cant accept the fact that i struggle with substance abuse

despite the fact that therapists have told me i am a "user" i still dont accept it. i use drugs to cope. but i dont think im an addict? i want some other opinions. i would smoke weed every day for months in order to cope with my anxiety and depression. i went to a party and did molly and had a psychotic break for 3 days. i did acid a handful of time until i ended up having a seizure. these two experiences helped me learn to stay away from harder drugs. i still drink occasionally and smoke weed and take adderrall. i also take mucinex. i did amphetamine for like 4 days straight. ive tried other drugs but was never addicted. i still am in denial . i do all this to cope and just get out of my head...never for fun. sometimes i take one too many of my valium just to see if it will help more but that never gets me high because my tolerance (ive been taking it for a year for severe anxiety) i view it as just self medication though. which is still bad, i know...i dont want to stop because drugs are the only way for me to get out of my ****ing head. im 19...i think its normal for people my age to experiment with drugs?i know i have an addictive personality because its very hard for me to stop or think clearly before i want to use anything

any body there i m am a recovoirng drug addict who needs omeone to speak to

Hi,

Sorry you are struggling. I have lots to share. For now, I have one thing to consider: Is your lifestyle sustainable? How does the rent get paid and weed/drug habit get supported? On your present course, how long will this last?

Thanks.

moogs

i had a job and was making a little extra money. right now the situation has changed and im not working and havent in 3 weeks but im hopefully starting a new job soon. i know ive spent money on drugs when i dont have the means to honestly...but weve always got our bills paid

Why do you have to "accept" the "fact"? Let it just be what it is. So you use drugs to cope. There are other ways to cope and/or get rid of the anxiety and depression. The drugs aren't helping anything, are just adding stress (minimally) to whatever your original difficulties are. "Coping" is over-rated; start thinking about ways to get rid of the original problems so you don't need to "cope" at all.

Or, decide if you want to continuing coping with drugs or learn other ways. Instead of experimenting with drugs, do some experimenting with just letting the anxiety and depression be there. Experiment with doing things that make you anxious (talking to people, say) or starting a healthy habit/getting up the same time every morning and starting a routine with shower, breakfast, etc., for a week straight. Pretend you're a scientist and invent possibly healthy experiments to try on yourself; what does eating a good breakfast do for you, for example? What does walking around the block at Noon each day do? What do you "discover"? :-) Take your cell phone and take a single photograph a day to illustrate your day; make a list of what makes you anxious or depressed and get those things out of your head, onto paper where you can "see" them and devise ways to work on solving those "problems".

There's no point arguing with other people's opinions (with therapists' that you are a "user"). Just agree they see it that way and move forward. What if they're right? Pretend they're right? What change could happen? It does not seem to be working the way you are doing things now so "borrow" another person's point of view for awhile, see if their way of working might serve you better?

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

i honestly dont know. hopefully in school or just out of school. better than i am now.

Everyone who has had problems with substances has been where you've been. Moogie is asking good questions. Keep talking and sharing your thoughts!

Self-Medication or Self-Destruction? - Psychology Today Article

personality-pathways-to-addiction/

Have your therapists clearly defined what they think addictions are to you? I'd start from there. The second link is from the same author, I still don't understand what the addictive personality is, I need more reading on the subject. It's very light reading, you may not find it useful.

Limbic imperialism. This happens in everyone's mind, no exceptions. I'm liking this Marc guy.

thanks for those links i will read them asap!

Just from reading your post alone, it seems like you suffer from a lot of inner pain in which you're using drugs to cope. This is a problem. You may not be physically addicted to anything at the moment but you are still a drug abuser and your past with drugs is alarming. I think you need to heal from the inside first and learn to be comfortable with your sober self.

And I feel like a hypocrite because I'm still struggling too lol. So I get your pain. I know the need to just want to be numb. If you ever get urges and need someone to talk to then feel free to PM me. I'm here a lot and I'm here for support for anyone here that needs it.

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I agree with RxQueen^ You need to get to the root of what is really causing you to have those feelings and address it. Yes, that means seeing a doctor and yes that means coming clean about your habits and yes, depending on the doctor they will label you an "addiction risk" but you will feel sooooooo much better once someone else knows and once you have taken the steps to get help for yourself. I used to drink every night to relax and fall asleep. Dont let your doctor/NP/med provider (whoever writes your scripts) degrade you and treat you like a junkie. It sounds to me like you are nowhere near that. I have been through several Nurse Practitioners and doctors for that exact reason. I got tired of them labeling me as an "addiction risk" and then prescribing benign meds that got me nowhere. However, now I feel as if I have found the right doctor who listens and prescribes me almost anything (within reason).

I can speak from experience that your habit may seem innocent enough now, but there may come a day where it will completely take over your life and you may find yourself in a difficult position. I had/have a problem with prescription painkillers and I used them for the same reason you do. It always gave me a really relaxed feeling but also a boost of energy and then I felt like I could do anything. But it soon turned into chasing a high and then money, jobs, family, relationships suffered and I was wishing I could take it all back.

Bottom line: if you can get in with a good doctor (try and see a Psychiatrist, not some stupid PA or NP) and get your anxiety and depression treated successfully, you may notice that your urges for substance use will slowly become less and less (at least mine did) Its a long road and it sucks (especially the first year) but after that, you will feel so much better.

Hi,

At least you're in recovery. I am a drug addict who is still too chicken **** to stop and get help and get sober. I will listen or help the best that I can, or even be a model example as to why you should stay sober.

Are you prescribed adderall or are you taking it to escape or for fun? If you are not prescribed it the best advice I could ever give you is to stay the hell away from it from now on. I first started taking adderall when I was 17 and fell in love instantly. Like you, I experimented with many drugs because hey, let's be honest they're fun as hell, and some of them you can actually learn a lot about yourself. However adderall was the one steady one I always took. Fast forward to the present- I am turning 30 in 2 months and I haven't been off of amphetamines for a year COLLECTIVELY. That means from the time that I was 17 to 30, through out all those years, I can't tally up enough days I wasn't using to complete a year. And here's the kicker, my tolerance was so high that I've upgraded to meth. The amount of money I have spent and continue to spend on speed is absolutely sickening. And it all started with adderall. If you don't think it could happen to you, think again. Stop while you're young. Stop before you become addicted. Sometimes I just cry because I can't believe this is my life. I've hid my addiction the entire time and I can't grow the balls I need to admit that I need help. If I didn't have a 4 year old it would be easier I think.. At least that's what I tell myself. But coming out as a "functioning" meth/speed addict when you have a child is absolutely terrifying. As if I won't be judged harshly for my addiction, adding the fact that I have a child just makes the judgements that much harsher. Oh look, I'm about to cry just writing this. Jesus Christ.

I can so relate with the adderall use. I was prescribed vyvanse by a very careless pdoc and lost a job because of it. And when I stopped taking it, I fell Into a depression so bad I almost drove myself to IP numerous times. I should also state that I'm bipolar so stims are very controversial in my case.

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Oh yeah I know all about vyvanse. Any adhd meds, prescription weight loss medications...anything in that same genre of drugs....as long as it gets me through the day. It's sad. Terrible terrible drugs.