[Data]

This year I have largely succeeded in giving up alcohol. Until New Years Eve I tended to drink far too much on an evening. There was only one lapse a few weeks ago. My 13 year son has Aspergers/ADHD and his destructive antisocial behaviour caused me to become so upset I drank a lot of vodka.

I have been going to a support group and I expected some empathy from them and maybe there was but there was a lot of tough love about the negative consequences of binge drinking, i.e. being over the alcohol limit for driving the next day. This is all true, and perhaps it is what I needed to hear, I am not sure. But it left me feeling scared…. next time I am in a crisis, will I be able to resist? It highlighted the negative consequences, but without making me feel any more confident in my own emotional stability.

Its all very well talking positive, and rationalising what you should do and what you should not do. But when that crisis comes, will all that mean anything at all? Its almost like I become a different person when I am upset.
Fortunately my mental health has improved in 2017, I am not sure if I have stopped drinking because of this, or whether my health is better for not drinking. Perhaps it is a bit of both. So the crises are farther apart now. In fact this past weekend was very good, despite occasional problems with my son.

This morning I received a reply on Facebook from a lady who I messaged. She is my biological mother, who gave me up for adoption in 1973 when I was just a few days old. She said that she never felt I was meant to be hers and that she felt like a surrogate mother. She said she never wanted any contact with me and was tempted just to ignore my message. The reply was mostly cold and businesslike.

Whilst I can logically understand what she has said, I feel devastated.

This evening I am going to keep busy with helping my wife shopping and some things on my computer to distract me and keep me out of trouble.

Tomorrow I am going back to the support group, they said they are going to go through some “wise mind” with me. They are not professionals but volunteers fellow sufferers who have been on a training course. I am hoping I will be able to tell them that I didn’t drink, and that I have got through it. That way if the session helps me it will be a bonus, but if the session does not help me then I won’t feel like I have failed.

[mc2ed]

Wow.....sometimes in life...it is like we are EVER wading through it....

I read your words....and you express that you have awareness....that alone gives you such an edge.....sometimes even though we are aware...of all the details and consequences...it doesn't stop us from acting upon them....yet...in this case that glorious yet.....that awareness...helps us pull back...quicker...and that awareness can become too...a habitual rising....that eventually helps us....not act in destructive ways....just the ability to have awareness draping you in knowledge eventually wins...knowledge is power.....

I am sorry about your birth mother...and her response....that is a very emotional tangle I am sure...wrapped up in daydreams of how we wished to be loved....because as children our imaginations take us there....we create the fairy tale....to survive....even though as an adult...we have lived with reality a long time....that child still lives in us too...and for a lot of decades that dream has been held in the heart of your inner child...and now...that child just got kicked in the most painful of ways...it is wounding....for our dreams are often what keep us putting that one foot in front of the other...when life brings such difficulties.....we can use it as a tool...too keep on going....even though we KNOW...it is a dream...that what if...is ever the enticement...the gift we give ourselves...and it makes what is bad...or difficult...okay...or easier....that just got ripped away.......I am sorry for that.....it must feel so raw.....

At the same time....I still see you expressing awareness....that is such a Blessing...even though it may feel like nothing helps....that awareness is guiding the choices you are making....and reading your words...it appears to me....that you are making good choices....we all falter...yet you have been getting back up...and choosing what will bring benefit...instead of more destruction....some people never even try...

I don't have any answers....to ease your pain...yet I wished to commend you...for you seem to be a fighter.....I am a stranger....standing...in the far distance...seeing your struggle...and seeing too someone who isn't giving up and rolling over in defeat...You are standing...and you are looking for ways to better yourself and to better the lives of your family....that is a gift....yes for you....and too...if makes...of YOU...a gift for them...

I only have words....yet if the heart had ears....you would hear the crowds roar...in thunderous applause....bravo...bravo......

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm sorry all of this happened to you. That comment from your mother was very harsh..

[Unrigged64072835]

Sorry to hear your biological mother say that. Keep holding on.

[Data]

Thanks for the replies mc2ed, MickeyCheeky and Fharraige. mc2ed you are right - awareness is a good thing, even if it is painful at times.

Her message said:

"I was very surprised to receive your message. At first I was tempted to ignore it, but after a great deal of thought decided to answer.
My decision to have you adopted was a very painful one, but at the time it was really the only option.
I felt like a surrogate mother, before the term was in use, and never felt like you were ment to be mine.
I have thought about you, and hoped you had a happy life with a good family who may otherwise have been childless.
I never wanted to contact or meet you, feeling that once the papers were signed you were not mine.
My Husband has always known of your existence. I have shown him your message, and he is very worried and upset, feeling that digging up the past could be very disruptive to our family life.
My philosophy has always been to look forward, and not back to painful memories, I cannot change the past.
Please respect my privacy."

[TishaBuv]

You have certainly had more than your fair share.

You are doing very well, keep up the good work.

[avlady]

I am sorry for your message from your mom. Maybe you should take it as a grain of salt.she did say you would be better off with someone else and it was painful for her to give you up, I do give her credit for trying to get you a good family, it takes a lot of courage to do so. Please forgive her and I would try my best to stay away from her. good luck

[mc2ed]

Originally Posted by Data

Thanks for the replies mc2ed, MickeyCheeky and Fharraige. mc2ed you are right - awareness is a good thing, even if it is painful at times.

Her message said:

"I was very surprised to receive your message. At first I was tempted to ignore it, but after a great deal of thought decided to answer.
My decision to have you adopted was a very painful one, but at the time it was really the only option.
I felt like a surrogate mother, before the term was in use, and never felt like you were ment to be mine.
I have thought about you, and hoped you had a happy life with a good family who may otherwise have been childless.
I never wanted to contact or meet you, feeling that once the papers were signed you were not mine.
My Husband has always known of your existence. I have shown him your message, and he is very worried and upset, feeling that digging up the past could be very disruptive to our family life.
My philosophy has always been to look forward, and not back to painful memories, I cannot change the past.
Please respect my privacy."

I read this...there is so much here.....your feelings...and her feelings....I would ever so gently say.....there are aspects I read in this letter that are very loving....she wanted to ignore it....yet reflected upon it...and the reason she didn't was because of you....she did not shunt you aside...even though that is what she wished to do....she lets you know...how painful it was to give you up....meaning too...in responding to you...that pain once again rose....and upon reflection she was willing.....

she didn't feel she had options.......yet she took the option that continued your life....she held you in life for 9 months.....and lets you know the only way she could cope....was to pretend...you were not hers...she was giving the loving act of carrying a child for another....through out her life she has thought of you....just as you have thought of her....and she was wishing and holding in her mind...that you were the gift for a childless couple...it could be that was what she held to ease her pain....just as you had dreams of her....she created dreams of you....she lets you know that she had to let you go...yet she wished you a happy life....that was her dreaming for you...happiness....and even though...she didn't have the wish to meet you...in this life...she still thought of you enough to share you with the man she would wed....so she didn't hide you.....

We can't know her circumstance...yet there are ever so many hidden messages when reading between the lines....this doesn't appear to be a woman who set you aside easily.....and even in her saying her philosophy in life has always been to look forward...and not dwell in painful memories....she even prefaces her request with please....that is a cry too....

I don't know how old you are...though in just the thought of going a few decades back...the world and how we treat women and sexual norms....are HUGELY different...HUGE.......it's sounds like she didn't really wish to give you up...and did what she thought was best for you.....so created a story that held you in happiness and loving care...so that she could continue on...without breaking down....isn't that a loving thing to do?....

I hope her wish for you came true that you had a happy childhood...and found a home with parents who loved you....I am sorry too for the sadness you feel....

May your heart find peace....and Love...for I feel you do have love in your home...

[DechanDawa]

It sounds like you are addressing self-care and want to continue doing so.

If you have determined that alcohol is off the table then you need to employ other ways to cope. It is as simple as that.

I don't always over drink but when I am depressed and anxious it is not good for me to drink at all as it actually causes me to feel depressed the next day.

Instead now I am into cooking, especially healthy vegan meals.

Whatever comes up you can't make an "allowance" to drink..because it weakens your resolve.

It will be uncomfortable if you are used to drinking for relief. But the conflict of wanting to do something and then failing at it causes more stress. Just keep drinking off the table. Good luck.

[Open Eyes]

I have been going to a support group and I expected some empathy from them and maybe there was but there was a lot of tough love about the negative consequences of binge drinking, i.e. being over the alcohol limit for driving the next day. This is all true, and perhaps it is what I needed to hear, I am not sure. But it left me feeling scared…. next time I am in a crisis, will I be able to resist? It highlighted the negative consequences, but without making me feel any more confident in my own emotional stability.

(((Data))),

The reason the others in that support group got angry is when someone goes out on a binge like that it "threatens" what these others are trying to accomplish.

But it left me feeling scared…. next time I am in a crisis, will I be able to resist?

That is because the next time you are in a "crisis" instead of giving in and taking that drink you are supposed to go to a meeting. That is what "most" of these individuals learn to do, that is what is so incredible about these support groups. That is why someone is given a book so they can see all the places that have meetings and usually, there is a meeting every night. I know individuals who travel, and they always find out where meetings are being held in whatever place they are traveling to.

My husband's sponsor has three grandchildren that are very ill, cancer and one of them has so many allergies they have to pay attention to everything he eats. This man has them living at his house and came out of retirement and went back to work so he could help cover all the expenses involved. He goes to meetings instead of giving in to alcohol, or going out on a binge. Some individuals struggle a lot and go to meetings every night. They talk about how they are challenged and support each other to help each other face some major challenges instead of escaping through alcohol.

So, maybe learn from this slip and make more of a commitment to growing instead of giving in to feeling your lack of confidence in your own emotional stability. The others in those rooms most definitely know that challenge. Understand they are vulnerable too, so their reaction is reflecting that.

Next time you are in a crisis, "don't drink, go to a meeting".

[DechanDawa]

Meetings and support groups are good (for support, period) but in the end it is up to you to not drink.

[Data]

I have sent a reply "I am not sure what I hoped for but I was disappointed in your reply. Nevertheless I am grateful for the courtesy of an honest response. I am not sure if us meeting would be a good or a bad thing, as you say some things are best forgotten. In any case, the right thing for me to do is to respect your choice. Your and your husband need not worry as I will not contact you or your family again."

[Open Eyes]

((Data)),

I have to apologize, I was going to address that part of your post and I was interrupted and did not get a chance.

I am very sorry you got such a cold response when you contacted your birth mother. It's unfortunate that you don't have her history either so you can better understand the reason for how she responded. There are times when a woman gives up a child for adoption that has a lot to do with her mental health and whatever she may be going through in her life at the time. Her distancing could be a lot more about not wanting to think about that time in her life then "your" worthiness and curiosity about who your birth mother was. When a woman talks about feeling a child she gave birth to is not "mine", that says a lot about where she was mentally at that time. This NEVER means that child did not deserve to be loved. It's understandable how difficult this is to wrap one's mind around, especially on an emotional level.

Some women "need" to distance from giving a child up, too hard to revisit in any way. Again, no bearing on your worthiness. You responded the right way, and it's possible this woman may change her mind too and at some point reach out to you. That really depends upon where she is "now" in her life. Give yourself some "kind/caring" thoughts towards not allowing yourself to think of this as a rejection, that can be a challenge that can take you some time to work on.

[Data]

I replied to my biological mother saying that her response is disappointing but I will not contact her again. She sent back another reply thanking me. She says she means me no ill will and that it is for the best. That may be so but it is still a crushing rejection which hurts deeply. I avoided drinking last night though, I just watched a movie with my wife and went to bed.

Originally Posted by avlady

I am sorry for your message from your mom. Maybe you should take it as a grain of salt.she did say you would be better off with someone else and it was painful for her to give you up, I do give her credit for trying to get you a good family, it takes a lot of courage to do so. Please forgive her and I would try my best to stay away from her. good luck

Trying to stay away won't be an issue really... why would I want to be around someone who makes it clear they have rejected me, even before my birth?

Originally Posted by mc2ed

May your heart find peace....and Love...for I feel you do have love in your home...

That is true, although it is love which is occasionally tempered with emotional turmoil, sometimes even violence (my son has threatened us with knives). But its a love which gets me through, nevertheless.

Originally Posted by DechanDawa

...If you have determined that alcohol is off the table then you need to employ other ways to cope. It is as simple as that.

...

Instead now I am into cooking, especially healthy vegan meals..

I find that giving myself aims in life helps me to cope. I am currently writing a book about computer programming, and I really like that. I am slightly autistic and it appeals to my logical nature.

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

(((Data))),

... Next time you are in a crisis, "don't drink, go to a meeting".

Thanks for the virtual hugs. Going to a meeting sometimes helps. But it isn't a blanket solution to psychological distress. There are not meetings going on all the time. And I can't always attend them as I have family and work. And very occasionally meetings can be harmful instead of helpful.

[Trippin2.0]

What a complete b!tch!

I'm so sorry, she really could have been more sensitive, nicer even, about not wanting to be contacted.

I'm really sorry you had to experience that.

[TishaBuv]

She was merely the vessel that brought you into the world. Please take care of yourself and continue making strides toward being well.

[Open Eyes]

. I am slightly autistic and it appeals to my logical nature.

Interesting in that your son struggles with Aspergers. This could also be something your birth mother struggles with, or perhaps your birth father that may have been a challenge to your mother and something that may have traumatized her that she wants to forget. It sounds like it's genetic, and could be a contributing factor to the response your birth mother gave you. The challenge with autism is not new, what is new is how it is being recognized and the effort to find ways to help individuals who struggle with it.

[Data]

The rejection from my biological mother has been overshadowed by the events with my son, who has been admitted to a general hospital following a self-harm incident.