Daily addiction check in #1

I thought I posted here earlier but I don't see it anywhere so here goes...

I don't know if I'm even really supposed to be in this forum.

See, I suffer from an eating disorder called Atypical Anorexia, and I'm recovered(ish)... but that eating disorder was there for a purpose and it left a hole. And lately I'm filling that hole with starvation and various street drugs. I don't know if I'm allowed to say which ones. Maybe that's why my post from earlier didn't show up.

Anyway, I feel like my problems aren't problems. Aren't real problems, anyway.

Just looking for someone who gets it.

JessLynn,
Starvation and street drugs are issues you should face and deal with for your own health and happiness, IMO. You are allowed to say what drugs here, but it doesn't make a lot of difference; addiction is addiction, physical or mental and everyone on this forum knows it well. Are you seeing a therapist or counselor?

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I was bored, so figured out how many seconds was in two years (I worked it out by hand, so you might want to check my math - if you care!). Two years = 63,072,000 seconds!!! Now that's REALLY amazing!

I am supposed to be seeing a counsellor and taking a DBT program soon but I have not heard much more about when it is starting, and I have never owned up to these issues to anyone.

I have gotten a lot more help since I started opening up to my care team. They are not there to judge and they have heard plenty of stories like yours and likely helped the people who opened up and told them. I won't lie; getting past the ideas of shame and guilt was hard, but it was worth it. People will help you get better, but only if they know what they can help you with. I still have plenty of flaws but I am getting better. It was worth getting past my fears and opening up.

I am so grateful to be sober today

I know precisely how you feel. There's one guy around the tables who always says, "It sure beats puking." Maybe not a new (or appropriate) line, but being mentally fit is surely a blessing after living in a fog for so many years.

My fog didn't lift when I quit for 18 months so I am not holding out much hope on that front. But I am in a good place with regard to mood these days and I think not having alcohol in the mix with my meds is a big part of that.

I'm not used to being in group setting where I might share the experience of being a bipolar drunk. In the meetings I've been there is a prevalent belief that mental illness is a symptom of issues related to alcoholism. They are intertwined for me. I lose my health I may lose my sobriety. I lose my sobriety, I may lose my health. Never done it but it's a concern. Thanks for being here

Both my t and pdoc see my drinking and using as self medicating. I chose my t because she has expertise in mood disorders and substance abuse. I had already stopped drinking and using when I started seeing her but it was very early in my sobriety. I was somewhat surprised when she tabled the substance abuse as an issue for now; she believes that helping me with coping skills for the ups and downs will reduce my likelihood of drinking or using more than attacking it directly as a primary problem. She believes it is secondary to mood.

We are all here struggling and sharing. Your contributions are also appreciated.

But I remember a TERRIBLE fog the day after downing a 12 pack...I have a little fogginess due to the bipolar occasionally, but nothing like that I suffered after drinking 12 beers the night before!!! For me there was no comparison!

Closer To The Mid, I can relate to some peoples' negative attitudes about mental illness. Some even go so far as to say most meds shouldn't be allowed if you're in the program (fortunately those folks are few). I started drinking & drugging before I was diagnosed bipolar, so I think I was self-medicating to some extent. If I hadn't been bipolar, I still think I would have been an alcoholic because of my family history. I hear what you're saying about sobriety & mental illness as being inter-related, though.

Being hung over definitely kicked the fog up a notch. The headache, queasiness and clouded thinking layered over the existing fog made me pretty useless. I don't think my fog is alcohol or drug related because I had not done drugs in a few years and wasn't drinking much when it rolled in. It seemed to come with a major depressive episode about 25 years ago and has never cleared.

I understand, UpDownAround. You wrote about this on another thread, I think. It sounds quite annoying, but at least your general mood is imporving due to some changes & your practice of CBT. Hopefully you don't have a permanent London Fog on the brain, & it will clear with the right combination of factors. Have you talked to your pdoc about a change in medications?

Yes, but she wants to go a month and make sure I stay happy with current meds as far as mood goes.

UpDownAround,
I remember the very first time I quit drinking, it took a full 9 months for the fog to clear enough for me to job hunt, and a full year before I felt semi normal without alcohol. Everyone's different - hopefully it will clear for you.

Day 19 here for me, and off to volunteer at the distress centre this afternoon.

splitimage

Pretty sure the fog wasn't caused by alcohol because of when it started.

19! You're on a roll!

Congrats on the 19 days, splits! You're sneaking up on a milestone (but I won't jinx you!). Thanks, too, for volunteering at the distress centre...it's a reminder that I should volunteer more.

Almost my bedtime... and you know what that means... I’ve gone a whole day without alcohol.

Way to go, Loial! As for today, 24 hours is all the rest of us have, too! Welcome to the club!

Good evening..

Yes, another sober and clean evening; that makes it a good one.

Another Sunday morning without a dire hangover or dense mental fog! It used to be a weekly ritual...not that it necessarily stopped me from drinking on nights other than Saturday.

The negative: I'm into week three of isolating & skipping my meetings. It's getting harder to leave the house & communicate, other than on the boards.

Once you have a long stretch of sobriety, I sometimes wonder if putting yourself in the company of short timers who are still wistfully talking about drinking/using is a good idea. Even at only 3 months, on a lot of days the only time I think anything about alcohol or drugs is when I come on this board.

The flip side is that you can help the folks just starting out and that the daily reminder could be helping me stay vigilant. When I have started back before, one of the things that makes me feel like I can handle it is that it has been a non issue that hasn't even crossed my mind in a while so I am obviously not under its grip.

Sneaking up on 100 days; Tuesday, I think.

I've been sober for quite a few years, & I find that reminding myself that I'm an alcoholic is a great help. In the past I had long stretches of sobriety, stopped going to meetings, thought I could handle it, & went back out. That's just my experience, however.

You should do whatever you feel is healthy for you, UpDownAround. Experience is sometimes a good teacher...but you mileage may vary. One thing I do know is that you'd be missed on this thread should you decide to stop posting. I know you're no fan of AA, but the first word of the first step is "We." The trite phrase which follows (& you might hate!) is, "We stay sober; I get drunk." That was just my experience, so please don't think I'm preaching...I hate it when people do that!

We'll celebrate when your looming 100 days arrives!

It might help more if we shared the stupid crap we did when drunk! I used to have blackouts so, mercifully, some of my more stupid moments are lost to the past. I cringe, however, when I remember how alcohol affected my actions, judgement, & caused the loss of treasured relationships (romantic & otherwise). Only about 1 in 5 of my drunen sprees ended in blackouts...So I do have a large body of stupid crap to remember!