because of how horrible it is for your body, bit as usual when feeling bad and just wanting my inner voice to shut up I don't listen to the parts of the voice that are healthy. I'm heading down a path to ruining everything in my life, but when in those moments I don't care about anything but getting peace.

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