Can someone help, I'm really scared?

I've always had problems with food, ever since I started high school and was told someone 'saw my face on the cover of the world's ugliest person magazine'
Ever since then, I've never taken any food to eat at school/college, and I don't eat breakfast.
I always used to eat something when I came home, but now things are starting to change and I'm really scared

I don't want anyone to think I'm doing this for attention, as that's what others have said behind my back. Trust me, I'd eat anything and everything, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week if I could.

I won't talk about numbers, as I know that can be triggering, but I've lost quite a bit of weight recently, and I'm not skinny, I only just qualify for a 'healthy weight for my height'.
I don't eat anything until I get home at 5 every night. And even then, I'll only eat a few crackers, maybe a piece of toast, and a bit of fruit. Some nights I have a microwave meal, some nights I have nothing.

When I eat, I feel gross. Like I just want to spit the food out. After I've eaten, all I want to do is throw it back up and get it out of my system because it feels horrible inside and I feel full and sick and just generally depressed. I work out afterwards, but that feeling doesn't go away.
Recently, I also went on a 4-day fast, because I was just terrified of eating and putting weight on

I'm sorry for writing all of this, I just don't know what to do or where to turn, and I'm getting stressed out because of college work and therapy finishing soon and problems at home etc. I'm also very sorry if this sounds like I'm 'attention seeking' (tell me if it does?). I guess I was just wondering if there is any advice you can give me? How would I tell my T, if I should?

Thank you in advance for reading this, I am very grateful

I'm really sorry to hear about your concern. Wow, Ugliest Person Magazine? This person needs a subscription to Better Insults Monthly. If you're getting scared, you need to tell a professional right away. Some eating disorders are unseen as they don't classify under either bulimia or anorexia. As for telling you T, tell him/her straight " I'm concerned that my eating habits/mentality are becoming dangerous. I understand I'm healthy now, but I'm afraid to stay on this track- how can I prevent it from getting worse?"
I hope this helps.

Hello adhm: Well, I certainly don't think you're attention seeking. And besides, even if you were... there's nothing wrong with getting a little attention when you need it! I don't have an eating related problem other than that I have to try not to go too far overboard... But here are my thoughts:

You mentioned therapy ending soon... may I ask why it's ending? It sounds to me as though you're still in need. It also sounds, from what you've written, like it is your therapist whom you should be calling right now.

Perhaps you need to consider becoming involved in some kind of eating disorders program. A person can't live on crackers! I don't know what is available where you live, of course. Here where I live there is an organization called The Emily Program or Foundation.

One thing that might help would be a group support kind of experience. I know I used to "poo-poo" such things myself. But once I finally got into a couple of group counseling situations I found them to be wonderfully supporting.

Anyway, those are my thoughts right off the top of my head. In addition to these ideas... keep posting here on PC! My bests wishes to you!

Oh yes, definitely discuss it with your T. It is very important that they know, because they will be the one that can help you the most in this situation.

Thank you. My T brought it up on 6th January, our first session back after Christmas. She said she remembered me talking about not eating during the day and only eating in the evening the first time we met, and she asked how that was going. I told her (I'm a terrible liar) that I'm not eating at all, and at that point, I had fasted for 4 days and had lost some weight. The next session, she asked the same thing, and I said exactly the same thing, but I hadn't lost much weight, and I told her (for some reason) that I didn't want to get help for this. I honestly don't know where I'm at sometimes during these sessions.

I'm scared to bring it up again, which is definitely not anorexic, and I'm scared that she'd class it as a phase or something not serious because I haven't lost/gained weight

Thank you. It means a lot to me.

It's ending because I'm in CBT at the moment, and I had 6 sessions (summer) before stopping, and now I've had 5 sessions, and my last session is next week. CBT is designed to last for a short period of time, and 6 sessions is the limit mostly. I've had 12. Even though there was a break in the middle, I've had quite a few more than my fair share.
I am still in need of therapy, and much more in need of my T, but it's just not meant for long-term.
I've got my T's number and email, but there are boundaries, and I've crossed them before, and I don't fancy crossing them anytime soon either... Why do you say that it is my T I should be calling?

There aren't any eating disorder units around where I live (UK), and even then I would have to be at a certain 'unhealthy' weight, and diagnosed as anorexic by my GP, which won't happen unless I am considerably underweight.
There aren't any group counselling sessions either, only ones in hospital.

I just don't know what to do

*hugggggggz* I really know how you feel with food feeling horrible inside you, but please don't starve for 4 days because of it ♥♥. I know it's the worst thing to say but it's really not healthy. The worst thing to do is not eat anything for over a day because your body goes into starvation mode meaning that -when you do eat again- your body will absorb all it can. Try and have at least 200 calories a day. It just helps staying as healthy as possible when you try and lose anything.

Hope you are doing well and are overcoming your life trials

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