[Cyran0]

I'm sharing this because right now I want to get high more than anything on Earth. I need a release, a way to process what I'm thinking and feeling. So here I am, sharing this with you as a way to get out of my head and stop the craving.

I'm working on a new screenplay. I took the job because the main character is an addict and I wanted to explore that. It's a true story set in the early 70's when, as it happens, I wasn't alive. To start the research I sat down to watch a VH1 documentary about the history of drugs. It was quite good.

But what got to me was the coverage of subcultures. The 60's, 70's, 80's, and into the 90's, it was a barrage of images of freaks, musicians, artists, all doing drugs. And all I could see was my friends and I. We were the life. Rebel artists to the extreme and awash in drugs and alcohol.

For quite a few years my life hasn't been that way. I have a normal house, normal wife, normal kids. Normal, normal, normal. And right now, in this moment, I want my old life back. I want the all night parties, the drugs, the sense that we're all on the brink of doing something amazing. The feeling that we're in a drug enhanced journey of discovery and that immortal sense of being young. I want the high.

But, of course, those memories are all from the early times before things really fell apart. And even those early times weren't that great. But I'm romanticizing them now because I'm frustrated with my life now and I want that escape of getting %#@&#! up.

And it's important to note, I write more now than I ever did then. I'm closer to my dreams now than I was then.

So clearly this is just about the drugs.

Thanks for listening. I'll be fine. I just needed an outlet.

Cyran0...Still seven years sober.

[Raynaadi]

(((((( Cyran0 )))))))

I know the feeling.....wanting the old "fun" back. I've been shredding papers that I've horded since 2004. Why I kept all that, I don't know. Bank statements, debit card receipts......bars, liquor stores, bars, liquor stores. Places I don't remember ever going, but at the time I thought it was fun.

I look at my life now. Its Friday night and I'm in my pj's on the couch. Not getting all pretty-fied to go to the bar and take home a random guy......

I'll wake up tomorrow refreshed on a Saturday morning, not hungover. I'll probably come here, do some chores. Bf wil do some homework. Sunday I'll do laundry and watch the Game and remember all the commercials.

I'll be alive. And so will you. The old days were fun at the time but we were dying inside. Now we're normal, and grabbing our dreams, and remembering every minute of it.

Thank you for sharing. Thats how we get to keep this normal life we live.

[DePressMe]

Cyran0, it seems like the drugs have a special kind of pull on me...they keep trying to pull me back into the old lifestyle. I don't crave just one hit, I want the whole damn thing--I want the life of an addict back...of course, my mind has created a "good" addict lifestyle. One where I am crazy and stoned, but don't suffer all the negative consequences. I know that is the addiction talking to me...I know if I pick up again that my life will come crumbling down on me.

The flashbacks and such are hard to deal with. I find it especially difficult because I catch myself fantasizing about how good it would feel to be back into it. That is something I have to be careful of...not allow myself to fantasize too much. Remind myself of the consequences.

As you take on this role of addict, keep things in perspective. I know how dedicated you are to your art, so this is going to be an extremely difficult challenge for you. Stay in touch with reality....

[Cyran0]

Thanks Ray and D.

I have cravings now and again but this time was a little different and a little more intense. I think because normally I just crave the drugs and not the "scene". I got over it after a couple hours because, let's face it, the old days really did suck and I don't really want to go back to that.

Like many a junkie, at various stages of recovery I think I've got the whole thing licked. I mean hey, I've got seven years sober so I should be over it, right? Wrong. Moments like this one pop up out of nowhere, triggered by things as banal as VH1 or a scene in a movie, and I'm reminded that it's never over.

Maybe I should start going to AA again. It's been a couple of years. Just, ya know, to reconnect with the rehab crowd.

Thanks for the feedback. You guys rule.

Cyran0

[January]

Hi Cyrano,

I don't know what to say but I would like to give you a hug, if that's ok. Sometimes it's nice just to know someone is on your side.

(((((((( Cryano ))))))))))

Jan

[StarPonysMama]

((((((((Cyran0)))))))))))

I admire your strength. And yes, sometimes "normal" seems like an enemy. It is not, and its good. You are 7 years sober.............you INSPIRE ME! Keep up the awesome job!!!!!!!

[Cyran0]

Jan, Star, thank you both. And Star, I can't believe I reached seven years. Just one day at a time, 2,555 times. I just woke up one day and it was seven years. You'll wake up one day and it'll be the same thing, lucky seven.

Cyran0

[chalmette70043]

Hey Cy. Same damn thing happens to me. And with all this rebuilding around here. I always seem to be in someones house the first time they light their damn oven. That sweet smell drives me insane. I wanna hop in my truck and head up to the hole. But, no way. I ain't going there again. Nope.

You hang in there. As strong as those urges get, step on 'em. Smash 'em. I'm gonna remember to do that to. Together, we can all do it. Right!!!!!!