[kofash_muhamed_906]

ohh ....just like the old days ..when a friend talled me that its gonna be allright ..& talled me that thers nothing wrong with knowing that im wrong & that i need to change & do something right with my life ...

my problem started when i was about 16 years old ...i lost my mother ..& my father wasint the kind of man who is willing to take his & her place in the same time ...there ..i found my self alone ..with no parents ..to one to guide me ...no one to love me ...& i grow up in a bad neighbor hood ..& it was so easy for me to find the wrong side ...all the good people didnt understand me ...i wasint a strong kid or a cool person ....the only people who really was intrested in me were "the bad people " & it was the only side i felt that i belong to.....

now am 42 turning 25 in a few days ..& i did all kind of drugs ...& used to hang out with people who sells it & help them doin it ,& get payed for it ...doin deliverys ..carrying weapons & keeping them save with me for the next deall or somethings ..i almost got shot more than one time ....i used a gun a gainst others ...
& i dont really know what exactly that i am addicted to...i sniff alot of things ..& smokes alot of things .& swallo & drink too ...

i have turned so wrong ...long time ago ..& breaking away wont be easy ...& i think am gonna trun to worst person with time...

i dont say that am still doing all i say ....i try not to ...but when i dont have money to get my drugs ..i do things ."favors" ..i know those people are using me ...i know they do not care about me ..they only care about thiere business ....

the worst part of it is when i owe them ...it take alot to pay back ...
& lately i started to hate the person i became ....
i wanna make up my life again ...but my body is not helping me ..my body keeps on wanting those stuff ....stuff that i can only get by ways that humanity dosint have anything to do with it ...

my family knows that im in kind of trouble ..they think that i have a drinking problem ...or night clubs addiction issue ....if they knew about what is really goin on with me ....they will be shocked ...
i have lost more that 20 jobs till now ...i have a job now & i dont think i could keep till next week .....

there are things in life u cant feel ..u can only feel if u live it ....
my phone keeps on ringing ..& sometimes i dont wanna answer it ....

thanx alot for the sweet posts (knothead) & (cathrean)

PEACE

I never thought at age 40 I would have gotten caught up in a drug.

Both choices I gave myself were wrong... and extremely deadly.

Well, 4 years later.... monies gone, house, childrens coins etc....

Of course tried and tried and tried............................

The people dealing the stuff know when you're about to.....

Then you see stuff that triggers..... even simple, I mean simple

Even on television when seeing people getting jailed for it.... trigger

Staying away from, had to move, only to run myself back to them, changing phone numbers, not looking at street names......

I would see others and think "hey I must be missing something" or "I want to be a part of something".
That there is just crazy... no good ever came to that....
That after effects: low self-esteem, not being able to think straight, lying....

It's not easy. It doesn't just poof go away.
Also seemed when I found something that finally got me away and I realized that and acknowledged it was the same day I'd blow it.

I even tried those AA DAA programs but they trigger me to go do.

I'm older now and I see what it has done to some of my memory, spelling, etc.... it's like a type of thing old people get. It's embarrassing.

But, science HAS NOW PROVEN CELLS CAN GROW BACK...

Also tell you went was off for a while and did - I saw that thing exactly like the old people thing....

It's not easy... what is... but what you'll begin to feel inside your own brain (mine especially self-esteem) is an eye opener.... of ....

Blah Blah.... I think you get me.

Remember though - They know when you're due.... they'll call, come around, ..... mine did. He even knew each month my monies...
And why = CAUSE THAT PAID HIS DANG CAR BILL OR WHATEVER.

[knothead]

I'm really glad that you wrote again, I had been wondering if you were okay. No matter how bad things seem at times, talking about it helps.

I don't think you are a bad person, no matter what you say. You feel bad about the things you are doing and know they are wrong. Plus it sounds as if you are really wanting to change your life. I think you realize that the people around you don't really care about you. Just like Starlite said, they know when you are feeling desperate and needy -- they just want your money and could care less what it is doing to you.

You mentioned that you sniff a lot of things -- that just by itself can really alter your perceptions and make things seem hopeless. I think you should reach out to your family and just ask for help. You've got a lot of things to overcome and you're going to need their support. I know it's scary having to admit that you're in over your head, but sometimes you just have to make yourself do it. You're right, they may be shocked at first but they'll get over it, that's what family is for, after all.

I hope you'll keep posting about this and continue to talk about it. Just don't give up, okay??

[yutzman]

I have also made many bad choices in my life......drugs, alcohol, dealing....breaking many laws but never was caught.....I'm 52 and still trying to climb out of that hole.....Just know that 'all at once' is too much. Take a little each day, or hour, or minute.......be aware of what you have decided to do and focus on it...I've read what you have written here today and feel very positive about your resolve.....
May you also find PEACE in what you have chosen to do.......yutzman