[rainbowdove]

Hi to all,
Just for a brief background, I've been treated for DID for four years with the help of an excellent therapist.
Shortly before that another doctor put me on Ativan. He gives me 45 tablets at a time whenever I call the pharmacy.
They used to help with anxiety but now they don't seem to help at all. But I can't stop taking them, Ive tried. I was down to 1/4 milligram at night but then crept up again in dosage.
I'm very, very sensitive to all medications, even OTC and small doses affect me more than the average person. But for some reason Atavan doesn't seem to affect me greatly.
A couple of weeks ago the anxiety was so bad that I overdosed by taking over 10 milligrams during one day. When I take a lot of it I feel very unanchored and paranoid, kind of like when someone drinks alchohol.
Lately, the anxiety is so bad at times that I've taken to grinding up the atavan and liquifiying it, then injecting.
I don't want to go into great detail on how I do this because it's embarrassing and I don't want to upset anyone.
Nighttime has become a nightmare. I'm taking large doses just to get to sleep and having a lot of trouble with memory.
I don't know if this is a drug problem or not. My therapist agreed to "hold on" to any extra atavan I have so I won't take too much. But I keep finding it stored away in my desk and in other hiding places.
Because of DID I think another personality is obtaining extra atavan but I'm not sure how.
This is so confusing and I'm not sure if I'm making a lot of sense. i go through the day in a fog most of the time.
Please, if someone could give insight I would be very grateful.

Rainbow

[hamstergirl]

Hi,

From what you told me, it definitely sounds like a drug problem to me. It took great courage for you to come on here and tell us this. Many people would not be so open.

Does the person who is prescribing the Ativan know you are injecting it and hiding it away, because I think he should know. You need help kicking this addiction!

Part of the problem with some of these meds is that the patient can get hooked on them and this is what I think has happened to you. Don't knock yourself over the head about it. The important thing is what to do about it now.

Hiding drugs/alcohol away...classic sign of a drug problem.

[rainbowdove]

hamstergirl,
thank you for your reply.
The doctor prescribing this knows i've tried to stop taking it before but he doesn't know the whole story.
He has told me before if I want to stop then just taper off but it doesn't seem to work with me.
My T is trying to help in her own way but I know it's all up to me, just don't know what to do.

[misty]

I am DID also struggel with addictions. Anyway I don't know how your T is helping but our T has talked to couple of ours who have had their reasons why they do what they do. It hasn't solved the problem totally but atleast there's been progress. I use to get so upset with myself thinking I should have more control. I realize (on the good days) beating up on self acomplishes nothing.
Another thing you may want to consider is treatment and/or detox. Being under dr's, nurses and assistants care and watch can help with the problem of others sneaking to get more and atleast get you through the physical addiction. It's just some ideas to ponder and talk to your T about.

[rainbowdove]

Thanks skylrks,
It is very confusing with DID (as I'm sure you know!)
because there are a couple of people inside that do things without anyone else's knowledge, or so it seems. Just when I think things are better I'll find something hidden away or wake up with a hangover when I don't remember taking anything the night before.
I'm working on it though, or should I say we. We'll see what happens.
Rainbowdove

[misty]

I'm glad that you are here because I haven't met any other DIDer struggeling with addictions til now. I did have a sponsor in AA who was a life saver for she is the one who helped me to understand that I am not a failure unless I give up.
I myself have been responsibel for picking up that drink/drug on many occassions because I'm tired of the voices and the feelings that come with them. No offence to anyone but some times I just want them all to shut up.
Oops hope that is not breaking any rules here. Just how I feel some times.

[NicoleB]

Skylrks and rainbowdove
I am DID and I struggle with alcoholism. I have been drinking a lot lately. I had been sober for 3 years and have slipped. Last week on vacation I spent over $400 on nothing but drinking. Then yesterday I was sitting in my T's office saying what I don't have a problem with drinking. So she told me to stop then. Of course I was drunk last night. I told myself I wasn't going to drink last night, I even called a friend from AA (from back when I went to meeting) and told him I wasn't going to drink. I hung up the phone and went and bought a bottle went home. I need to stop, I just have too. I don't know what to do anymore. Sometime I too wake up with a hang over and don't remember drinking the night before. Anyway I am rambling.
Nicole

[misty]

Hi Nicole! Wow! two who are DID plus me/us that struggel with addictions/alcoholisim that just blows my mind. Forever felt out of place then found in AA/NA place to belong. Was Straight and sober off and on which I was always grateful every onunce of sobriety/clean time. The last length of time I as I know now we had was 3 yrs. Seems like all of a sudden no longer felt I belonged. Asking my self am I just one of those they say are constitutionally incapeable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigerouse honesty? I believe that is a half truth for even in the big book it talks about some who were afflicted with mental disorder (not their exact words) and went on to say that is a whole other story. Come to find out I/we needed them to continue on with that story. I've had pamphlets for dual diagnosis and had a Dr. who I worked with as TA (treatment assistant) in a treatment center with who really tried to get me to be a part of it. Maybe it's time I don't know. Have any of you heard of it or had any experiance with it?
skylrks

[NicoleB]

Skylrks
I am confused. Have I heard of what? Sorry my brain is not working today. I am totally lost today.
Nicole

[misty]

Oops! about Dual Diagnosis support groups. Was wondering if anyone has info on those. I know they are for those with alcohol/drug addiction plust mental illness but never been to one.

[NicoleB]

I have heard of them but I don't have a clue how to find one. I guess you could ask your T, if you haven't already.
Nicole

You'll probably have the best luck my contacting your local county mental health agency, and also try your local NAMI office. One of them would know if there is a dual dx group in your area.

Also, AA meetings have plenty of people participating who are just like the PsychCentral folks. People with mh problems are all over! I'll bet if you went to an AA meeting, there would be other people with a mh dx there. Maybe not DID, but something special! Maybe try for a women's meeting? Lot's of females find them more comfy. Good luck! emmy

[wisewoman]

I am responding to the ativan question. I took it ever so briefly and was lucky not to get addicted. There are a couple of points I want to make. If you are having panic, anxiety, and it's taking tons of attivan to help then you need a different drug. That may sound like "duh" but I think a lot of the time we self medicate because we can't stand the feelings. There are many non-habit forming drugs out there you can take for anxiety. Ask your doc about one of the SSRIs. Also, you are not a hopeless cause. Indeed you can taper down on the attivan. As for shooting it up, well that's scarey. You are messing with awful consequences there. It is a very fast acting drug if you let it melt under your tongue. It is the kind of drug that if you are taking 5 mg daily, you would want to take 4.75 for a 10 day period, then 4.5 for ten days etc. I have seen people seriously addicted and stealing or forging scripts to get it. You may want to come clean with your doc and ask for another med, once that dose gets to where it is therapeudic you can start tapering the attivan. People with panic often panic that they are going to have panic? Make sense? You can do what you choose with this. There is only one big issue I see which is pretty soon you will not have acess to enough of the drug to feed your habit and it will lead down a not so great path in one way or another. Good luck.

[rainbowdove]

My therapist says atavan is terrible for people who have DID but another doc put me on it 4 years ago and family doc always fills prescription, but there are other ways to find it too.
Thank you for words of advice Wisewoman...I'm still trying to sort this out.

[misty]

Thanks emmy! Found an NAMI office no more than 20 miles from here. Going to get more info later.