[Steppalee]

I am worried..about myself...im not too well...im kinda sick...im pretty depressed....low low low...

but i put up this wonderful amazing front and smile and laugh and talk...and then i go home and hide in bed and can't cope to open my eyes...im sick..i cry all night...im living a lie....

Because whenever i ask friends for help or tell them im sick...they leave...they all leave in the end...coz i think they want to help me..and the feeling of being helped is too amazing for me not to take take take..coz it feels so good to be loved...so i take too much...and i pay for it very badly..because no matter all i will do..no matter how nice i am..i am not worth the effort..the bad outways the good...and that kills me inside...

anyway to get to the poin of my post...i am coming off methadone...fast...everyone thinks im amazing....they think im so strong...im getting so many admirations and it feels good...

Im comng off it well..in terms of physically...im not feeling it...

but emotionally im a wreck....

im racing against time...

coz i know that when im finally off it im gonna go out and be seduced by the lover which is HHHHHHHH and let it infiltrate my body as my blood pumps through my veins....and its gonna be amazing,,.a love affair..with my best friend....who will never leave me...NOT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE...

i said it...

ive failed before i've even got there...

im so ashamed...

but i can't get it out of my mind,,

just once..just one time...

but isn't that what they all say...

i don't want to do it...

but im afraid im not going to be able to stop myself...

[Christina86]

Hi again ((((((((Steppalee))))))))) (I responded to another one of your posts earlier)

You can do this, you might have difficulty stopping by yourself - but I know if you ask for help from (good) reliable friends, they'd be willing to help. If not that, have you ever gone to an NA (Narcotics Anonymous) group? There would probably be a lot of support there - people who would totally understand and could help you through more than people on the other side of computer screen.

You haven't failed. You won't fail. You *could* fall, but I think you won't because you've recognized the thought patterns and now realize that you can stop things before they start - just because you think about doing something, doesn't mean you *have* to do it. Do you have a therapist or someone else to talk to?

[Steppalee]

hello again...and thankyou so much for answering my posts..im new and it is nice to see an already familiar face....
i don't want to fail...but the thoughts are out of control..
every night i fall asleep mesmerising about my one last time....when i've come of methadone....
that one last amazing beautiful time...
and i know its wrong
i know it won't be so amazing the next day
after i come down and hit the ground as hard as possible...

it is so true that the higher you go..the harder you fall...

and i don't want to fall hard...

im not going to fail...but by god i want to...

its just so tempting......
the temptation..

like a child who walks into a room with chocolate sitting on a table for them....

who wouldn't take it...

but im not a child

i may have a child inside me...but i need to take control

i hate addiction.....

[nowheretorun]

im sure it comes as no surprise to you Stepp that it is up to you to make this choice.. you and only you can control this addiction.. if you do decide to control it you will have lots of support and help.. you also know what will happen if you do not control it... praying that you will have the required strength to defeat the monster.. his needs are not so different than your own and he is telling you that if you walk his path all things good will come your way.. this is only in your mind that this goodness he speaks of can happen.. in reality you can have all the liar is telling you that you can have and you can have it all for real, not a dream... you can have it by choosing health... best hopes for you always...

[DePressMe]

Steppalee, the lure of the promised euphoria drugs can potentially give us is powerful, consuming and wicked. But, I have often been disappointed and let down by the promise that the high will be "perfect." What ruins it for me is that even while I am super high, I can't enjoy it because I am already obsessively thinking about how I am going to get my next high.

And, yeah, I won't lie, sometimes drugs do feel so damn good that the risk of taking them almost seems worth it. ALMOST! I don't know about you, but I am pretty sure that my addiction was trying to not only destroy my life, but it was trying to kill me in whatever way it could--heart attack from overdose or murdered by some other drug addict for my pocket change or whatever.

Drugs make many empty promises about making me feel good, and sometimes they sorta follow through with a brief euphoria, but the only thing I am absolutely certain drugs ALWAYS have to offer me is ultimate despair and my eventual death.

I did not use H, I was into crack. So, I can only somewhat relate to your feelings. I know how incredibly all consuming cravings can be and how desperate they can sometimes make us feel. I know that no matter how bad my cravings get that I will always survive them and they will eventually ease up--sometimes it seems like they are going to last forever and they will drive me insane if I don't use. But so far, I have lived through all of them and they have not caused me to go insane.

In the battle to stay clean it seems like the drugs have an unfair advantage over us--they have all the power and nothing to lose. They can hit us physically hard and fast or they can come on slowly through tantalizing fantasies that continually play out in our minds.

I swear, sometimes it seems like there is no peace from my addiction. There are times that it seems like it just never lets up. Getting high is all I can think about and the drug using fantasies make me feel like I am going through physical withdrawal.

But, I am absolutely certain that I definitely want to stay clean and I am completely capable of resisting/managing the cravings. No matter what that nasty, lying addiction promises me, I know that remaining clean is my only chance at staying alive and maybe even being happy.

Steppalee, do whatever you need to do to stay clean. Keep fighting the cravings. Counter the seducing drug using fantasies with the realities of addiction and death.

You sound like you understand addiction and like you have been around recovery, so I hope none of my post offended you or made you feel like I was preaching at you. I don't mean any of it in that way. I think a part of me wrote this post so I could "hear" myself say it and reinforce my commitment to recovery.

I needed to write this reply to your post because even though I really do firmly believe all of what I wrote, sometimes I have to remind my inner addict that I can stay clean and that drugs are nothing more than trouble. No matter how tempting the promise of the euphoria is, the only thing drugs absolutely guarantee me is suffering and eventual death.

Right now, I am battling my own cravings and it has helped me to write this out. So, Steppalee, thanks for sharing part of your struggles, you have helped me to stay clean for yet another day.

[Steppalee]

THank you for reiterating the consequences of using...
I needed to hear it....
I needed to remind myself of how close death once was...
so close i was looking it in the eye...

yet i didn't have a care in the world...
not for you , not for me,,
not for the world or even the drugs...

Your post helped me today....
because i just drove my friend home from uni...
and she told me she had been smoking J's
and offerred me to share that experience she was experimenting with..

and my mind just went into overdrive..
I CAN GET IT>..I CAN GET IT NOW...
ITS NOT HHHHH BUT ITS GOOD ENOUGH>>
I CAN GET HIGH NOW>>
I CAN LIE>>>I CAN LIE TO EVERYONE AND GET AWAY WITH IT...
I wanted it so bad...
just to get high...

But then my brain started talking..
and even if i didn't totally convince myself..
I said the words..
Im clean and im staying that way forever and NO i DON"T want to get high with you...and im NOT sorry...IN FREAKIN PROUD...

Each day is a struggle...
the cravings never seem to end,,
the lies i think of making don't stop..

but im clean...clean clean..just like you depressme...

hold your head high and be proud..
for i know how hard it can be...

Im going to be off methadone by christmas it seems...
im proud of myself...
but im scared....

scared of not being strong enough...

but im trying so damn hard that i think i might succeed!!

[splitimage]

Way to go stepallee,

That's the attitude, you're clean, you want to hang on to that, and you should be hard. I know how hard it is, when cravings get bad, but you got to remember how bad that life was and how you don't want to go there again.

Good for you for saying no to your friend.

--splitimage

[Steppalee]

thankyou....

taking drugs...getting addicted....i was so ashamed to admit it and seek help..

yet coming off....i can't help but feel a little proud of myself...

it was so hard...

now i have to quit smoking and then i have succeeded in killing all my vices....

yay!!!!!

goodluck to everyone.. :-)

[DePressMe]

Steppalee, Lols, I found that there always seems to be some type of vice in my life. Everytime I get rid of one, up pops a new one that I did not notice before! One just replaces another and I often have several to choose from!

Although, over time, they are becoming "healthier vices." Each vice gets a little less extreme in nature and a little easier to manage. Having a vice of eating too many chocolate chip cookies is definitely better than smoking crack!

But, it does feel good to have the "big vice" of drugs out of my life. Like you, smoking is my last big vice I need to overcome.

So, don't worry, if you manage to quick smoking there are many more vices to wrestle with! My guess is you will have many more come your way to keep you busy in your recovery.

[DePressMe]

Oh, yeah, congrats on getting clean!!! It is a big deal and it is good that you feel proud of it. Congrats!