Working out acoa issues. One step at a time. Bit long and rambling.

Every day when I wake up I have been trying to find comfort in the statement, "one day at a time." Sometimes I have to say it over and over again. The last week has been especially difficult. I don't know why. I have been managing to do more to take care of myself, the methods of trying to heal -- therapy twice a week, couples therapy once a week, Al Anon once a week and ACoA for the first time this week. Maybe all of that is taking a toll. I am just so tired of feeling "stuck." So I feel compelled.
I don't know what else to do with myself.
I know that being an adult child can bring on issues in both work and in relationships. My relationship with my partner has been a struggle but has been pretty successful (still with many issues on both sides). But we have both been working hard on our relationship for the 4 years that we have been in it. Work, on the other hand, has been impossible. Over the past 4 years since I've been in this relationship with my partner, I have finished at my last job and only had 1 other that didn't even last a year. And when I left it, I had a nervous breakdown and slept for two weeks. I am constantly frustrated at what work means to me. It is where I have seen most of the scars from my traumatic past. My mother (an alcoholic) has had over 60+ jobs since she began working and (in part) attributed her depression to every one of them. As an excellent worker, she did well in every one. But -- it was never right. Both of my parents made it clear to me that work was necessary evil. There are many other reasons that the idea of work outside the home is so confusing to me. I am not totally sure yet how one can work outside the home and not give themself up completely; sell their body, mind and soul so to speak. There are other reasons why I feel like no decision about work I will ever make is right. Until I come to new realizations about myself in the world I will try to keep the household going and keep working on myself... and doing my artwork.
I often ask, "what is WRONG with me??" Why can't I just function like every body else I see. Have a job, have a relationship, keep it together, it's no big DEAL! But... it is a big deal.
This morning I spent some time browsing some self-help books online. One title caught my eye: After The Tears.
The title caught my eye because I have been wanting to say that my role as an adult daughter has passed.
That was then, this is now. The thing is, it hasn't passed.
I never sobbed as much or as hard as the last time I went to visit my mother. I felt my entire body melt into a puddle of despair brought on by her drinking and yelling. The last time I went to see my dad, he couldn't walk straight when he got up from the meal. His wife had to steady him as we walked around a store together later on, so he wouldn't fall into the produce. Ugh. This all still effects me. I admit it. I am NOT out of the anger period because this s*^t is still happening. I am trying to apply what I have heard in meetings or read in program-approved literature. Just... such a slow process. All in all I want to (try to?) let myself grieve more. This kind of stuff would mess someone up, I try to say to myself, anyone.
It's hard, life is hard. I am trying to be more gentle with myself. I guess. Trying.
Thanks for listening.
E.

I'm in a rush right now, Elana05, and will write more later, but I wanted to send you some quick hugs!

elena, i've been so happy to see your progress. 'member the beginning? you've made more progress than you realize right now. keep everything simple...you didn't get this way overnight and getting well will take time too.
btw, do you have a sponsor? i forget, but a sponsor can help you a lot one on one. she's been where you now are when she first went to al-anon or ACOA.talking about how you feel at meetings helps too. that way they can support you in need.
crying is absolutely healthy for you cause you're "vomiting" up the pain-sorry for the graphic phrase- but that's what the crying is about. you've had the courage to look at yourself rather than keeping up the hard vebeer like everything's ok.
if you can for now i'd avoid much contact with your parents. it just reminds you of what you're trying to get out of your life...their drinking and how much it has affected you.
pm me anytime at all. have to stop for now. you have courage and are brave to face this and get on with your OWN life. if they choose to stay in the problem, YOU don't.
hugs to you, elena. here for you.

Hi again Elana05; you've been here a lot longer than I have, I see, and it sounds like you've made some wonderful progress in addressing issues and emotions, and relationships, etc., so I am a bit timid about responding now.

I can identify so strongly with your descriptions of your parents (e.g., your dad not being able to walk straight) and your reactions to them now as an adult. Ugh! I'm not out of the anger phase yet, either, even though I certainly should be. Your post made me rethink my own avoidant approach (or should I say, lack of approach!).

I admire you for the work you have done to confront this stuff.