On this path again

Struggling so very much right now. Every meal is a struggle. Brain is devising ways to get out of the meals I've already committed to with others. I don't want to eat. I want to be numb and lose the weight already. I feel like people don't listen when I use my actual voice... so this body thing is becoming my voice again. People stop and listen when I look unwell. Nobody seems to hear me when I'm at a healthy weight. I've been asking for help for a month now and... the people who are in my "team" don't seem to be getting it.

So here I am, skipping meals and checking the calories on cough syrup (nasty cold this week). I hate this place. It's dull and boring. But it's also a lot safer than slipping further into my past. Depression triggered this relapse. And a good helping of PTSD triggers that have sent me spiraling into past memories, unwanted flashbacks, and nightmares. I'm trying to get support on both of those conditions as that's the only real way I'll be able to get consistent nutrition again.

I wish they didn't take ED-NOS out of the stupid DSM. It's very difficult for me to stay in the place of "yes, I have an eating disorder" when I don't fit the diagnostic criteria for any of them. So at least while I've got some rational thought, I wanted to state out loud that I'm struggling. And I don't really know how to stop. The things that worked before aren't working, and I have less people around me than ever before.

I'm sorry. What does your doctor say about your situation?

It is frustrating that it's impossible to get help until one is almost at the point of dying.....my MD would only treat me medically when I was at the point where I needed to be hospitalized (kept checking my weight when I was going back for care after I had a horrible asthma attack from a forest fire smoke & had been in the hospital that summer for that). But neither my pdoc not my MD really listened to what it was that I was telling them about the trauma that I went through when my mom was dying of cancer that fall.....maybe because they knew I had been treated for anorexia before....but I realize now that none of us knew WHY that happened either. AFter I finally got out of the medical hospital (In & out for 2 months) it was impossible to get any help. MD had done the IV nutrition through the central line.....pdoc wanted me to find a treatment center....but treatment centers that I talked to only dealt with body image issues, not the helping me deal with the trauma I had gone through & I knew that was the cause of the anorexia in a serious way that time......so I got absolutely NO HELP & no one wanted to listen.....I remember being so angry & so frustrated I honestly only wanted to curl up & die. If it hadn't been for my new foal that my mare had the September before....I'm sure that's what I would have done......I had no one left alive to really care about or be cared about by.......interesting realization....no wonder it wasn't a big deal to me to just take my inheritance & move 2100 miles away to get out of the bad marriage & get away from the place with all the PTSD triggers leaving that life behind.....it really helped & living alone has really kept me keeping myself more healthy than I had been for almost 20 years.

I have a psychologist now who is willing to discuss the anorexia issues but also keeps it in DBT terms of what skills I need to focus on to keep myself from falling into that trap again.......the real test is still coming up....having all my teeth removed & getting 2 implants & dentures...long process & long time without being able to eat normal food & after the ED treatment center......Ensure isn't an option...just makes me sick.....but I finally have a psychologist who listens to me....& also provides wonderful input....where previous T's listened but didn't hear & never provided any input......even when I was below a safe weight while trying to recover....it was impossible both times to find any really good help anywhere....I definitely understand what you are saying.

@ Traveling lady - I don't really have a doctor right. Just got a referral tonight for a psychiatrist that understands EDs and the rest of my stuff. Hopefully she's taking new patients. My really awesome PCP retired... have been adrift medically since then.

@eskielover - Thanks for sharing a piece of your story with me and for understanding. It helps to know I'm not alone - though I hate that you've had such a go of things. Eeek, sounds intense with the oral surgery bit. I live in fear of anything like that. I too struggle with liquid food (Boost was the choice where I went to tx) because of what it meant for me once.


Well... I was a bit more blunt with my therapist today and told her that I need someone to set limits for me, because I'm losing control over this thing and I have no intention of stopping. I told her about the dark places my mind goes and how the ED feels like survival at this point. We looked up psychiatrists that take my insurance and she vetted the list for a few that she would actually support me going to who understand ED and trauma and the rest of my issues. We also talked about seeking more support... though I refuse to entertain that idea at this point in time, but willing to set some limits. If things don't get better by X, then Y needs to happen. Let's call it a Relapse Intervention plan. Maybe if she really listens... if I can find a doctor to help me get out of this nasty depressive place... then maybe it can all stop before the treatment spiral begins?

I don't for one minute believe I'm to the point of needing IOP or any other level of care. I also know my insurance sucks and SHOULD I get to a point of needing true help, I have to prove that I wasn't able to do it at lower levels of care (don't you hate that clause in coverage? I mean really, how do perfectionists work with a fail-first plan????).

My mind goes in circles. The recovery-oriented part knows that this is in order. It's time to start talking about it. The ED part says oh-hell-no and embraces denial. It's just not that bad yet. It won't get there. And if it does, let me get truly small enough first? Please? F'in head. I hate this disease. But the idea of eating a real meal right now makes me queasy. Which probably means I'm closer to needing more support than I think.

So... today has been a struggle and I needed to say that somewhere. I think I eat just fine and I'm around 60-75% of what I'm supposed to eat. Then I have days where I don't want to eat at all. This is mental torture. I'm trying to show that I can turn this thing around so I don't wind up in IOP somewhere. Thing is, I'm not so sure I can.

I know that my therapist and nutritionist were talking today and that has me a little freaked out too. I understand more than most why professionals need to collaborate. It is unsettling when I don't know exactly which way that conversation will go. Can you say control issues?

I need to find the ability to fight back and just eat the damn food already. It has way too much control over me right now.

I, too, am struggling. Know that I understand.

You have hit the nail on the head! I feel exactly the same way and it is so frustrating

It's kind of a strange control because personally, I am the one that is using it as a control when everything else in my life seems so out of control, it's the only thing that I can have control over.....so does it really have the control or are we using it TO control.....or is it some of both????

For me, when the weight loss starts, watching the weight go down is sort of addicting in itself....so I can see where it does have some level of control over me....but I also want to keep it going at times because like I said....when I feel so out of control with my world I need something.....so for me....both are issues that I have to deal with.

Thank you to the three of you. Today... also a struggle. I had a small lunch but felt so physically bloated and full from eating it. I had 3 meals today... real meals... and it just feels so hopeless. My brain screams at me for eating way too much, and objectively, I'm barely getting close to what i'm supposed to eat.

It's hard to hold that concept in my mind. I'm supposed to eat X amount of food each day. But so many days I eat much less. My body keeps working, brain keeps functioning, etc. So I start to believe I really only need to eat Y a day and that the rest is ********. But then that shifts on me and now Y is Z until the answer is very little food at all.

My work environment has turned toxic. I do not like being there. This is absolutely impacting my food. I'm so full on emotion that there's little room for nutrition. I'm also losing any desire to fight back on it. Trying to apply to new jobs and look up new options each day so I have a way out OTHER than total relapse. It's frustrating. I hate feeling powerless. I'd much rather embrace the eating disorder and take control. It's only annoying when I am trying to eat and the ED gets in the way. If I would just give up and let it run the show...

... those thoughts aren't helpful. I'm off to bed. So ends another incredibly long day.