needed to sleep

l know l shouldnt and l know its bad but head is so busy, so stressed right now, alters going crazy dont know how to calm

wanted to drink so bad so that could go to sleep have some peace....did not drink even though its there right here its here they are stocking up for christmas and once again l need to be strong ...............it stares me in the face almost talking to me ,calling me to pick it upcant so what l been doing

l been taking too many meds doubling sleep tabs and taking diazepam to take away this inner panic that rises in me during the night when l cant rest when the alcohol is there and all are alsleep......l am weak so weak want to take it want to drink it but know l cant so drug myself to sleep in the hope that it wont return but l wake and its there staring at me its like this torture calling to me.
today l didnt wake til 3pm too many pills again but its the only way that l sleep unless l go days and wait for exhaustion to come.........so so ashamed of self so weak and pathetic...........l just want to sleep and switch off this heasd put away my thoughts for a while and just feel normal instaed of confused and weak and pathetic. Please dont hate me l know that l should try harder..............l will try harder ............l will do better its just its so so hard

we don't hate you... I don't hate you... we love our friend.

you're hurting and have had very few hours of sleep for a long time now... sleeping on the couch getting no proper sleep... The more tired you get the more the head will tell you to do things that aren't so good. Your brain is tired and the solution of taking more pills seemed like a good idea then to numb it all out and get the long awaited sleep. It's not good and it's dangerous taking too many pills... as you of course know. The good thing is that you do know and you're even letting us know. You know it's a thing you shouldn't have done and that is the first step towards finding a way not doing it again. Please let your T know about this so she can guide you.

The bottles haunting your eyes... can they be put in a cupboard for you not to see them? I really wish your hubby could see the need of getting it all out of the house... but I know... no point dwelling over that...
You remember the "good - words - about - Mandy" you have in that jar? Maybe you could keep that nearby and pick up one of the pieces of paper and read the encouraging words immediatly as you can feel the urges coming?
I know you can do this! You've done so much progress over the last couple of months. I'm proud of you, my friend! I have faith in you!

sil'andscared please excuse me for not knowing but have you connected up with some kind of alcohol support group or a 12 step recovery program? IMHO, that is the only way i could have gotten or stayed sober. i was married to a functional alcoholic and he was not supportive of my getting sober. he kept beer in the house. had i not had a good support group i know i could not have been able to stay sober. i eventually divorced....he wanted me to stay his "drinking partner",as we say.
i hope you will not try to go this process alone. it is sooo hard and getting/staying sober is challenging without the aloneness too.
keep us posted on how you're doing...the holidays are sometimes a stressor just all by itself.

no help no support he just thinks it funny
and l have no will power just wanted to sleep to stay away from all this stuff

thanks for the reply,ss. you didn't mention if you had considered AA. that is where i found the support i needed. if you need a ride someone will come and pick you up for a meeting. it will be a recovering person who wants to help the next person who wants to get sober and stay sober. (request a woman to pick you up.) AA hotline numbers are in the phone book, if you want to try my suggestion. make sure you call alcoholics anonymous. some other numbers can be misleading. i will pray for you. stay strong and don't lose hope.
as for will power..we alcoholics are not successful with will power alone. that is why we need to help each other.

Just started reading your story and I don't know you enough to give advice. But this I will say:

IT IS NOT ABOUT WILL POWER!!! ADDICTION IS A DISEASE!!! YOU ARE NOT MORALLY DEFECTIVE!!!

Call a helpline, get to a meeting, hang out with people that will understand your struggles and will carry about nothing but helping you. And without knowing it you will be helping them, too.
Post anytime you have a question or send me an email. Sobriety is a journey - not a destination.

Love,
Scooterb

Just wanted to let you know that we are thinking of you...


Cap

Thinking of you ((((((((((((((( mandy ))))))))))))))))