Tired of pretending nothing is wrong

My childhood was filled with drug abuse, alcohol abuse, cheating, chaos, unpredictability, etc. I managed to escape the cycle and live a good life - I have been married to a man I love for 25 years, I have been successful in my career, we have three good kids, etc. I suffer from depression and anxiety but manage to keep it in check so I can live a good life.

However, the last few years of parenting my own teens made me realize just how unsuitable the environment I grew up in was, and I have found myself distancing myself from my parents (their behavior is still the same). Being with them causes me great anxiety, although I just fake my way through their visits. Thankfully, I do not see them often.

But it seems now that they have noticed my distance and are pushing me to spend more time with them. I'm tired of pretending nothing is wrong but am not sure what to do next. Is is worth it to tell the truth? Would that likely estrange me from them forever? Or do I just put up with visits 2-3 times a year to keep the peace? In our family, we NEVER talk about anything emotional or important, so none of these childhood issues have ever been discussed.

I feel very little for my parents; no real affection and no anger. I just don't like to be around them.

Any input other have would be appreciated.

First of all we seems to have very different ways to deal with our families. Second I still live with the problem.

I was in a single parent home with an alcoholic mother. The issue came to the surface when I was 12 years old and she had fallen and I couldn't wake her up. I called my grandparents. We talked about the issue for a short period of time and by short I mean 5 minutes. Then they swept it under the rug. Every time I brought up the topic I was shot down. Every time I tried to express emotional distress to do the alcoholism and abuse I was told it was my fault. It turned into a huge fight and wasn't worth it. Occasionally I still pick at it but I drains my energy and takes me quite some time to recover. I like you have little feeing for my one parent. I just can't wait until university is over and I can move out. I will never look back.

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It's really up to you. If you care to figure out a way to manage your feelings during visits.. is it worth it to you? They probably will never change. Do you have a professional to vent with ... or us of course. It's hard to be around those that we have resentful feelings for.... especially if they have no idea. Do things on your terms. Ultimately it's your life with the people you choose to spend your time with.

My parents were divorced when I was really young, my mother the alcoholic. My dad had custody, but we still went to visit, so still had a lot of exposure. My dad remarried, SM was abusive. I have a lot of the same feelings you do. I have a daughter that made me realize just how BAD things really were in my house and at my mom's. My mom is passed and I see my dad and SM rarely. I have tried in the past to tell my dad about my early life, but he doesn't want to know. If he knows, he feels like he would have to DO something. So nothing in our family is ever talked about. I also have a sister who is an alcoholic, and we don't discuss that either.

Why don't I cut them off completely and tell them all to go jump in a lake? In all honesty, it is a selfish plot. When they pass, I want my inheritance. It isn't much, but if I get half the value of the house, that is a chunk. I deserve that. If I make a HUGE stink, I may lose that. Isnt that terrible!!!

dogmom42
My advice is go no contact, have nothing to do with them. I would not want people like like anywhere near my kids.

TerriLynn
Why don't I cut them off completely and tell them all to go jump in a lake? In all honesty, it is a selfish plot. When they pass, I want my inheritance. It isn't much, but if I get half the value of the house, that is a chunk. I deserve that. If I make a HUGE stink, I may lose that. Isnt that terrible!!!

No, not terrible at all, you deserve it. It doesn't make up for the way you were treated for one second but its better than nothing!
So, keep up those visits, play the game.

I did the same.

I completely agree with you TerriLynn! I would do the same!

I am not talking to my mother at this time. She and dad swept things under the rug as did my dad's mother. She, however, adored me and so that was the exception. She always protected/enabled my father, but looking back, that didn't spoil my love for her.

Now, my mother will just not talk or change the subject. There's emotional & sexual abuse, alcoholism and my brother's suicide. God knows the subject of his death is not discussed. I have some ideas of why he took his life. Years ago I ran into some friends of his from his church. I know more of his life and the demons he struggled with. That really helped me grieve and move on.

Now mom has moved on to my daughters who are in college. I don't want to speak poorly of her, but now I see where SHE has pushed them away. Kids that age today know more than when I was their age.

Anyway, I say do what feels right for you at this time. You can always change your mind or modify what YOU think is best. Hang in...

I understand where you're coming from. I only came to fully realize as a parent, how truly awful parts of my childhood were. And it made me hate my father even more. Now, I don't hate him but I don't like him either. I feel no more affection for him than I would for the guy sitting next to me on the train. Yet, I still fake my way through these visits. I often ask myself why. Not much advice here but I definitely restrict his access to my kids. He's not a good example and my oldest has begun to notice what a dirtbag he can be and how selfish he is. Do whatever feels best for you. I wish you luck and peace of mind.

You have raised an issue in your life. Why don't you seek help from a councillor or group on how to heal you heart and life from the effects of alcoholism. I was so happy to find I didn't have to be superman any more. If something is too hard for me to deal with, I let myself cry and take a break when I need it. Keeping the focus on me, helps me be kinder to others because I am being kind to myself. It is also manageable which is really nice.