worried about a friend

i've thought alot about whether i should post about this but i'm concerned and i have to....... my friend and coworker got her 3rd dui a couple months ago (she's only 24). she passed out at the wheel and hit another car. she told me she doesn't remember anything before waking up in the hospital. well today she went on this rant about how she doesn't have a problem with alcohol, she just needs to stop driving after drinking and everything will be fine. she says she still plans to go out to the bars and get wasted, she just won't drive anymore. she's going through a tough divorce and has a 3 year old son, and i tried to tell her that she could lose her son if she doesn't try to get sober and change things (she only has partial custody right now, and things are bitter with her ex, and her court date is coming up) , but she wont listen. she is in alcohol classes but she just laughs about how stupid they are. is there anything else i can do? i know she loves her son but she refuses to admit that her drinking is a problem. she acts so nonchalant about everything i feel like she's in total denial. and i'm also afraid shes going to lose big in court and i don't know what she'll do if she loses her custody of her son. but i feel helpless because she's so insistent. any advice from anyone?

doesn't sound like she's ready to change...i don't think there is anything you can do.

i'm not the most sympathetic to alcholism...too many in my family...i do know it's hard to quit even when they accept it's a problem...

so i don't think your friend is anywhere near ready for help. i think it's just important you take care of yourself and not let her problems worry you too much.

regarding her son...doesn't sound like it's in his best interest to live with his mom... she obviously can't take care of herself....much less take care of him properly....

The unfortunate thing about your friends situation is that she will have to come close to or even loose the very things that she holds so dearly to her.....her home, her job, her son.

One can only help so much when it comes to a situation like this. At some point, the individual with the problems will have to feel and experience the consequences of their thoughts and actions.

It's very possible she is scared to death of this kind of thing happening. She may have no other resources within herself to help herself. Drinking to her is her only outlet and possibly the belief that if she doesn't think about the ramifications, they won't happen. But we all know that is not the case. She will have to learn that all on her own.

Please don't take on her issues to the point of feeling guilty that you cannot help her further. You cannot control her actions and thoughts. You can be a loving friend who wants to be there for her when the going gets rough, but you cannot make her change her ways. She is the only one who can do that.

I wish you both well and hope that her son will be safe.

Hugsss
sabby

Like everyone else has said, your friend will not change until she wants to change and things may have to get a whole lot worse for her before that happens. If you want to continue to be her friend and support her - great, just make sure that you look after yourself too.

You might even want to consider trying attending an alanon meeting. They can be great support in learning to deal with the alcoholic in you life.

---splitimage

Being a recovering alcoholic myself, I have to tell you everyone who's posted above is correct. Unfortunately, she'll have to hit her own bottom and see for herself that she has a problem. Recovery is for people who want it, not for people who need it, sadly. I know for me, if anyone made a comment about my drinking, it would only push me farther into the bottle. I had to realize for myself that I wanted to quit.

She may never realize it. Many go out and die after loosing everything. Its the sad truth about alcoholism. Its cunning, baffling and powerful. Alanon is a great group, as Split suggested. Its for the people we alcoholics hurt. If she won't get into recovery, it might be helpful for you to get into your own recovery. She might even see then how her alcoholism is affecting those she loves.

(((((((((gostryter))))))))))

i've sure been sending you alot of hugs lately but you deserve them! thank you....... i know you are right, there's only so much i can do for her, but its hard to watch this happening.......she's a good person, she just has a problem.

((((((((sabby))))))))

thank you......i hope it doesn't come to that (losing everything) for her......she's still so young and has so much potential..... guess all i can do is hope she will eventually admit her drinking is out of control........she really does seem to be in total denial at this point.

thank you splitimage....... maybe i will look into alanon..... really wish she would get better though....

"recovery is for people who want it, not people who need it."

never thought about it that way....... it is really sad but i guess it is true. i sure hope she realizes it, she has everything to live for.... she has her beautiful little boy and i know she loves him very much.....hopefully enough to get help sometime. you know what she said her attorney told her? "you don't have a drinking problem, you have a driving problem". made me want to call him up and tear him a new one.....

Ugh.......bad bad bad attorney........aaah you're so right for wanting to beat him up lol. Its always the car's fault, haha. For me back in the day it was always the "bad food I ate the night before" that was the cause of my being sick the next day. That attorney is enabling her....how many times I've heard people say in meetings "yeah I got a DUI so I quit driving".....hmmmmm......

I do hope your friend sees one day that there is the possibility of a wonderful life without drinking.

enabling, that's just the right word.........i think that stupid attorney should be disbarred or something for saying something so dumb......... i know its his job to get her aquitted but he shouldnt be telling her that she's right because she isnt...... she's a sweet wonderful person but she could have killed someone..... or herself leaving her son without his mom.....

aarrgghh..... frustrated and wish i could fix this whole thing........

Aaaah yes, those of us who love alcoholics always want to be able to fix it. Being an alcoholic myself, I still want to fix everything for the other alcoholics in my life. I need to go to Alanon.....I think I've been posting that for a year and still have yet to go.

I had a friend who had a defense attorney for a DUI and he was VERY tough on her. He told her he was basically her representative, but that she was guilty, and she needed to sober up.

Many don't understand alcoholism at all, especially in the professional field, lawyers doctors etc. They buy right into the alcoholic's manipulation and blaming their problems on everything but themselves. I was once the same way.

Thats one of the problems with alcoholism.....very few understand it and so they end up enabling the alcoholic/addict without even meaning to.