Reevaluating Things

Ok, so I've been drug free and sober for something like 8 years now. I was heavily involved in a wide variety of drugs and yes, I drank, but it was never my drug of choice. I gave up booze along with everything else because, well, as an addict it seemed like a good call.

But I'm not an alcoholic, I'm an addict, and I keep wondering if I could handle casual drinking. It would be nice to be able to have a drink socially or to relax here and there.

So I guess I'm reconsidering my position on drinking. Thoughts?

Cyran0

If you didn't have trouble with drinking before, I don't know that you should now? I mean, you have tried it and didn't overuse it. It's not like with coke or something where everyone who tries it gets addicted eventually.

I think going into it with your cautionary heads up thinking could work (although I don't know how relaxing that would be, "Excuse me, I need a drink so I can have a drink" :-)

But on the other hand, you had other drugs to take the weight off drinking and if you're only going to do the drinking, it could maybe escalate. I guess you have to know yourself and give it a try, maybe a scientific, timed trial? No drinking at home "alone" or a few boundary rules like that?

I don't know Cyrano, to me it risks being the edge of a slippery slope, you might start out drinking occassionally and be ok as a social drinker, but you might also find that it's a gateway back to drug use. You also really run a high risk of cross addiction, in that you're probably predisposed towards eventually developing an addiction to alcohol. I know in my hospital based treatment group they really stress abstinance from all mood altering substances as the only way to be safe in recovery. I know I wouldn't trust myself to smoke pot, becasue it might lead me back to drinking. That and i'm allergic to the stuff.

I also here lots of stories in AA who started out using other drugs but never had a problem with alcohol who quit the other drugs and then eventually started abusing alcohol. It does seem that if we're addicted to one thing, we're more likely to get addicted to something else.

If you've been totally clean for awhile now, why risk it?

--spltimage

It's risky.

Drinking gives me the courage to do things I normally wouldn't do...like do drugs, smoke pot...snort a xany..whatever. Otherwise I don't care for any of it at all.

That don't necessarily mean it will happen to you, but like I said it is a risk.

Cyrano I'd put it out of my mind....I've struggled with addiction

in the past myself....and well in my view Alcohol is Technically

a Drug. You got 8 years under your belt, I wouldn't risk it..

I wouldn't risk it either. An addict is an addict is an addict, a drug is a drug is a drug. Was there a time when abusing drugs didn't involve alcohol in some way, either with your or people you were with? From what I've always heard, the two went hand in hand. I'm a straight alcoholic, never had a problem with pot or coke or any of that, so maybe I should give those a try to unwind....same thing right?

Hi Cyrano...

Any mind altering substance can be a trigger for an addict. My substance of choice was alcohol but I KNOW that if I used any substance for changing my spiritual nature I would be opening the door for shame to kick the door in.

I would ask yourself what your personal definition of sobreity is and does it include serenity...

But agin,,I am simply a powerless drunk whose only real potential for helping anyone with our disease is holding the light in an otherwise dark room...

Good luck and best wishes with your decision..

Lenny

Most of you are echoing what I think I know in my gut, it's not worth it. Heck, I think I even knew that that's what y'all would say on the matter.

So why did I ask? I don't know. As I sit here typing this I can feel the disappointment. A sort of frustrated angst that yearns for the release of...something.

Maybe I'm just sick of being a good boy. Maybe my will to do the right thing is fading. Or maybe it's the mind of an addict creating a justification, a loophole to get some sort of fix.

Oh, and correction, I redid the math and I'm not at 8 years yet. I'm at 7 and change. Not that it matters.

So what's really going on in my heart? I think perhaps life is just wearing me down and the allure of past escape techniques is bubbling up from my subconscious. But even seeing this rationally, god the desire to allow this minor transgression is powerful.

So damn it anyway, despite the sorrow and boredom and stress, I know I should just keep my seat on the wagon.

Cyran0

(((((((((((CyranO))))))))))))))))

Cyran0, I am sorry I did not reply to this post earlier...I was thinking about it. The only thought that came to my mind was "what did you do the last time you drank?" Anyway, irrelevant now, I am glad you decided to stay sober. Overall, I think you will be happy with your decision...I am...because I'd like you to stick around.

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Cyran0 said:

Or maybe it's the mind of an addict creating a justification, a loophole to get some sort of fix.

So damn it anyway, despite the sorrow and boredom and stress, I know I should just keep my seat on the wagon.

Cyran0

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It looks like you knew the answer all along, but the wise thing was to ask others anyway just for some healthy reassurance.

Good choice and good luck.

((((( Cyran0 ))))))

Glad you decided to stay on the wagon with us. Its quite a ride eh?

It is indeed. I just wish there was something in this life that gave me the same kind of release that drugs did. A little escape of some sort. Because being perpetually stoic is wearing thin.

Ya know, I don't think I've struggled this much with addiction in years.

Cyran0

If you haven't " needed " to drink then why is it an issue? Just don't do it. I am an alcoholic and always will be. I haven't had to drink in a number of 24 hrs and the thoughts you are having or questions are the EXACT thoughts and questions that I have had throughout my sobriety. Many other alcoholics will say the same thing. My opinion, based on experience both personal and from observing others is : DO NOT do it. You will be on the road to slippery places that you may not return from this time around. Like they say in my meetings " these are only suggestions, but I suggest you take them. "

i'm glad u decided to stay abourd! we need u!

Hey Cyran0......ever though about getting a massage. It can make you feel almost high afterward. I go to a day spa in the mall (kinda girly for you probably) but I'm sure you can find a private practice somewhere.

It gives you a real release from tension...........I know the lady told me to sit up slow and boy was she right! My head was spinning but I felt so good afterward!

It may could help you get the "release" you're looking for - and work out some cramped muscles to boot!

It's worth a shot!

Cyran0, I can relate to your struggles. Like you, I find the urges to use ebb and flow. There are times being clean and sober are a piece of cake. Then there are times where I am consumed with thoughts of escaping via drugs. It is true, there is no "escape" like a drug high. I think drugs take you to a different reality--completely cut off your connection to this reality. The down side of that is this reality also contains the "good" things such as our loved ones. Escaping into the drug high means I leave my family behind...escaping to the drug high feels good in many ways but it also robs me. When I am high, I don't experience the love of my family. Think of the last time you were with your son and you felt that special inner love of being a father...those are the precious moments we miss out on when we join the other reality. Drugs are an empty escape--a false sense of being free. In reality we are chained down by the quality of the drug, the amount we have...the "escape" robs us of the special moments we can have in this reality.

Of course, even knowing that, I still occasionally crave that drug escape. I try real hard to remember that, in truth, drugs do not offer an escape. Instead they promise an escape but in fact enslave us with addiction. There is nothing less free than addiction.

Star, I have had a massage once before and yes, it was wonderful. It was also prohibitively expensive so for the moment it's not an option (I'm currently on the brink of financial ruin). Still, good suggestion and example of the sort of options I should probably be considering.

D, as always, you're very wise. I know it's an illusion and a trap. I wish it weren't.

Cyran0