[cosmicrexia]

I just don't know what i'm feeling anymore. Yesterday i was fine, today i'm not. I don't think this has much to do with my anorexia but i thought about posting it here because i'm officially diagnosed just with it, though i think i may have other problems. I feel like i don't want to get to 2015. I feel like i should stop eating as a way of slowly kill myself, and i have very little will to push through my desires. I don't know, it happens to me all the time, i'm okay for a week or so and then 4-5 days of not wanting to get out of bed, not showering (gross), not eating or eating too much, sometimes i even break my drawings, or delete my writing pieces, i forget to journal, and i don't want to talk to people. Now i'm on the verge of one of those days, i don't know what to do to prevent it. I feel so lonely, it's ridiculous, i'm not alone! I'm going to a party tonight, but i feel so different from them, i don't know what's going on anymore. When this started happening it was about 15 days normal and then 2 days of this feelings. Don't get me wrong, when those "bad days" end i'm not suddenly normal again, i usually feel so numb, i take a very long shower, eat something and do whatever while feeling empty, even when someone hugs me. I don't want a 2015 like that. What should i do? Should i tell to my psychiatrist?

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[sideblinded]

(((cosmicrexia)))

Thanks for being so candid. I don't think your post is negative. It is just honest and it is the way you feel and deal with difficult times in your life. It sounds like you struggle with motivation and I was wondering if depression is part of this. I would definitely talk to your psychiatrist and tell him or her what you are feeling when you want to stop eating. I would call them as soon as possible as thoughts of wanting to end your life is rather extreme. You do sound very aware of your problems and that is a great thing. I hope that 2015 is better to you. Please keep seeking help as there is always hope. Sometimes we just can't see it. Blessings!

[cosmicrexia]

Originally Posted by sideblinded

(((cosmicrexia)))

Thanks for being so candid. I don't think your post is negative. It is just honest and it is the way you feel and deal with difficult times in your life. It sounds like you struggle with motivation and I was wondering if depression is part of this. I would definitely talk to your psychiatrist and tell him or her what you are feeling when you want to stop eating. I would call them as soon as possible as thoughts of wanting to end your life is rather extreme. You do sound very aware of your problems and that is a great thing. I hope that 2015 is better to you. Please keep seeking help as there is always hope. Sometimes we just can't see it. Blessings!

Thank you so much for that. It means a lot. Sadly, i can't speak to my psychiatrist until February. About depression, i know i fit the criteria, but i've only talked about my eating with her. Perks of the public health system, she's too busy. I put the trigger warning because i didn't want anyone feeling bad for this. I'm not able to stop eating, as i'm being watched 24/7, but i'm still afraid of doing some stupid ****, even suicidal thoughts are involved now that i just finished my new year's eve dinner (happy new year though ) But i guess i'll tell someone if i'm on the verge of an attempt, i hope someone cares. Thank you so much, seriousely. I wish you a great 2015.

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[eskielover]

cosmicrexia
This sounds exactly like my first time with anorexia......had always had a tendency toward wanting to not weigh much.....but it wasn't until the depression hit that the anorexia really hit & after the Prozac started my weight loss in the first place.......I got so low that I was almost successful with the not wanting to live suicide issues that I had anyway.....it was actually the way I thought I could actually succeed without having it hurt my family as much as any of the other ways I had tried......warped thinking big time.....looking back at it....but at the time....it seemed all perfectly logical.

I do know that things get better....but it doesn't happen over night. I even had a second time with the major anorexia weight loss & over 13 years later before I was finally able to leave the situation that was pushing me in that direction so strongly.

But life now is wonderful.....maybe I needed to see how bad it could be to appreciate how good it really is.....there are things that could be better (always is)....but in the overall way of my life.....I absolutely love it & the wonderful people who are now in my life (I moved 2100 miles away when I left my H & all my family had died except for our daughter who didn't live there any longer either).

Sometimes it does take major changes to get rid of the old things that are bothering us especially when it's a situation.....but no we can't run & hide from what is inside....but sometimes leaving can open up who we really are & have been hiding inside & that's what has happened with me.

Still struggle regarding eating but living alone, I owe it to myself to stay as healthy as possible & not pass out because I don't eat.....& I owe it to my dogs who are my babies also.

[cosmicrexia]

Originally Posted by eskielover

cosmicrexia
This sounds exactly like my first time with anorexia......had always had a tendency toward wanting to not weigh much.....but it wasn't until the depression hit that the anorexia really hit & after the Prozac started my weight loss in the first place.......I got so low that I was almost successful with the not wanting to live suicide issues that I had anyway.....it was actually the way I thought I could actually succeed without having it hurt my family as much as any of the other ways I had tried......warped thinking big time.....looking back at it....but at the time....it seemed all perfectly logical.

I do know that things get better....but it doesn't happen over night. I even had a second time with the major anorexia weight loss & over 13 years later before I was finally able to leave the situation that was pushing me in that direction so strongly.

But life now is wonderful.....maybe I needed to see how bad it could be to appreciate how good it really is.....there are things that could be better (always is)....but in the overall way of my life.....I absolutely love it & the wonderful people who are now in my life (I moved 2100 miles away when I left my H & all my family had died except for our daughter who didn't live there any longer either).

Sometimes it does take major changes to get rid of the old things that are bothering us especially when it's a situation.....but no we can't run & hide from what is inside....but sometimes leaving can open up who we really are & have been hiding inside & that's what has happened with me.

Still struggle regarding eating but living alone, I owe it to myself to stay as healthy as possible & not pass out because I don't eat.....& I owe it to my dogs who are my babies also.

Thank you SO much for this, really. Now i can see that there is hope, even though i don't think there is any for me, but for someone there was, and maybe that's enough. It's beautiful how you went through all the dark places and now you're still fighting. I wish i were that strong. I still don't know if i want to fight hard or i just don't mind wasting my time because it's worthless. But if i do fight, i swear i will recover, but if i decide i'm "not ready", whatever excuses there are for me, then i don't. Now i'm just asking myself why do i write here anyway, or why do i talk to people or why do i eat, and it just doesn't make any sense. I don't want to kill myself in a way that my parents will find out from one night to the next, and ask themselves "why did it happen? Was it out fault?" even though i'm of the opinion that not even my parents would care big time, eventually they'd find it relieving. (Maybe i'm just a **** daughter) I wish i could just deal with the things that brought me here, but i just don't know, and i don't seem to be able to tell that to my psychiatrist, i lie to her all the time and i can't help it. She doesn't even know that i used to self-harm or that i have suicidal thoughts, she doesn't even know about the days that i waste thinking and drowning into nothingness. I'm just ****.
Do you think there is any motivation or hope if i'm this ****** person?

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[eskielover]

There IS ALWAYS HOPE!!!!.....but there are things from our past that drive us to this situation in the first place. I didn't even realize until this year (I am 61 years old) just how totally dysfunctional my own parents were & how that effected my choice (or lack of wisely choosing what I knew wasn't what I wanted) in getting married to a H who ended up totally dysfunctional. Until just a few months ago, I was trying to figure out what the problem was that caused the marriage to fail & in looking at the details, I realized that he is dealing with Asperger's (ASD) & that started making complete sense out of the things that were making me so totally angry to the point I was seeing red. In a relationship like I had, it would driven anyone to either overeating or anorexia (or bulimia or self-harm).....it drove me to depression & suicide attempts & the anorexia came into being because it was the way my own body reacts to stress & I wanted to just disappear.

There are always serious issues underlying ED's!!!!!.....& it's those issues that have to be processed with the help of a good psychologist (T). Many people who deal with ED's have been sexually abused as children or have been raped, some who haven't been raped but still end up pregnant & go through having an abortion find that the stress of that will drive them into an ED. I never had anything horrible like that happen, but loosing my career as an engineer that I had focused my school & life on because it proved that I had succeeded in being nothing like my parents.....was part of the trigger....then not being able to work (I had a complete breakdown & then an really bad earthquake hit the area I was living in So Calif January 1994).....I felt trapped in the house & the marriage that I had been hating since I had gotten married back in 1975. I didn't realize that I was using getting my degree & my career to hide away from my bad marriage & a H who was incapable of having any emotional connection or any logical reasonable conversation & all I would do was fight with him because he pushed every button that had already been placed there by my dysfunctional parents.

Until my mom died & I sold her house & was able to leave my bad marriage I didn't really know what was going on until after I left & was finally able to distance myself from what I had been right in the middle of & not able to even see what was going on. All I could do was fight & yell by the time I left & I had become this totally HORRIBLE person. Until I got out of the situation I was in.....there was NO WAY of making the changes that I needed to make me better & I honestly thought that's what I had become.....until after I left & started seeing glimpses of a totally REAL ME, a new me that I hadn't known ever before in my life but I got my values back that I had before I was married (financial issues). Realized that I didn't have to fight constantly to get the things that I needed in life or fight against someone to get what I knew was needed.

Not knowing just how dysfunctional my parents really were, I thought I was a crappy daughter also because I was always fighting against them & their thinking......now I understand why & I had good reason to react the way I did as any non-dysfunctional person would have reacted to them in a similar way that I did.

Your whole issues could have been something that happened in your past that you need to process before it becomes even more difficult the older you get......or it could be the situation that you are living in.....there has to be something behind your needing to self-harm & let the pain from that take away another pain that you are feeling inside & suicidal thoughts.

You are young & have a lot of good life years to live in a rewarding life. It's important to take the time with your psychiatrist & get them to get you in with a good psychologist who can truly help you work through the things that you are hiding under the feelings you are seeing. It was amazing to me a few years ago when I finally was able to write down all the emotions I was feeling & WHY I was feeling them.....it opened a huge door to my inside thoughts & helped me understand myself better & helped me be more open in therapy so that I could process the things that were eating away at me from the inside.

Remember there is always hope.....& working with a good T can really help you define the things that happened to make you feel & react the way you do today.

[cosmicrexia]

Originally Posted by eskielover

There IS ALWAYS HOPE!!!!.....but there are things from our past that drive us to this situation in the first place. I didn't even realize until this year (I am 61 years old) just how totally dysfunctional my own parents were & how that effected my choice (or lack of wisely choosing what I knew wasn't what I wanted) in getting married to a H who ended up totally dysfunctional. Until just a few months ago, I was trying to figure out what the problem was that caused the marriage to fail & in looking at the details, I realized that he is dealing with Asperger's (ASD) & that started making complete sense out of the things that were making me so totally angry to the point I was seeing red. In a relationship like I had, it would driven anyone to either overeating or anorexia (or bulimia or self-harm).....it drove me to depression & suicide attempts & the anorexia came into being because it was the way my own body reacts to stress & I wanted to just disappear.

There are always serious issues underlying ED's!!!!!.....& it's those issues that have to be processed with the help of a good psychologist (T). Many people who deal with ED's have been sexually abused as children or have been raped, some who haven't been raped but still end up pregnant & go through having an abortion find that the stress of that will drive them into an ED. I never had anything horrible like that happen, but loosing my career as an engineer that I had focused my school & life on because it proved that I had succeeded in being nothing like my parents.....was part of the trigger....then not being able to work (I had a complete breakdown & then an really bad earthquake hit the area I was living in So Calif January 1994).....I felt trapped in the house & the marriage that I had been hating since I had gotten married back in 1975. I didn't realize that I was using getting my degree & my career to hide away from my bad marriage & a H who was incapable of having any emotional connection or any logical reasonable conversation & all I would do was fight with him because he pushed every button that had already been placed there by my dysfunctional parents.

Until my mom died & I sold her house & was able to leave my bad marriage I didn't really know what was going on until after I left & was finally able to distance myself from what I had been right in the middle of & not able to even see what was going on. All I could do was fight & yell by the time I left & I had become this totally HORRIBLE person. Until I got out of the situation I was in.....there was NO WAY of making the changes that I needed to make me better & I honestly thought that's what I had become.....until after I left & started seeing glimpses of a totally REAL ME, a new me that I hadn't known ever before in my life but I got my values back that I had before I was married (financial issues). Realized that I didn't have to fight constantly to get the things that I needed in life or fight against someone to get what I knew was needed.

Not knowing just how dysfunctional my parents really were, I thought I was a crappy daughter also because I was always fighting against them & their thinking......now I understand why & I had good reason to react the way I did as any non-dysfunctional person would have reacted to them in a similar way that I did.

Your whole issues could have been something that happened in your past that you need to process before it becomes even more difficult the older you get......or it could be the situation that you are living in.....there has to be something behind your needing to self-harm & let the pain from that take away another pain that you are feeling inside & suicidal thoughts.

You are young & have a lot of good life years to live in a rewarding life. It's important to take the time with your psychiatrist & get them to get you in with a good psychologist who can truly help you work through the things that you are hiding under the feelings you are seeing. It was amazing to me a few years ago when I finally was able to write down all the emotions I was feeling & WHY I was feeling them.....it opened a huge door to my inside thoughts & helped me understand myself better & helped me be more open in therapy so that I could process the things that were eating away at me from the inside.

Remember there is always hope.....& working with a good T can really help you define the things that happened to make you feel & react the way you do today.

Thank you again, i think i'd better try my best before giving up, and i guess the first step is telling the truth to my psychiatrist. I can't go see another person apart from her, because i go to the public health system here in Spain, i'm referred to her and she doesn't have much time, she has LOTS of patients. In my district, there are only 3 psychiatrists for all children-adolescent patients, and it sucks. I talked to another patient the last time i was there, also suffering from anorexia and 17 years old, and she told me that if you're not dying, like at a bmi of 11, they don't give you proper help, just medication at the most, and they send you home. There's too much people suffering more than i do, and it makes me feel so guilty, but at the same time i think if i had therapy even every 15 days, i'd progress much more, but she doesn't have time, and my next session will be on February. I know that things happened in the past and they made me develop an ED, but also the general situation right now it's not good, nobody cares, because now i look healthy to everybody's eyes, and when i say i'm not feeling good they just think that it's nothing, because i'm healthy. It hurts, because my bmi it's not even 17, and my psychiatrist said that maybe they all got too used to the idea of me being a skeleton, but i don't know anymore. They can talk to each other if they have problems (my friends), but i can't, as they think that i've got my psychiatrist for that purpose, and they don't tell me anything about them because one day i told them that i didn't want to hear about their problems, they were so empty. They shut up, didn't even want to hear why did i say that, it doesn't matter, i do not matter, it's okay. Even my boyfriend doesn't understand that if i tell him that months ago not even 32 sizes fit me (the smallest in most clothing stores) but now they do, and my boobs were EVEN smaller, i don't want him to smile and high-five me. I can't see where's hope for me, but if i'm still alive there must be some. Thanks for reading my comments and thanks for your understanding and kindness.

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[Buttercup40]

I know exactly what you mean, the way you describe how you feel for several days at a time. Are you being treated for Depression? I've found that my anorexia is very controlling and this affects my mood.
Speak to your psychiatrist and only reveal what you feel comfortable with. I was seeing a psychologist but, I found her very sarcastic and cold.
I'm hoping 2015 is a better year for you!

[cosmicrexia]

Originally Posted by Buttercup40

I know exactly what you mean, the way you describe how you feel for several days at a time. Are you being treated for Depression? I've found that my anorexia is very controlling and this affects my mood.
Speak to your psychiatrist and only reveal what you feel comfortable with. I was seeing a psychologist but, I found her very sarcastic and cold.
I'm hoping 2015 is a better year for you!

I'm being treated just for Anorexia, but my psychiatrist told me in our last session to write down how i feel every day, so i guess she's starting to focus more on the feelings, now that my weight is more stable. I guess we have a very intense session ahead in February I hope 2015 is a great year for you. By the way, are you seeing a therapist or something now? I've been told every person with an ED has mood disorders as well, so both must be treated. Anorexia is such a *****, i hope you get the help that you need.

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