I am struggling with food

I have anorexia. There I have said it. I am 41 and I have been struggling with this since forever. I am tall and thin and I shouldn't have to worry about food but I do. A LOT.

I think about it all day. I worry about it. I get depressed after I have eaten something and feel bloated and feel like it is going to make me gain weight. It is ridiculous.

My therapist is always trying to get me to eat little bits of food all day long and not worry about what I weigh and stuff like that.

My psychiatrist has another take on it which I like much better, which is to eat super healthy and not worry what I weigh even if I loose a few pounds, not a big deal to her. She has me eating TONS of greens and is helping me loose a little so that I can get to my goal weight which is TOTALLY reasonable and not ridiculous. I know we can't talk numbers but I promise it isn't unreasonable and even though it is a small number to lose it would make me totally happy and would make it so that I could fit into all my pants which is a whole other issue.

I am VERY tall and I own about 20 pairs of looooong pants that fit a slim me. I have gained a couple and now they don't 'quite' fit. That is why I am trying to loose a little. I can NOT afford to by new pants in any way that is why I am trying to fit into my old pants. And the fact that I WANT to fit into my old pants because I am happy in my old pants. I feel comfortable there. I want to be that thin again.

So I have opposing Dr.'s which is weird. So of course I am following the advice of the Dr. that I like the advice from best but I STILL feel like things aren't going well in the brain department. I am still freaked out about food and worrying about it and feeling gross and ugly and 'fat' and bloated and just plain yucky.

I just can't get this all out of my head so I wanted to get it out here and share my weird story and see if that helped...

C and Oliver (My Service Dog)

You are posting in a place where people understand. It's tough because, as you know, anorexics aren't reasonable about what a healthy weight is.

I know you want to get back into your clothes, but the main thing is to be healthy.

I 'think' losing just a tiny bit of weight to get into my pants is going to be ok. I mean it is a tiny amount. I am eating REALLY healthy. A green shake in the morning and then greens and greens and more greens with some protein thrown in.

My pdoc is really into nutrition and is totally ok with me doing this so I 'think' it is reasonable and I will be SOOOO happy to fit into my pants. I won't lose any more after that I guarantee. That is my only goal and I used to wear these pants for like 10 years with no problems.

I guess one of my issues is that I am 41 now and I don't want a 41 year old body I want the body that fits into the pants that I have been wearing for the last 10 years. Seems reasonable. I don't have kids or anything so there should be no major changes.

I know my brain is obsessed with wearing those pants for two reasons. One is that I WANT to fit into those pants and I am SO close.

Two is that I literally can Not afford new pants. That is just not an option. I can not afford to buy a single pair of pants right now. All I am buying are the absolute necessary items. Gas, food, dog vet, horse board, car insurance and so on... I wont even buy a single song on itunes. I mean not a penny on anything. I certainly am not going to throw out 20 pairs of pants when I can 'almost' fit into them.... Do you know what I mean?

C and Oliver (my Service Dog)

Am I really just sounding like a crazy anorexic person? I just don't know anymore...

C. and Oliver (my Service Dog who just can't tell me if I am nutz or not)

Beats me. I can't see how thin you are. Plus, I am a blimp, and I just ate a bunch of donuts, so what do I know? I have a closet full of size small to size extra-large clothes--just in case.

However, that said, just please go along with what you doc tells you.

Please eat healthy - include all the food groups.

I don't think I am 'that' thin. I mean I eat. Most of the time I can't control what I eat. Especially when my husband is gone. I just can't control my snacking. Then I feel SO horrible and out of control. I just can't seem to get down to where my darn pants fit. Which goes to show I am certainly not starving myself or anything.

I though for sure that eating tons of salads and cooking healthy greens like my Dr. suggested was going to be so super healthy that I was going to be the perfect weight but I actually gained weight!

I am so frustrated and feel so out of control right now...

C and Oliver

I have discovered the hard way that eating salads isn't necessarily good, especially with ingredients such as lots of pecans, high-calorie dressings, etc. I am a hypocrite for even asking, but are you doing exercises such as walking, riding a bike, etc.?

I am not putting 'too' much on my salads and cooking my greens with the tiniest bit of oil and some garlic.

It is probably my horrible non-ability to control myself when I get hungry and I grab a little mouthful of something. I used to be so good at control and now I feel like I have none.

I can't do much exercise because of my pain issues but I do train my dressage horse three times a week. I am upping it to five times a week because my Dr. suggested it. It will be a killer for my pain but I am going to try.

C and Oliver

I know what you mean about grabbing things between meals. I guess we need to find less fattening things. I've been craving carbs lately. Sometimes I just have urges to eat crunchy things, though.

I just wish I was in control of my own stomach and what goes into my own mouth. It is like there was some switch that got flipped that made me lose control of that one day. I don't even know when that day was.

I can handle it in the morning but once it gets past a certain point in the afternoon and all bets are off and my self control goes away. If I have the right things in the house like berries or healthy things I eat those but since I am agoraphobic my husband does all the shopping and if he doesn't shop then I go for whatever is left. Like a small handful of chips or nuts or m&m's...

It is just so frustrating. I just want to rip out all my hair! Why can't I control myself!!!!!!!!

C and Oliver

That's a good question for me, too. Maybe we should both try to do something with our hands, so we can't be using them to stuff food in our mouths. I think sometimes I eat because I'm bored, or because I am upset or depressed (emotional eating).

I need to put some healthier snacky-type foods on the grocery list. What kinds of things like that can you think of?

Berries are a huge one for me, blackberries, blueberries and strawberries. I have hubby get a ton of them and snack on those like crazy.

I like to think of chips and salsa as being healthy because the salsa is tomatoes and such but I think the chips are bad...

Bananas are good but pretty sweet. Oranges and tangerines are a good one for me because of my OCD because it takes so long for me to eat them because I peel them forever.

That is all I can think of... Now I need hubby to come back and shop for me!

C and Oliver

I've got a weird metabolic disorder where I can't most berries.

Hmmm. Yeah, an orange would work. I need to buy some more apples and pears and carrots and peaches and such.....

I like seeing your mood always 'hopeful'!

That is weird about the berries. I have become addicted to them. I would be bummed without them. Although fruit and greens would do just fine by me.

I am still at the same weight even with my husband gone last night. And yes I weight myself every morning. I know that is probably bad. (am I allowed to talk about this, I am not sure now...)Shoot.

OK, stopping. I am going to beg my tired husband to shop today because we have no good food in the house. We have bad food but no good food. I am afraid he will just want to cook the bad food and I will be too starving to resist. I hate that. I just want my greens and berries and nothing else...

I am going to go get my little exercise by riding my horse this morning even though I am EXHAUSTED and in pain. I might have to take some pain meds today and I have managed to go days without any. I have been so proud but I stayed up too late and the pain is too great.

I just couldn't sleep with him away and felt horrible about all the little snacks I couldn't resist because he wasn't here watching me. Ug!

C and Oliver

How about celery to dip in salsa in lieu of chips? Or cucumber slices?

Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you. I'm 42 and battling anorexia, too. Take care. x