I feel like being on a mission ... (possible trigger)

Dear all,

I'm heavily addicted to cigarettes. Fortunately it is my only addiction. But this one is just so terrible, 2 hours is about the max. I can go without, just horrible. I am having nightmares about sitting on an airplane not having nicotine substitutes (like gums or patches) available, seriously.

Now, the reason why I'm not posting in the "smoking cessation" section is a story about addiction in general that sounds a bit weird and doesn't get out of my head:

It is known from 2 celebrities here in Germany who had taking up smoking at a very early age (like 10-12ish) and were heavy chain smokers all their life, smoking 80-100 cigarettes per day. Eventually, 50 years later, they were sitting in the doctor's office getting their diagnosis: terminal lung cancer, no chance for any treatment, expected life time left: 3 months.
Both of those guys left the office, took out their cigarette pack and lighter and .... threw it into the next trash can. And never smoked a single cigarette again until they died.

Same story with the neighbor of my parents who wasn't only a chain smoker but also a functional alcoholic. Every night he drank 6 pints of beer (about 3/4 of a gallon) which was just calculated so that the next morning he would be under the legal limit for driving. He was a sales rep and knew that losing his license would also mean losing his job. But on weekends he drank 20 pints (2.5 gallons!) per day.

I can't remember his terminal diagnosis. It was not lung cancer, but it was also terminal and also an expected life time left of 3-4 months. Same story, he didn't only stop smoking, but also stopped drinking. He also died after 3 months, but until then never touched a cigarette or a drop of beer.

Call me crazy, but this feels as if they were on a "mission" to destroy and kill themselves and when they learnt that they had a terminal disease without any chance for cure, they had their mission accomplished and no longer needed cigarettes and beer. I somehow feel the same with me, but can't explain why.

Can anybody relate to that ? Any thoughts ? Thanks a lot !

I'm interested in what you say and what other posters will say.

At least you can go 2 hours..I can't go 20 minutes...I could go 10 hours when I was working (but I used an electronic cig).

What you say about wanting to have a terminal illness...no..not me.

But, if you think this is true for you..than possibly it is true for you

I worry everyday that I am going to get cancer. I have lung nodules..they monitor them..and they have been for 10 years...SO..I should have stopped 10 years ago.

I did stop for a year and it was beautiful...then I drank alcohol..and then I smoked again.

But, what I worry about is I know someone who stopped about 10 years ago..and was diagnosed with cancer ANYWAY...last year...and has passed on.

I have another friend who was diagnosed with lung cancer 5 years ago...he never put down the cigs..he is now cancer free (very rare to happen)...they caught it early

Well ... I'm very unclear about my own case here. Of course I constantly live in the fear about getting lung cancer, COPD or something like that.

But when you learn that you have only 3 months to live, then why would you stop THEN ?

I know I can refrain from anything else. Alcohol, sugar, meat ... and I can also go without internet, sex, shopping, working or any kind of doing that can be addictive. 10 years ago or so I took up the habit of rewarding myself with sweets. After lunch - have a desert even I wasn't hungry. Accomplished something - get a chocolate bar. After work - stop by the gas station and get a chocolate bar for celebrating the end of the work day, etc. But one day I said to myself "hey, this is stupid. It doesn't do anything for me other than gaining weight. So, stop it" - and I did. Without any problems, without any cravings. It was just a stupid habit I had picked up and I just kicked it.

But with the cigarettes it is sooo crazy for me. I just don't understand myself there. I say to myself "stop it. You are just killing yourself and pay a fortune to do that". And then - I reach out for the pack and light one up, I feel like being remote controlled. So, I'm just wondering if I might have somehow deep down in my sub concious area the desire to kill myself or to disappear, to vansish - I really don't understand it.

I'm sorry you're having these doubts. Nicotine, however is a powerful drug/habit which makes smoking seem like it's run by remote control. At the risk of sounding self-righteous, I smoked for 25 years, but was able to quit cold turkey 3 years ago. I used the reward system, just as you did your sweets. I figured out I was spending $200 a month on cigs. I have a very tight budget, but used the money from quitting to buy an inexpensive new car. If I start smoking again, I won't be able to make the car payment. It's a pretty powerful incentive to stay stopped!

That stated, I know it doesn't really address your question. I understand the fatalism you seem to feel. I still know that my risk of contracting lung cancer is far greater than someone who has never smoked. In addition, I think I have traces of COPD, since it seems you never fully regain your wind (I was an athlete in HS & college). I hope you're able to settle your questions, no matter what you decide to do in the long run. Quitting now will still reduce the chance of dying from other cigarette-linked diseases (heart disease, for example). Good luck and, once again, I'm sorry I didn't fully address your deep question.

(BTW, I lived in Germany for three years & smoked F6...an Ossi cigarette!)

Thanks a lot for insights, emgreen, I really appreciate it a lot.

The thing is that I can refrain from about anything with logical thinking and a bit of self discipline. E.g. I feel like potato chips, but I say "no, totally unhealthy, it doesn't help me, it doesn't do anything, I'll have to work out for at least half an hour to compensate. No, I rather eat an apple now or just nothing."

But with the cigs it's different. I did all kind of things. Made a big excel sheet and calculated and listed all the things I could buy for the money.

Somehow I would feel ... guilty if I would stop. I really don't get it ...