[splitimage]

I've been drinking all week, and I finished my last 3 beers this morning. I'm determined to stop, but it's taking all my willpower. My body is screaming for alcohol, even though I know continuing to drink would only make me sicker.

But I've got to get through today. Tomorrow there's a drop in group at my rehab that I can go to, and I have an appointment with my addictions Dr. that will really help.

I'm staying hold up in my room and hanging out on line, and rereading Harry Potter books in between intense fits of crying.

I'm ashamed that I've let my life come to this, and at the moment I don't see a clear way out. I just know I need to be sober if I'm going to have any kind of future.

Still waiting to hear back from the rehab I applied to, to find out when / if I can get in.

There's an AA meeting where I know people that I could go to tonight - I may, it'll all depend on if I think I can make it there and back without stopping at a bar.

This is just so darn hard.

splitimage

[purple_fins]

I hope you are proud of yourself for doing this! I am proud of you
Yes it is hard

one step at a time.... I hope you will go to AA tonight-- do you have a sponsor?

[Skeezyks]

Hello splitimage: I celebrate your insight as well as your determination & I send healing thoughts your way with the hope that you will be able to find deep peace within...

[splitimage]

Thanks Purple_fins and Skeezyks,

Well I've made it through the morning. I've been hanging out on line, when I'm not having massive fits of crying. I'm just so sad, at how much of my life I've wasted, and how hard it's going to be to get back on track.

I took a clonazepam to help deal with the withdrawal, and that's helped a little.

I did manage to eat some vegetable soup for lunch, and I'm going to make and try to eat, some chicken fried rice for dinner. That's my ultimate comfort, withdrawal cure. I probably won't be able to eat more than a few forkfulls but it's better than nothing, and I can have whatever's left for breakfast tomorrow.

I feel like such a loser. It's been 11 years since I first sought help for my drinking, and in a couple of months it'll be 6 years since I last worked full time. I feel like I've thrown away everything I spent the first half of my life building up.

AT the end of June, I'm going to have to depend on my brother to support me financially which I hate because it gives him control over my life. But I don't have a lot of other options until I can get some sober time under my belt, and start seriously looking for work again.

My addiction Dr. tells me that I just have an extremely strong form of the disease, but that doesn't help. I've seen countless people get and stay sober, and I can't seem to pull together more than a few months sober in the past few years. I hate this F*ing disease.

Ok - the day's half over. I can do this.

[purple_fins]

Good going- you got through the morning

One step at a time!

If you can, try to not look back-- the past is past- we only have the present and future.

I'm cheering for you!

[CobolCapsule]

Good luck to you. Try to stay busy, for that helped me.

[splitimage]

Thanks purple_fins.

Well I've made it through most of the afternoon. In another hour, I'll be able to make dinner, and declare the day over. I'm still feeling too sick, and throwing up periodically to risk going out to an AA meeting tonight.

I'm trying to not dwell on the past, but it's hard. I've made so many mistakes and wasted so many opportunities. But today is a new day, and tomorrow is bound to be easier.

Just wish I would hear from the rehab I'm trying to get into, the wait is frustrating.

splitimage

Have your tried any meds, like nalmafene?

[splitimage]

Hi little cat.

I'm not familiar with that med. Anticraving meds that are available in Canada are basically Naltrexone (Revia) and Campral. I was on Naltrexone for 3 years to help me beat an opiate addiction, but it did nothing for my alcohol cravings, and I can't take campral since it's countraindicated if you have depression. Off label options are topomax, which I can't take because of interactions with my other meds and gabapentin which my Dr. is reluctant to prescribe because it's sedating and I'm already on 2 sedating meds.

The thing that works most reliably for me is Antabuse, when I can convince myself to stay on it. If I can stay sober tomorrow and Sat., then I can restart the Antabuse on Sun. which I'm determined to do. I need to stop this cycle of self destruct that I'm on.

Decided I couldn't even handle the thought of chicken fried rice for dinner, so I'm just sipping some flavoured water and hoping I can make it through the night without throwing up again.

Looking on the bright side, if I can manage to get myself back on the antabuse, I never have to go through withdrawal again, unless I chose to screw-up.

splitimage

[PsychNitrous]

Congrats on deciding to make a change! Everyone deals with addiction in different ways, and you should feel proud of yourself for seeking help. When is the next AA meeting you can go to?

[IrisBloom]

Hang in there! One day, one hour, one minute at a time if necessary.

[Moogieotter]

(((SplitImage)))

You got this! Don't give up! I admire your courage to keep fighting!

moogs

[splitimage]

Thanks everyone.

Well I made it through yesterday. Did wind up throwing up one last time last night, including throwing up my meds, which made last night particularly rough - sweats and very vivid nightmares.

I've managed to eat scrambled eggs this morning and I'm trying very hard not to throw them up.

Today I have a drop in meeting at my rehab, and an appointment with my addictions Dr. That'll help.

Motivated to stay sober today so that I can make it to my shift at the Distress Centre tomorrow. That always makes me feel better, and I can't do it hungover.

Shooting to restart the Antabuse Sun. morning.

I'm still feeling very fragile and weepy.

splitimage

[purple_fins]

Hope you are doing OK today!

It sounds like you have some good insight-- I think that is a very good thing and can help get one on the path to better days.

[splitimage]

Well made it through yesterday, and so am now on my second day sober. Did manage to eat some yesterday, although still not a full day of meals. Went to bed really early and actually slept through the night without nightmares.

My head feels a little funny this morning - low grade headache and like everything's kind of distant, but I'm good to go for my shift at the distress centre.

Will restart my antabuse tomorrow morning.

splitimage

[purple_fins]

Yay for you!!

one step at a time.

[splitimage]

Thanks purple_fins,

Well I made it through day 2, eating ok - actually a bit more than normal, and handled my shift at the Distress Centre ok.

So I'm determined to restart my Antabuse in the morning tomorrow.

But I realized I'm terrified. I don't know how I'm going to face my feelings, and what I'm going to do with my time if I'm not drinking.

I've promised myself that I'm going to give myself 30 days sober, to give my brain a chance to normal out, before I start applying to jobs again, and I don't know what I'm going to do with a whole month if I don't get into rehab for June. Work on my computer upgrading courses I guess, knit lots, and maybe bumping up my harp practice.

I really want and need to be sober. I'm just scared.

splitimage

[splitimage]

Restarted my antabuse this morning. Both relieved and scared. But I know it's something I need to do.

splitimage

[benzenering]

Good for you, whatever it takes. Hang in there, you are very brave!

[purple_fins]

Good for you! I hope you are proud of yourself!

I so hope you can get into rehab soon- I will wish and pray.
I know it changed my son's life, as he was determined to have a sober life and they helped him with copy skills and learning what to do with those cravings.

I imagine it can be done without rehab but it sure does help for most people.

In the meantime-- I hope you keep on taking one step at a time. and I hope you check in here with us when you feel you want to. I will be here as often as I can, you can PM me if you want as well. I am so cheering for you. and also for anyone who might be reading this and be in a similar place

You are doing a great job! Good luck with the antabuse! Like the psych nurse told my son-- "you will be amazed how good you feel after all that is out of your system"
and yes-- doing things to keep you busy-- that's a great idea.

[splitimage]

Thanks benzering and purple_fins.

Made it through yesterrday so today is day 4. Didn't do much yesterday as we're having a major heat wave and it was too hot, so mostly just lay in front of my fan and napped or hung out on line.

Today I have a drop in meeting at my rehab that I'll go to that will be good. May also to to an airconditioned Starbucks and hang out and knit for awhile.

splitimage

[purple_fins]

Hope you are doing Ok and you were able to go to the meeting.

It's nice going to a place with good air conditioning when it's hot.

[splitimage]

Thank purple_fins,

Made it through yesterday but it was tough, was still having some withdrawal symptoms plus my brain felt funny from getting back on all my meds, so I wound up skipping my rehab group and just lying in bed, in front of the fan. Did make it out to get my meds refills though.

I've restarted my antabuse, and that's making me feel a bit sleepy, but I know that side effect will go away.

Today I'm meeting an old AA friend for coffee and a chat. That'll be nice. Then this afternoon, I think I'm going to focus on cleaning up my room.

So on to Day 5.

[Moogieotter]

Nice splitimage! Hang in there - thanks for the updates!

moogs

[purple_fins]

You made it through yesterday! Good going!

Good luck with the antabuse and wishing you a good visit with your friend

I think keeping busy is so important-- cleaning your room is a great way to keep busy. I read you also knit and play music- I think those are wonderful tools to help keep you going as well, one step at a time

It's kind of you to keep us updated- I am cheering for you!