[HonestlyLying]

I just left a hospital in Baltimore where I was treated for being anorexic/bulimic and wanting to be with God for eternity. No , not suicidal but craving eternal love.

I was re-fed but not treated for the emotional aspect of the weight gain. It sucks as I'm sure you know. While not being nourished I had visions of God and super revelations of pure eternal love!

Of course my doctor thought/thinks I'm suicidal but I honestly can't understand that. Who doesn't want to be submersed in PURE LOVE FOREVER?

I finally lied to get out of the psych ward but I have to say I still feel the same way. (not manic!)

I'm sorry to trigger anyone that see's this as a trigger. But I'm so happy that I've had this experience that I can't even relate the elation this brings me. My history with ana/mia has been abysmal and now I just want to be forgiving and loving to everyone now.

I suppose I am totally missing something but for the life of me I don't care.

I have found the route to eternal freedom and love so screw it, I LOVE GOD!

Yeah this is totally self-serving but it's beautiful!

I hope you too can experience something similar w/o starving but for once I found something great in my f-ed up E.D.!

LOVE TO ALL!
Lauren Ann

[kaliope]

[eskielover]

There is a difference between enjoying God's eternal love on his planned timing verses our own whether passive (anorexia/ ignoring cancer/ not taking care of medical problems that will lead to death) or active (any act considered to be suicide).

I prefer that the end of my life be on God's terms not my own....but I also understand how I value quality of life if I am going to be alive even though I still believe that in the best of situations it will be in Gods hands not mine.

The treatment center I went to only wanted to focus on body image.....there was so much other going on under my anorexia that even I didn't understand & then didn't help me understand.....that came many years later & once I was free from what was causing me to feel that way at the time.....a totally horrible marriage for way too many years that I felt trapped in with no way out.....because I couldn't see what the future had to hold......I am now 2100 miles away from that bad marriage & working on getting the divorce finalized.

[HonestlyLying]

You make a lot of sense but I don't control my emotions especially when my brain and body are starved.

Add depression and you get a death wish.

[eskielover]

I had that death wish.....& I had tried other suicide attempts.....then when anorexia hit me as the prozac that I was taking for the depression caused me to have no appetite & no desire to eat & I realized that anorexia would have less stigma & wouldn't be considered as suicide for my daughter.....my anorexia had more of a death wish than anything else the first time......& I really didn't care much the second time after going through a trauma that triggered it 9 years later........I had no idea at that time (probably not thinking clearly but then none of my pdoc nor T saw it either)...but being trapped in a bad marriage was really what caused me to have that death wish but the passive way through anorexia felt the best thing for my daughter to deal with as anorexia is not directly tied to what is considered an active suicide attempt.

I am thankful that I no longer feel that way....& my relationship with God has definitely changed over the years since I left my bad marriage so I'm glad that I wasn't successful in any of the attempts I made (think God had a lot to do with that).....but I still struggle with stress causing me to have problems eating & then I start loosing weight & it's like I can't stop when it gets started & I have to seriously focus on eating then but living alone, I can't afford to loose so much weight that I can't take care of myself & my dogs.....so that's what keeps me trying to stay as healthy as I possibly can & keep my weight at a safe level.

For the first week at the treatment center I was put in, they had me on 24/7 someone in my room because I had no desire to live & I had already had many suicide attempts & they I must had said something about not caring or wanting to live so they were determined not to allow it to happen there at the ED treatment center & they had no idea what I might have tried.

I am so thankful to be free from those feelings & free from the bad marriage.....but it doesn't cure the issues at times with eating.

[HonestlyLying]

eskielover- you sound very similar to myself. The trauma that triggered my self-loathing is still dominating my subconscious thoughts. I too see ana as a means of suicide only less obvious to some. But many that have had or still have anorexia know that their true goal is death. I know that's my goal. But it is probably one of the most hideous ways to commit suicide.

We lose the ability to reason and simply follow this disease into the grave like obedient puppies.

Surviving on popcorn and Coke Zero gets old really fast. Then surviving on Coke Zero alone while purging it is beyond insane.

Lauren

[eskielover]

I'm thankful that I am past the death wish now.....I didn't understand at the time that it was because of my bad marriage....everyone was sure that it was because I lost my computer engineering career in aerospace when it died in California in the mid 1990's....it started the anxiety....but being at home & having to deal with my H & not having a place to escape from him was when the depression hit....which turned into the suicide attempts & then the anorexia started with the prozac was the perfect solution so as NOT to hurt my daughter with the knowledge that her mom ended her life with suicide......

But having left my H......I have a wonderful life now even though it is alone......& I am learning how to be a normal person & communicate with others like a normal person.....(after growing up with dysfunctional parents & a dysfunctional H)....I thought I was the insane one....but I'm learning that I'm NOT....& I'm OK & even though stress hits me....I really do love my life now.....there are things I would change...but it's really wonderful compared to where I came from....& I eat to stay functional & there are a few foods that I enjoy the flavor of.....but I really don't like cooking so I do struggle with eating. I never thought that leaving my H would make such a difference in my life....but I am thankful that it did. There are times I enjoy eating with friends & stuff.....but I never have been able to eat much all my life......on going struggle with that.

I am sure that most of the time treatment for ED's doesn't work because they don't get to the root of the problem.....WHY the desire for suicide?......Why the need for control?.....I know at the treatment center I went to, it was nothing but body image issues they tried to tell us we had.....& I kept telling them they were full of crap....but they think they understand ED's & nothing else can be the cause.....& even when my pdoc & medical MD tried to get me to go to a treatment center...I called many & asked them it they would treat the trauma that caused the anorexia & they stated that all they deal with is body image issues......How JUST PLAIN STUPID!!!!....yes there are some that is true for...but not others & to try to lump everyone into the same mold really pissed me off....& it still does.....but I'm thankful that so far I haven't been haunted by it since I left my marriage 7 years ago.....but with all the dental work I'm having done next year......I know that there is going to be an issue with it that's going to trigger the anorexia.....I just have to be aware & fight it.