[vetswife]

My sister will be leaving rehab in a couple of weeks. She is going into a recovery house. Is that different then a halfway house? If so what's the difference.

[Slippers]

It's the same thing. She'll live there, and will have rules to follow, such as doing chores, a curfew, etc. She will probably have treatment groups to attend (frequency varies from house to house), and AA/NA meetings to attend. Hopefully they will assist her to eventually find a job, etc.

S

[vetswife]

Thank you slipper.

She's been in half way houses before. They are calling this one a recovery house. She never did too well in the halfway houses, they always let her come home too early. I was hoping that a recovery house was more simular to a rehab.

keeping fingers crossed that she makes it!

[RACEKA]

How's her attitude? Does she seem positive?

[vetswife]

She doesn't want to go, she wants to come home. She visited yesterday, she was aloud to come home for a few hours. Which she was a good 3 1/2 hours late getting off the train (?). She said that she was window shopping, that she hasn't been in a mall in a couple years (the train station in either in the mall or next to it), plus she said the train is under construction, and it was Sunday (less departures on the weekend), I don't know, it's really hard to trust her. I waited at the train station for over an hour with my kids in the car, I finally left, my Mom picked her up a couple hours later (when she called).

She wants to get a job, she's not sure if the recovery house will let her. She's already starting to show signs of repeating the process; Home.. act up.. kicked out.. Homeless.. Jail.. rehab.. recovery house/halfway house.. Home again.

She doesn't seem different to me. I don't think this time will be any different. Maybe she'll surprise me.

It's not that I don't want her too, I just don't want to give my hopes up. I have sooooooo many times in the past. I use to stay up at night crying for her safety, so worried about her. I don't let myself get emotionally attached to her any more, it hurts to much when she doesn't succeed. I don't know if this is a good thing or not, I've just become numb.

Oops! I didn't mean to get into all of that!

Thanks for listening, sometimes it's good to write it down, even though no one might be listening.

[splitimage]

Vetswife,

I hate to say this, but you and your kids are the most important people in your situation. No addict is going to get / stay clean until they really want to. You can't let her drag you down with you. I'm a little unclear on the living situation - do you / she live with your parents? Is there anyway you can say no or get your parents to say no to her coming home and that she has to go to the recovery house. It might seem harsh now, but in the long run, it's probably the best thing for her. if she just gets what she wants then there are in her mind no negative consequences for using, and she'll simply continue to want to use and will eventually use. I know it cost me an awful lot before I was ready to quit drinking, and even once I decided I wanted to stop I relapsed a couple of times.

I know she's your sister and that you care about her, but sometimes the best thing you can do for an addict is let them know that they can't be part of your life until they get and stay clean.

Sorry if this is harsh - I just want to make sure that you look after yourself through all of this.

--splitimage

[vetswife]

Thank you splitimage. I am fine in all of this. My sister is 31 and has been in and out of rehab since she was 17. I have gone through all of the stages. I've worried for her, I've cried for her, I've hated her, I've mourned for her, I've felt nothing for her and now I just want to support her for my Mom. I have emotionally detached myself from my sister. I don't wish her any ill will. I see how my sisters problems distresses my Mom. If I am mad at my sister, it will upset my Mom more. My Mom always gets so hopeful for her recovery. She always says "this time is different". It's sad because I can see her unconditional love for her and how much these two screw ups for siblings I have keep hurting my Mom. It's kind of like I'm here for my sister, for my Mom. If that makes any sense.

I don't live with my parents I and my husband live in our own house with our three kids. I, my brother and sisters go to my moms every weekend. We are a very close family. When my sister falls off the wagon and I know that there could be drugs at my Moms house, I, nor my other sisters will go there until she leaves. And that will force my Mom to kick her out. It's hard to force my Mom to make such a move, but we are not going to put our children in jeopardy and my Mom understands that.

But as for this Sunday; the train station is on my way to my Moms, so I was picking my sister up for her.

Thank you splitimage and raceka for your replies and support.

[Slippers]

Even been to an Al-Anon meeting?

http://www.nj-al-anon.org/

That's the website for NJ.

Slippers

[bmoz]

Let her be trustworthy. Keep her occupied. Conversation for future. If you know this is it she will too. Interact as if she is clean forever. Let her in. Benjamin

[RACEKA]

It is so hard to let go. No matter how hard you try they will still do what they want to do. I know you said you can't make it to Alanon meetings because of your kids, but try your local library for their books. "The courage to change", "one day at at time". They can give you some support. There are also books on the subject of letting go. Keep talking about it.

My son will be homeless on Friday. He can't live here because I have a protection order. I would have to prove to the court that he has really changed in order to drop it and that hasn't happened. My T would choke me if I let him in my house! He hasn't been using drugs, but he doesn't have a job. I took him out to dinner on Monday and bought him some clothes and shoes and a monthly bus pass to help him out. He just doesn't put enough time into looking for a job. He could have at lease 40 application in a week. That would be 160 a month. Surely he would have come up with something by now. I told him if he would come up with a job to afford a apartment I would help him start a apartment. He has no motivation. This is also where I have to watch the co dependency. Co dependency is not only about drugs. It's helping someone when they could be helping themselves. So now I have to worry about where is he going to go to live on Friday. I seem more concerned about it than he does. I hope he finds somewhere to stay. Live is not easy.