[elevatedsoul]

what is life without this?
what other things in life do you enjoy....
what you supposed to do
i can't think of anything else...
how do you find something to like...
to find something that makes you feel better?
not these forbiddens.... why is it such a bad thing?
when you cant seem to think of anything else... not preocupied with the things...
but just cant think of anything else that you could possibly enjoy even a little...

did i kill myself inwardly years ago..?
you get used to the pain... its the pain that you cant get used to....
know what i mean - need a search party to go find the remnants, where are my likes and dislikes?
is there anybody there?

[Refuse2Sink]

I felt the exact. same. way when I got clean. ****, I still feel like that from time to time. For me, abstaining from the drugs was the easier part. The hardest part has been learning how to function in life as a sober person. Trying to figure out who the hell I am, because that damn sure wasn't me for ten years. It so hard because it's like you've been in a coma and now you have to learn how to do life all over again. I've been dealing with a lot of concern over how the hell I am supposed to ever be in a relationship again...I mean, I can't be with some normie, that doesn't get me at all and would never empathize with what I've been through, but I also can't be with someone that uses because then I would probably get sucked back into that life again. That's why I've been single for almost a year, since I got clean. I'm such a **** up that I don't even know what it will be like to have sex with someone when I'm sober, bc I was high for ten years. Ughhh. It's almost too much to think about. Lol. I know this was your post looking for some good advice, and I didn't really give any, I just vented! I'm sorry! I do have some good advice though; feel the pain. Feel the hurt. Cry if you have you. As addicts, we always want to kill the pain, what we don't realize is, feeling the pain makes us stronger and better people. As time goes on, you will understand what I mean...good luck to you, my friend!

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[Moogieotter]

Hang in there. Took me 2 years of really working recovery to find joy without. Now it's awesome!

moogs

[elevatedsoul]

iss your thread too.... vent onward

i used to admit it was a problem, but i abstained, i fixed, i learned patience and moderation, but now... through it all an being the only thing i grew up knowing to do... because i've been doing it more than half my life... at such a young age...

i dont know anything at all else.... so i guess maybe i still do have a problem....
but its just.... i didnt ask for it..... i have never really ever enjoyed any of it.....
but what i was supposed to do...? i saved myself from not breathing today....
but now i am breathing in a way that maybe isnt as good either....

dont get me wrong... i am still very sober compared to my past....
but im losing vision... losing reason.... desire.... whats the point....
everything hurts... everything hurts me.... and i just cant stand everything... because i just dont want to be here or something i guess.... just tired of pain...

but im supposed to be trying to think of somethings i like... anything outside of any type of substance... what is there..? i really cant see any benefit to anything.... everything just makes you feel bad anyway.... might as well block it all out with a bunch of alcohol and drugs for a little while and wake up so sick you musta keep going again....

sorry... brain isnt working well i guess im stressed out....
i just wanna quit trying to behave so bad and say F!232 it and omg im gonna get so trashed that the dumptrucks man cant take me out...

tired of feeling enormous pain and complete numb at same time.... stupid stupid stupid stupid... im going to break soon.... just keep holding on thinking doc can tell me something new... really starting to believe my doubts...

i sobered up very good for a year... what do i get...? symptoms will kill you dumby!!! why are you sober!!! grr.....

[Refuse2Sink]

I have found that the drugs were just a symptom of something much, much bigger. For me it was anxiety, depression, OCD, codependency, etc. I always tried to find anyway that I could to dull the pain and escape from my internal problems. I never wanted to deal with them. Now that I have started to deal with them, through therapy and a lot of deep soul searching, I have begun to work through my issues and I am much happier. Do you have a therapist?

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[elevatedsoul]

yeah i just resumed treatment and a new therapist so im gonna try to figure things out this time around hopefully..
my symptoms just seem to be causing a lot of issues right now or something... realization of how sick i am causing mental breakdown every second of the day or something
and alot of other things i guess...

its just driving me crazy to have this memory problem.. really makes you want to give up because just keep forgetting everything anyway...i dont even know whats goin on anymore, days, weeks, months, years are just bleeding together.. not because of the substances or whatever though... probably hasn't helped me with processing anything... but my mind seems to be turning on me as im realizing how bad things are.. not with the substances, just mentally...
its so confusing... whatever is happening to me...
just makes you want to turn it all off for a little while... but the little while turns into days, weeks.. then next thing you know you've been messed up for a few years thinkin to yourself wow i just prolonged it even more, totally isnt helping...

~ on the road again~

the ultimate fear presents itself, you are paralyzed.. just need to get it out of my head...
because the more its coming up the more im reverting to the old habbits, pretty much only other coping skill i have .. and i was doing so well, but now i feel it raging inside full blaze saying to me i need it, i cant do this, put this fire out, please...

i dont remember writing this thread but i just keep telling myself that everything will be ok, i just try to seesaw back and forth just enough to keep from going too far one way or the other until someone can throw me a rope...
keep trying to talk to the therapist... but i feel insane... and i think poking these things as much as i have been is just making everything worse

is it really such a bad thing to give yourself a little break from time to time..? when you are suffering the rest of the time..?
i dont know what life would be like without pain

[splitimage]

I drank hard to kill the pain and self medicate the mental illness for over 20 years. 11 years ago I tried to get sober for the first time - didn't take. Been in and out of recovery, rehabs, psych wards, ever since. I've messed up my brain bad.

Took me a long time to learn to function without alcohol. The first nine months I was sober I spent 2 months on a psych ward, then the next 7 months sitting on my couch staring out my window - forced myself to go out once a day to a Starbucks to get a coffee and a piece of cake, because I knew the cashier had to tell me to have a nice day.

Got some sober time and at 12 months got a job. Held it with a couple of minor relapses for 2 years, then got laid off in a restructuring. Lost it bad, relapsed bad, and been really struggling ever since.

Today is my 44 day sober. Longest I've been sober in about 18 months.

Somewhere a long the way I learned to knit - on one of my psych hospital admits. Now it keeps me sane. I can't knit and drink, and it helps me focus my mind. I'm not suggesting knitting solve everything, but a hobby can help. Is there something you've wanted to try?

I also play the harp. Again not something you can do when drinking. but even if you don't play an instrument, sometimes just blaring music helps, sometimes I listen to music deliberately that makes me cry, sometimes I listen to music that makes me dance. When I want music to make me keep going I listen to Springsteen.

My brain is finally starting to clear a little bit. Enough to know I want sobriety anyhow.

Hold on. Cry, Scream, Stomp your feet. Write your feelings, and tear it up. Do whatever it takes to not use.

Because it does get better.

splitimage