[StarPonysMama]

I'm posting here because I figure it may be easier or more helpful for people who have had a problem with alcohol or loved someone with a problem with alcohol to understand.

Here it is.........9:00 PM EST. My boyfriend called me earlier and told me he may stop by to see me tonight. Not only did he not stop by.....he has not returned the two phone calls I made to him. That in itself is a tell tale sign that he has picked up a beer somewhere, began to drink, and is not able to stop. For the first time in my life, with Mark, I have found an incredible connection and a love that at almost 30, I am sure I have never experienced before. Not to say it can't happen again but to be deeply and madly in love with someone sure is nice. To have someone understand you and know you the way he does me.

My therapist and I have been working through some codependency issues and I've been reading a book based on some Al-Anon ideals so I know calling him a third time will do no good and have no positive effect. My heart is heavy and I am sad. I feel very alone and very betrayed. I sit here and think about ever seeing him with another woman and him running the bars drinking and it pains me but, I also know - there is nothing I can do about it and I cannot continue to torture myself this way..........at all costs.

He is an alcoholic and he is not recovering. I am angry but I do not want him to see my anger. I'm sad. I'm hurt. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired and I hate the turmoil. It is constant.........even at a month and a half break between instances..........it's too tiring.

I've had enough and I don't know how the hell I'm going to get through this break and move on.

Thanks for letting me sound off.........love to you all.

I'm still sober, and I'll continue to be that way.

[splitimage]

(((starsponysmomma)))

I'm really sorry that you think, and you're probably right that your boyfriend is drinking. But as you know, nobody get's sober before they are totally willing and wanting too. I know it took me lots of tries, before I finally mostly "got" it.

Just whatever you do, do not let yourself get sucked into drama with this guy or let him lead you back to drinking. You're worth so much more than that. And even though it's really painful, you have to remember to put yourself first.

Take care.

--splitimage

[mountainstream]

((((((StarPonysMama))))))

[altonwoodsdrphil]

sorry that you're having to go thru this...at some point we have to accept thar certain people are toxic to us and it hurts! because we love them so much! but do they love us? does'nt seem like they do...we keep coming in second or third to " IT " remember,actions speak louder than words. God Bless

[Fuzzybear]

[StarPonysMama]

I think it's more of - he doesn't love himself enough...............

I'm pretty at peace with making the decision to distance myself (it feels different than when I tried to do it before) and I'm going to.

His books with his business, his disease, his dishonesty is not my problem anymore. He has to heal himself when he wants to (if that day ever comes). There's nothing I can do about it.

Ha - as I type this, my phone is ringing. He will ring it all day. When I think back on it I think, "My god, I have done this so many times, I can read it like a book". I suppose that is a sign in itself!

I love my life enough to let him go. It's not going to be easy but.........I have you guys at PC to whine to - right? LOL

Still sober, and staying that way.

Thanks for all your support! (((((((((((((Everyone)))))))))))))

Ravyn

[Lenny]

If you have not read this star,,,I gently suggest it...It seems to offer some wise advice concerning your present circumstance...

Lenny

The Bridge
A Metaphor

There was a man who had given much thought to what he wanted from life. He had experienced many moods and trials. He had experimented with different ways of living, and he had had his share of both success and failure. At last, he had begun to see clearly where he wanted to go.

Diligently, he searched for the right opportunity. Sometimes he came close, only to be pushed away. Often the applied all of his strength and imagination, only to find the path hopelessly blocked. And then at last it came! But the opportunity would not wait. It would be made available only for a short time. If it were seen that he was not committed, the opportunity would not come again.

Eager to arrive, he started on his journey. With each step, he wanted to move faster; with each thought about his goal, his heart beat quicker; with each vision of what lay ahead, he found renewed vigor. Strength that had left it since his early youth returned, and desires, all kinds of desires, reawakened from their long-dormant positions.

Hurrying along, he came upon a bridge that crossed through the middle of a town. It had been built high above a river in order to protect it from the floods of spring.

He started across. Then he noticed someone coming from the opposite direction. As they moved closer, it seemed as though the other was coming to greet him. He could clearly see, however, that he did not know this other, who was dressed similarly except for something tied around his waist.

When they were within hailing distance, he could see that what the other had about his waist was a rope. It was wrapped around him many times and probably, if extended, would reach a length of 30 feet.

The other began to uncurl the rope, and, just as they were coming close, the stranger said, "Pardon me, would you be so kind as to hold the end a moment?"

Surprised by this politely phrased but curious request, he agreed without a thought, reached out, and took it.

"Thank you," said the other, who then added, "two hands now, and remember, hold tight." Whereupon, the other jumped off the bridge.

Quickly, the free-falling body hurtled the distance of the rope’s length, and from the bridge, the man abruptly felt the pull. Instinctively, he held tight and was almost dragged over the side. He managed to brace himself against the edge, however, and after having caught his breath looked down at the other dangling, close to oblivion.

"What are you trying to do?" he yelled. "Just hold tight," said the other "This is ridiculous," the man thought and began trying to haul the other in. He could not get the leverage, however. It was as though the weight of the other person and the length of the rope had been carefully calculated in advance so that together they created a counterweight just beyond his strength to bring the other back to safety.

"Why did you do this?" the man called out. "Remember," said the other, "if you let go, I will be lost." "But I cannot pull you up," the man cried. "I am your responsibility," said the other. "Well, I did not ask for it," the man said. "If you let go, I am lost," repeated the other.

He began to look around for help. But there was no one. How long would he have to wait? Why did this happen to befall him now, just as he was on the verge of true success? He examined the side, searching for a place to tie the rope. Some protrusion, perhaps, or maybe a hole in the boards. But the railing was unusually uniform in shape; there were no spaces between the boards. There was no way to get rid of this newfound burden, even temporarily.

What do you want?" he asked the other hanging below. "Just your help," the other answered. "How can I help? I cannot pull you in, and there is no place to tie the rope so that I can go and find someone to help me help you." "I know that. Just hang on; that will be enough. Tie the rope around your waist; it will be easier."

Fearing that his arms could not hold out much longer, he tied the rope around his waist. "Why did you do this?" he asked again. "Don’t you see what you have done? What possible purpose could you have in mind?" "Just remember," said the other, "my life is in your hands."

What should he do? "If I let go, all my life I will know that I let this other die. If I stay, I risk losing my momentum toward my own long-sought-after salvation. Either way, this will haunt me forever." With ironic humor he thought to die himself, instantly, to jump off the bridge while he was still holding on. "That would teach this fool." But he wanted to live and live fully. "What a choice I have to make; How shall I ever decide?"

As time went by, still no one came. The critical moment of decision was drawing near. To show his commitment to his own goals, he would have to continue on his journey now. It was already almost too late to arrive in time. But what a terrible choice to have to make!

A new thought occurred to him. While he could not pull this other up solely by his own efforts, if the other would shorten the rope from his end by curling it around his waist again and again, together, they could do it! Actually, the other could do it by himself, so long as he, standing on the bridge, kept it still and steady.

"Now listen," he shouted down. "I think I know how to save you." And he explained his plan. But the other wasn’t interested. "You mean you won’t help? But I told you I cannot pull you up myself, and I don’t think I can hang on much longer either." "You must try," the other shouted back in tears. "If you fail, I die!"

The point of decision had arrived. What should he do? "My life or this other’s?" And then a new idea. A revelation. So new, in fact, it seemed heretical, so alien was it to his traditional way of thinking.

"I want you to listen carefully," he said, "because I mean what I am about to say. I will not accept the position of choice for your life, only for my own; the position of choice for your own life I hereby give back to you."

"What do you mean?" the other asked, afraid. "I mean, simply, it’s up to you. You decide which way this ends. I will become the counterweight. You do the pulling and bring yourself up. I will even tug a little from here." He began unwinding the rope from around his waist and braced himself anew against the side.

"You cannot mean what you say!" the other shrieked. "You would not be so selfish. I am your responsibility. What could be so important that you would let someone die? Do not do this to me!"

He waited a moment. There was not change in the tension of the rope.

"I accept your choice," he said, at last, and freed his hands.

- Edwin H. Friedman

From the book "Friedman’s Fables"

[StarPonysMama]

Wow Lenny,

Thank you so much.

Very moving.

And I feel just like that guy standing on the bridge, holding the rope.

Or as in "Walk the Line" - a movie I have held dear to my heart because I feel like it represents a lot of this relationship - when Reese Witherspoon says, "I'm not going to be that little Dutch Girl with my finger in the dam." So true.
Thank you for sharing.

I draw strength from it.

[StarPonysMama]

Now he called me at work since I shut the two phones off.

Still claims he went fishing.

Says he did not drink.

Don't know. Don't really care.

I am just tired.

[StarPonysMama]

THE END:

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: MJK Auto Parts
Date: May 20, 2008 7:50 AM

Why should the man stay with someone who does not trust him. Seems like we are back at the begining getting ready for the end. I guess we should just face it we are having problems again. Sorry that you can't trust me. Guess I can't blame you I have not made it easy for you.

----------------------My Response----------------------------------------

Very true.

You have not even NEARLY earned my trust back.

Ha!

A month and a half since your last "incident" and you expect me to trust you going fishing with the guys next door who DRINK. WOW. And time and time again I have repeated to you that I know when you are drinking because you will not return my phone calls....funny.......you think that would make a guy wanna call a girl back when he got off that boat . even if it was 10 PM. Just seems like coincidence to me but I could be wrong.

When just last week you told me that you told them that I was more likely to let you go off with 4 women rather than get on that boat with them - huh - now I'm stupid?

And at 3PM - the last time I spoke to you yesterday you were on your way to get dropped off at Wal-mart when you were telling me that you were going to handle "business" Beat feet and get things done as you put it..... - you said nothing of fishing.......

So not only does it not matter whether your were drinking or not, the fact is - you will lie to me in a heartbeat, I can't trust you, and you are constantly proving me right.

I have a right to a good, healthy, loving relationship that has TRUST. Staying with you is denying me that right.

I think maybe you should explore your options as far as women are concerned. Perhaps you can find someone a little more suited to put up with the dishonesty. Or possibly you could spend time to admit you are an alcoholic (which you have yet to do), become a man, and make an HONEST life for yourself. My life is honest. I have no room for dishonesty.

Honestly, all the times you have chosen alcohol over me should have been my reason to leave. Sadly, I thought I could change you. You are the only one who can heal yourself. I can't heal you.

I can pick up your laptop on Wed and return it to you Saturday. We can be friends but at this point I cannot offer much more. When you find someone else to keep your books let me know....or if you want to put me on the payroll in a professional manner that will be fine but I prefer to pick things up and drop them off while you are not there.

You need time to work on you.

I'm already working on me and I have the right to a turmoil-free life.

[Lenny]

I am so sorry Star...I know it is hard to let go of those we Love...so very hard...

But know that you are doing this out of Love,,for you and him...for he needs to see the costs of his behaviors before he has any hope of changing them..

I have watched many an addict over the years struggle with their disease....and at some point a willingness appears,,,without which no change is possible...

It is that willingness that you should look for,,it is accompanied by the waving of a white flag..

We are here...

Lenny

[StarPonysMama]

(((((Lenny))))) You are so wise and well written. Did you miss your calling in life to be a famous writer???????? LOL

This is the response I got......hardly the waving of a white flag.......just a "give up".

I'm floored.

but, Nonetheless...........life must go on. There are numbers to crunch and karaoke songs to sing................and days of sobriety to count.......I will get through this.....and I will find a healthy, stable, rewarding relationship.

Here is his response to the earlier and my final response. I suppose it's done. I'm sad but, not overly sad. Going to the mall on my lunch to exercise my right to retail therapy! LOL

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: MJK Auto Parts
Date: May 20, 2008 8:53 AM

That is best for both of us. write yourself a check for how much I owe for know. I am going to try and take some classes so I can do my books myself. I will pay you for know if you don't mind doing them for me. Just e-mail me with a list of what you need for me to set out for you.

Thank You,
Mark

P.S. I do love you very much!

--------------------My Response-------------------------------------------

To:
MJK Auto Parts .

Date:
May 20, 2008 9:01 AM
Flag as Spam or Report Abuse [?]

Body:

**cool**

You may look online and see if there are online Quickbooks classes. I think there are. I think that's a great idea! It will be best for you to watch your own numbers.

I will start keeping track of my time here on out. I'm not worried about the past.

I do know that you love me but I think you need to start learning to love yourself and to take care of you.

[Lenny]

Well not so wise star but certainly trying to pay attention...

I notice that you like horses...If you were having a wonderfull ride with another rider and you were having a blast with loose rein and a powerfull but considerate animal...

Your partner was struggling,,tight rein,,teeth showing,, and confused gait.

How do you give them what you are experiencing...?

The most you can possibly accomplish is suggest they to do what your doing...Let go and let God,,,and the horse too...

That is all you can do for Mark...and love him in spite of himself...

I'm sorry...and don't shop till you drop....

Lenny